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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

wildcat - you understand yourself so much better than i understand myself, that's for sure. love "So life will get in the way and push a mood just a bit further in the direction it was going". i think i know what you mean, when you reach that point, even when all is good, i can feel the explosion building - just too much, too much stimuli, too much responsibility, too much whatever and tilt

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

I was contemplating the chicken and egg question because of the nature of bipolar disorder. One part of it is stress and lifestyle related. So life will get in the way and push a mood just a bit further in the direction it was going... One part is that nasty miswiring. So If a mood shifts it is not always because life gets in the way! sometimes it is the chemicals are are unbalanced and the cells in the brain do not get the messages ... Hey its a nice day! YO you did some really nice work. STOP i are stuffed and about to explode. And even is life is okay the feelings do not follow.

And in the Myth and Fact ... Depression follows the same pattern.

Where as The borderline personality disorder is a lot more situation driven ... and there is a different relationship dynamic. Okay, according to what I read I should be at the point of outgrowing it now... anyways!!! But I have stable friendships and marriage. I have stayed in all employments till the contracts expired or that one place closed 11 years ago... I finished my BA. And I do not give people the all good - all evil lables. I know about how certain personalities mix better than others and appreciate when mine is acceptable to another.

As a child (6 to 10) i did not have the vocabulary to express the pain I felt inside so I did hurt myself ... hoping someone would see and question. Hoping to learn I guess. Hoping to get what was inside out! Also as a punishment for being so stupid!!! I knew better that to be seen by Father. When I was seen, it was enough to provoke a mood and "play with his nerves". When I was seen my Mother's boyfriend it was enough to remind him of some slight and set off the "crusing for a brusing". Then as a teen that was gone. I was better able to defend myself against the physical, not the verbal. But as any teen will tell you acne is a scourge ... so I would remove the pimples, blackheads and all. And my father's "jokes" olny made sure I left a scar and no other sign of evil.

-so self mutilation? I would not say that. Only bad habit.

And you know the borderline PD and the Bipo are so similar is many symptomes... that I think I really should take the psychologist's word for now.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Thanks for sharing wildcat and giving me something to think about. I have nothing to add but thanks.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us wildcat.

Members, what do you think? How do your experiences shape who you are, and how do you shape your experiences?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Wow, wildcat, you pose many great questions. I have noticed that there are many kinds of pain. I too wonder why if life is so good, why I am still depressed and sometimes manage to get through the day feeling okay and others are horrid. I feel depressed all the time, so I don't have the mood swings you refer to, but I have my bad depressed days and my "good" depressed days and none of those are too good. I am grateful for those though. I also know I have many tools as resources and can make my day worse with those negative thoughts or make it better. Sometimes I just don't have the strength to fight those negative thoughts or work to make it better, not cry, not sleep all day, etc. and that makes me angry but only at me. I try to find things to be grateful for (and there are many in my life) still I seem to focus on the negative - even with a daily list- what's up with that.

I don't think there is an explanation or a justification - meaning I don't think you fit the situation to the mood. And sometimes the mood doesn't fit the situation! It seems so complicated, yet it is so simple - a way to get better at my finger tips (literally) as well as with the meds, therapy and work (another form of therapy for me).

I am glad that you are enjoying the day, relaxing, taking it easy and not consumed by the other things in life and btw when you remember why the red leaves fall first - I'd be curious to know the answer! Our leaves are just now turning and haven't started to fall. I will watch them - the simple pleasures in life! Did you, as a child, bunch up the leaves and /or rake them up and then run and jump and cover yourself in them. It was such fun for me!

Thanks for stimulating my mind with such interesting questions and thoughts!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

hi wildcat - you are in a contemplative mood today! pain is the great equalizer, isn't it? ideally, it is to warn of danger, right? i'm still gonna go with my "life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy to those who feel". i remember you mentioning that your doctor thought it might be borderline pd - have you looked into that? abusive backgrounds -which you had and didn't deserve. what's up with hubby - i thought you were close. sorry to hear he's everywhere but near you. finding out what's up doesn't have to be "going negative" - it's finding out what's up! i miss the changing of the seasons - live in florida. reds fall off 1st because they are the most complete in the cycle. green yellow orange red. you know you really don't have to explain or justify anything. you feel the way you do and it's valid. here's to the nice moments

hang in there......

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Have you guys noticed that there are all kinds of pain?

We all have some we can endure and others we cannot.... A skinned knee, A bump on the head. We rub the painful area and it goes away. No endurance is necessary. A sprained ankle, A broken arm. There some endurance is built up and some medical help is necessary. A lot of Healing is necessary and we the body its time. ( I broke my ankle Feb 07 and spent 12 weeks with my foot in the air and my thumb on the remote.) Then there are those who live with physical pain daily, like those with arthris and back muscule and spine problems...

And I can not endure a few muscle spasms these days

what a whoose.

THere are those that have a world of emotional pain. Problems with their close relationships. Problems with children. Illnesses that menace their loved ones. THere are those whose very lives are in peril.

And here I am miserable. Why? I have the tools to manage my stress. I have a comfortable life and the means to make lifestyle changes. Today, I feel good. I am in a good amount of physical pain and I do want to escape a bit but I do not Feel bad. I do not need to cry ! I could go negative and wonder why chouette insists on doing everything but be with me. I could feel bad that I am not helping him enough and he does not want to have fun with me!! (no Couples quality time). I could escape by running off and doing overtime at work. I could go load another c-card.

Instead I am waiting for the Tylenol to work with you. I am listening to the Canadian Top 30 on The Mix. And I am watch inthe last yellow leaves fall trying to remember why it is that the reds fall first ... and do we have enough leaves to cover the bulbs for the winter ???

Is that part of me? is that what it means to be bipolar? Will I have more of these nice moments? So if it is then ... when i crash I fit the situation into my mood ... as an explanation? or justification?

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