EvolutionHealth.care

Home
Main Forum
Depression
Understanding Major Depressive Disorder
do thoughts of not wanting to live go away?

Advanced Search Form

do thoughts of not wanting to live go away?

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 16

Seaching on the internet for how to's... done that. Fortunately, at the same time I came across some sites that encourged me not to. One thing I usually do when I think about killing myself is to set a date in the future, that day passes, set another date, it passes again...and so on. Like I said before I don't think I'd actually ever do it. It is almost as if it has become a safety net for me--if I need an out, it's there. Quite an ironic use of safety net isn't it. It is interesting that you say those who know you would be shocked, same for me. My mom, my family have absolutely no idea how I feel and think. At times all the energy I have let is focused on "acting" happy. When there isn't enough energy there, that is when I back off and isolate myself so they won't notice. I also went through many increases in medication to get to where it worked. I am on Zoloft and also Wellbutrin XL, and I think the combination has worked pretty good. I don't have that suffication feeling most of the time, and I don't cry 4-5 times a day any more. Hasn't really lifted the depression, but it lets me function relatively normally so that is something. Well it sounds to me like you've beat depression in the past, so you will again. Just hang in there.

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

I also think I have been depressedd most of my adult life. I have taken Zoloft for years.......now, the dose doesn't work. I was in denial about depression, because it was so awful the last time I went thru it, and I am afraid each time, I will never come out of it. I thought that i should die for many many years. That I really really want to die now is stronger than ever. I even searched on the internet for "how to's". But, I did go to a psychiatrists and also a therapists. the doctor says that negative thoughts do go away...each person is different. So, it may be different meds, and how long before they are effective is different with each person. I do remember times in my life when I was happy and content. But now, my brain is not working roght....I want to die, I have no self esteem, every little thing is to much effort, cry at any time for no reason. I can't work. Bottom line....I beleive these thoughts do go away. the biggest mistake I made was not acknowledging my feelings to a professional.....before I got to this point. And, it is a chemical thing going on in our brain.....but therapy helps as well. I had symptoms for years, and people who know me would be shocked at my current state of mind.......it's so unlike my usual "jovial" and confident self. I have doubled my Zoloft, doc says wait two weeks...may double it again. So, I play a waiting game. I would like to hear from you again.

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 16

Crusher, Glad to hear you have an appointment tomorrow. Let me know how it goes for you. Tanya

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

I've been to therapist, the most recent was through my mom. And without boring with a lot of stuff about the past, I was brought up by my Dad. I tried to push the past aside, at least for a while but I couldn't. I just now got an appointment to see a psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I hope he can give at least make me believe that there is someone worth saving here! But it's gone to take an awful lot to convince me.

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 16

Crusher, You mentioned that professional help isn't helping? Have you seen a therapist before, or is medication the only thing you've tried? Again, I urge you to keep trying to get an appointment with one. When things are really bad for me, I often get through it by telling myself "only couple more days before I can see my therapist." Maybe I'm relying on her too much, but it works for me. Tanya

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Tanya, I have done the game thing, in fact that is the best way I manage to distract myself. I keep getting told things get better, but when do they get better. They keep getting worse, and it really is becoming overwhelming. I feel like I'm hanging by an extremely thin thread!

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 31

Tanya- i have many times written down my feelings ahead of time much as you are doing here and taken them along with me to therapy to let my therapist read. i too find that at times it is so long between appointments that when i get there i don't always discuss the things that have been on my mind and this helps me so we can deal with my thoughts and my problems. keep writing- it really does help. Karen

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 16

Crusher, I was where you seem to be when I first started therapy two years ago. I couldn't think about anything else besides wanting to die at all, ever! Now, even though I cannot get rid of these thoughts, I am doing better in that I want to get rid of them or at least deal with them. I would say, don't give up on professional help though. Perhaps you just haven't found the right therapist? You seem frustrated with the whole process of finding a therapist or actually getting an appointment. Is there maybe a friend that can assist you with this so you don't have that frustration on top of everything else? Also, have you tried distracting yourself from the thoughts. At one point, I played the same computer game 10 hours a day for weeks, but I'm still here because even though I couldn't feel better I was able to not think at all for a while. Could you find something that might do that for you? Maybe you are not in that kind of a place right now, but if you are hope this helps. Tanya

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 16

Karen, You mentioned that you discuss your feeling with your therapist and he/she helps you reason your way through the thoughts. Have you discussed ways to keep these thoughts from ocurring? Maybe I need to accept that fact that I will have thoughts of not wanting to live and, like you, I need to learn how to work my way through them more effectively to they do not keep me down all the time. Often times I think about how it would be nice to have a house some day or I think about wanting to start my own business, but every time I let myself think positively about these things inevitably it is followed up with my getting angry with myself for thinking about the future because I don't know if I want one and then sad. It's a visious cycle, and I don't know how to stop it. My appointment with my therapist is not for two weeks, but I would like to talk to her about this. Does anyone have suggestions on how to approach this subuject so that it might not feel as horrible and scary as I imagine it will? I often go to therapy with things that I want to discuss, but most of the time it doesn't happen. That is one thing we are working on is me being able to tell her what I need from our work together. Sometime I think don't know what it is that I need, but now I'm starting to see that it is moreso that I don't know how to express what I need or that it is too scary or anxiety producting that I just don't want to say it. Thanks for listening and advice. Tanya

19 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

I am just starting to actively seek information on self-help, mostly because professional help isn't helping. I've been trying to get an appointment with a psychologist for a month now, without success. I've been put on various different anti-depressants with little or no relief. I've always been on the depressed side, even as a child. However, my Dad's death in 1993 put me over the edge, and with very few exceptions, every day has been a struggle since then. So, I too, live with the constant feeling of not wanting to be here. Has anyone found any technique that has elevated this feeling, even a little bit?

Reading this thread:

today's top discussions:

This Month’s Leaders:

Most Supportive

Most Active

Most Loved

do thoughts of not wanting to live go away?