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Hi - I'm new to the group, but not new to depression.


16 years ago 0 1890 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Suzy You're right. We need a signal. I spoke to her about it but she is still at the stage in the marriage where she imagines that any reaction like that from me is evidence that I'm 'falling out of love' with her. I have explained and explained that I live on tenterhooks most of the time even tho' I appear to be calm. She'll get it in the end. I can't remember where I saw the Will Robinson quote - Philip K. Dick or Pat Cadigan?? I've been trying to deal with reading history exclusively and I'm duty bound to swallow all I can about the Holocaust which doesn't leave me much time for lighter stuff. I know that's crazy given my propensity to MDD but I don't want to wimp-out of the dreadful stuff just because it's grim-making. I love History and the whole Genocide thing makes me believe that truth is so much stranger than the fiction I studied for decades. I think that you really DO have a facility with communication and that your public speaking thing should turn into a hobby/career talking about MDII and Depression and the coping mechanisms people need. As a breed we depressives need that kind of accessible coaching, support and CBT and it should come from a depressive. If I wasn't depressed at the time I, for one, would go out to hear an articulate depressive talk about the paths and journeys through a lifetime of depression. I'm going to miss the turkey and bread sauce next week. I hope the jury duty works for you. Patrick
16 years ago 0 29 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Patrick. That is a tough situation to be in. My husband echos my depression. When I get depressed, he does. He compares his to mine, but I really don't think it's the same. He feels blue. I feel hopeless. A crying puddle on the ketchen floor. When I start to perk up, so does he. So that makes me responsible for not only my own mental heath, but his. (I know, not really. But he isn't an emotionally strong person and events in his life have left him without a lot of self confidence. Me too, for that matter, but I think I have more than he does. I digress.) You two need to come up with a non-antangonistic signal to identify "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger" - do you know the reference? If you're a science fiction geek like me you will. But something that doesn't offend, but lets the other one know that there are dangerous waters ahead and to tread carefully. A key word. A colour of clothing. Something so that neither of you get the full brunt of the other's depression vents. I'm happy to say that today was also a good day. The rest of this week I am on a course on making effective presentations. Many people have asked me why on earth I am taking this - unlike most people speaking in public is not especially frightening to me, I tend to do it quite well. But it's one of these things I have to do to meet work expectations. Next week is Thanksgiving, and our provincial election, and the following week I am on jury duty. So I really hope that this balance of meds holds me for a while. I'd be interested in knowing the generic name for that drug, to do some research on it. I can probably dig it up on the net but if its easy for you to find, I'd appreciate it. Gotta hit the sack. Early day tomorrow. Take care, Suzy
16 years ago 0 1890 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hey Suzy, Here's the real dope; the woman I'm married to and who I love so much is also MDD and is on something called Cilift (some South African SSRI, I don't know the generic name for it) and it works about just as well as my Prozac does. While we're just living from day to day dealing with all the usual vagaries of Life we can come across each other and not really be sensitive to the other's mood. It's like that cat you see who is stalking nothing at all but is very concentrated in his movements and is locked into his own stalking problem: then you reach down unconsciously to give him a stroke and he jumps four feet straight up into the air and he lands and looks at you with dilated pupils as much as to say "I'll kill you the next time you do that!" Well, either of us can happen upon the other in the kitchen or bathroom and reach out to just touch and send the other crashing into the wall with fright. Are we living on eggshells or what??!! I mean I can look as relaxed as a three-toed sloth but, when startled, I can resemble an out of shape Bruce Lee... Is there a startle-pill? Damn!! Glad you were having an up day yesterday - did it roll into the same today?? Patrick
