I found over the years, I got very good at avoidance. My biggest fear is be abandoned, ie., getting sick and leaving my family or someone close leaving me. I had 3 very important people in my life leave me, they died, when I was young. This all happened in a matter of one month and right at Christmas time. It was horrible. So now, when I met my husband, things were great, but too good, I got panicky. When I had my kids, the same thing happened. Anything too good, or good feelings lasting too long, I start up, thinking I don't deserve this.
I know where this is coming from, and I'm trying to cope, I understand logically, but I have to deal with it emotionally and that is coming along.
I would avoid close friendships, I would avoid any confrontation that I had with someone because then I would be left alone if I dealt with it. That person wouldn't like me and I would be alone again. I know this doesn't make sense, I see it now and I'm working on it.
It's funny when you write things out and then you look at it and read it over, it's like, what the heck am I thinking...but to you, this is real. Atleast, this is to me.