16 years ago 0 29 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thanks Patrick. I'm better today. I've tried upping my morning Wellbutrin by 50 mg every other day. So now a total of 350 - 400 mg on any given day. Other drugs too but I'm not changing those at the moment. Hopefully that will help for a while. My Dr says that fall is a bad time for bipolar people, so maybe that is a factor. I know what you mean about telling people, confiding in people. It's like we lead two lives. One we can share, the one without the depression battle; one we have to keep mostly to ourselves because the rest of the world just doesn't want to know. I'm sure that duality doesn't help us. I saw in another post of yours that you used to live in Canada, and you spent some time in an inpatient facility here. It's good to know that it worked for you. Despite cutbacks I still think our health system is darn good all in all. I also read that things are looking pretty good for you right now. That is so great. Having the support of someone you love makes everything seem possible. Suzy
16 years ago 0 1890 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Suzy, Sorry that this last week has been a bummer for you. Please don't think that what you write here is 'whining' - I find all that you say useful and true. This is how depression works, eh? We always feel that we have to apologise for saying how we feel because we've said it before time and time again and we've seen how the world reacts to that. I remember the first time I was hurt and insulted about my depression. I don't think I was aware that I was MDD at the time - I was in my twenties - I was talking to a 'best friend' and relating a series of missteps, misnomers, misunderstandings and lost love and the whole damn thing and I went on at great length as I thought was okay to do with a 'best friend'. Well, after a long while as I was trying to verbally unscramble my messed up mindset the friend finally throws his arms up and tells me that "I've no right to "dump" my garbage on him like that!" The message was clear. My problems were just 'garbage' to him - I was supposed to keep all that 'crap' to myself and not air it like I was doing. It took me years to pick the right venues to speak about my anxieties and fears. It took me years to sort out what kind of people could listen to a friend's woes without becoming irritated and bored and impatient. This website is for depressives and there are no holds barred in what I can say and you have my guarantee that I don't read what you write (or the other members) with even an iota of jaundice. It's great to read your responses to the members here. Patrick
16 years ago 0 29 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I vaguely remember seeing "Mr Jones", but that was before I became ill, or at least recognized it. I haven't seen it since to draw similarities. Based on what you said, probably a good thing! I have done the rapid speech thing, and thinking I was ever so clever when I was manic. I couldn't understand why people were looking at me as though I had cabbages growing out of my ears. The next day I was so embarrassed. (Unfortunately my manic highs don't last long. My hypo-mania lasts longer, but never long enough.) Now I am so very aware of any behaviour of mine that might be construed as inappropriate that I think I put my own cap on, I retreat whenever I feel mania coming on for fear of that "cabbage" look, and the potential repercussions. My closest friend says that I rarely have any fun anymore, and he's right. I don't let myself for fear that I might "fly". I miss flying. Re handling it at work: I have taken 2 people into my confidence about my condition. They see me frequently as part of the job, and they are both well able to identify manic behaviour and tell me that I may be out of control, or heading that way. When that happens, if I can't bring it down myself, I go home. I am lucky enough to be in a position where I can do that. I'm having a bad time now. Was sliding down all week, then bounced up Saturday morning to just a normal person functional level. Now down again. Functioning one day a week is just not enough. And right now, I don't know what to do to help myself. I have never been hospitilized for this, but my family has taken my meds away from me a couple of times. My husband was very close to taking me to the hospital once, but I started to climb out of it myself. I haven't been suicidal in over a year, and am not now. But I don't have any new ammunition to throw at this. Sorry... whining again. I am lucky - I can see that in the big picture. I just have no ideas on how to help myself - right now. Before I have to go to work tomorrow and be the responsible person again. Suzy
16 years ago 0 1890 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Suzy - Had a marvellous lunch with my wife yesterday ( we've been ironing out lts of issues over the last week - always in the same restaurant and it's been great) and we, again, love each other to death. I just wanted to ask you a sort-of-non-sequitur about Lithium; what did you think of Richard Gere's "Mr Jones" (1993)? Did you think that was an adequate portrayal of a MDI or II?? I know it scared the bejeez out of me - I get the heebie-jeebies every time I watch it. I've never had a frenzied elation like that but I have experienced a very weird pressure to speak quickly and at length - at the time I think I'm being 'brilliant' ad 'entertaining' but then I lie flat and mumbling inarticulate the next day; and this I'm talking about happens when I've been completely sober. That friend I was talking about who succumbed to the manic elation break years ago kept it up for a week or so before he was hospitalised - he imagined that he was a reincarnation of the Irish patriot Parnell and, apparently, spouted all the man's public speeches correctly, down to the last syllable. For a moment in his life he WAS a surrogate of his hero - what a joy that must have been before the crash came...? I think I understand you about the necessity or the 'will' to keep having the highs of the BiPolar experience to deal with the stunned inertia of the lows. All the more do I admire you for being able to go to work and function at your job... Who wouldn't give an arm and a leg for the clarity and vivacity of the protracted high when one seems so (paradoxically) "in control"!!?? Patrick
16 years ago 0 1890 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Suzy - thanks for the info about Lithium and Devalproex. I'm going back to Canada for good next April 2008 and I'll see a psychiatrist there about altering my meds to complement the Prozac. God knows, maybe the move back home will eliminate the erratic tripping I'm subject to right now. I feel a bit less anxious about the lithium now that you've talked about it; maybe it'll work for me without ruining what little composure I have when I'm on the even keel that Prozac gives me. Must rush off now tho' I've more to say to you - going for a lunch in a very good Greek restaurant! Patrick
16 years ago 0 29 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Muggins. I was first diagnosed by my GP who put me on Paxil. I think that triggered what was believed to be mania on my part. Became quite the party girl - drinking, flirting outrageously, keeping I think 5 men on the string at once. Then I got concerned that I might be developing a drinking problem like my parent did, and told my GP. He sent me to a phychiatrist who decided that the meds I was on (I was on others for other reasons as well) was too much. He weaned me off the Paxil (what a nightmare) and put me on Lithium and some antidipressent as well - I've been on so many now I forget which ones were in what order. The Lithium gave me the shakes and a lot of weight, and with HBP already additional weight is not a good thing. So then he droped the Lithium and put me on Divalproex. Have been on that for years as a mood stabilizer to balance the antidepressants. He is most concerned that I will think I can fly off buildings or something foolish (mania) than committ suicide (which I have come very close to on several occasions). Lithium is the "gold standard" for to balance mania but many people cannot tolerate it. So Divalproex is the next best thing and I have found no physical problems with it. But that's me. For me, it is used to level off the highs of my 'sine wave" of emotions. The problem is that without the highs, I cannot make it through the lows. And the combination of meds I am on (or have been on) don't ease the lows enough. So right now I am not on Divalproex. I am treating myself as though I have no MDII, and so far have had no desire to do anything manic. However, I regret to say that the lows are as bad as ever. All that being said, talk to your dr about Lithium. I have heard of a number of people for whom it worked very well. If not that, then ask about Divalproex.
16 years ago 0 1890 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thanks for joining the website Suzy, I admire the fact that you're still able to continue at work in the corporate world and deal with your BPII. When I was a little younger than you (I suppose?) I was in the aircraft industry as a contracts administrator and handled multi$M accounts while a practising alcoholic, drug-user and general failure as a human being! I went to AA and then to drug rehab and then retired and worked all the programmes gratefully. Grateful that I recognised all the years of self-medication and the mess that that got me into. Failed marriages (2), alienated son, (1) and saddened lovely sister ( she and her adult kids are all the family I have now) and I ran the gamut from Prozac to Effexor and back to Prozac ( the Effexor was playing havoc with my HBP). Now, I'm married again and battling for privacy with two grown adult boys in a crampped apartment ('luxury' designed for two only) and I feel the need to crank up my Prozac to 60mg per day rather than the 40mg I take now. I'll see my doctor here and get his scrip for the increase. I wouldn't live without Prozac now. I have MDD but sometimes I wonder when I get frustrated with my living situation whether or not I might be BPII also?? Why am I scared of Lithium? I guess because I remember a pal from my youth being diagnosed with BP after a lengthy psychotic episode of Manic elation and he looked so zonked from his drugs ( was it just Lithium?) that I ever after feared the stuff. I can't be a zombie. Is this always the case or was he being loaded down with tranquilisers at the same time as the lithium. This was 1975.??? Can you tell me about your meds and how you stay on top of things with the BP?? Patrick

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