Where do I start? I do not want to try to explain myself in too much detail or I'll lose focus.
My name is Julian, I experienced panic attacks starting in high school when I was fourteen. Though these attacks were difficult to deal with, they are not the same as what I've experienced recently and which brought me to this site. In 2014 I decided to stop taking my regular SSRI medication cold turkey (during my first year of college) [the medication was recommended not required to function, and I was taking a low dosage.] I quit the medication because let's say I gained a desire to join the military, because its something I have always been interested in since a young age and it is what used to and at times still seems like an impossible goal. I know if my panic disorder, social anxiety, and OCD did not exist, then I would be a free person, because I experienced this freedom while on the medication, and want to experience the same thing off of the medication for the remainder of my life.
So anyway, like I said I quit the medication in October of 2014 and believed I had eliminated my former panic attacks, but all that I had done was trade the attacks for symptoms that closely resemble Generalized Anxiety Disorder (including heart palpatations, chronic tension headaches, and derealization.) I experienced these symptoms up until last month, August 17-19ish, and while I was on vacation with my family I began to try and release myself from these constant anxiety symptoms, but I was out walking under the PA night sky and looked up at the stars. In that moment I had the most horrific feeling I had never felt before in my years of experiencing panic attacks. A feeling that I was outside of my body and being pulled toward the miles of empty space above my head, followed by a feeling of sheer terror; the same feeling a human being would get if they were suddenly thrown off of a 30 story building without a parachute. I could not stand in one place, and started pacing away from my family and I realized that nobody could help me, not even God. I was completely alone with myself and the terror. I ran indoors as my social anxiety and OCD were seemingly non existent in the presence of this fear, I walked up to people I had never seen before just to make sure I was still alive. During the aftermath of the fear, my heart was pounding out of my chest, at times I could not catch my breath, and my legs were trembling. The attack was so severe that for a time it crushed my dream and ambition of continuing without medication. I kept telling myself and trying to talk to God, I told Him that I really tried without the medication and that people aren't supposed to feel the way I felt those few moments ago. I was also angry because I had not been experiencing panic attacks for 8 months in the presence of the generalized anxiety, and I thought I was actually going to be able to join the military, since I also had been working out to the point where I'm close to a perfect score (at least for the running portion of the physical fitness test). I was angry, and I decided that I am still alive, and I could not change the huge setback I had experienced, and I would keep trying.
The thing about this attack was, that it was unexpected and since the amygdala learns by association rather than by logic, I developed an irrational fear of the open sky, and especially at night, when I step outside, I feel panicky as if I am standing on the edge of a sky scraper, like my body behaves in the same exact way as it would if it were standing on a sky scraper because the sky is just a huge empty void to me. I have been challenging this since the day it happened and convinced myself that my fear is irrational, and that I could have the same exact panic attack anywhere, anytime. So I have been having severe recurrent panic attacks in the absence of generalized anxiety, but when I feel the attacks are too much to handle, my brain seems to switch gears and I have constant heart palpatations for most of the day. I feel like I'm living on the edge of a nervous breakdown and I need help, I do not want to throw my dream away, as getting back on the medication will disqualify me from joining the military.
I was grateful to find a website that offers free help for those who deserve the basic human dignity of going through one day, and hopefully one day, the rest of their lives without a panic attack or the fear of one. I say that because I think of the amount of money my family and I've spent on therapists in an attempt to feel 'normal,' and when I do think of it I feel cheated and robbed. 1 in 10 people suffer from panic disorder, and there should naturally be free help for those 1 in 10 who suffer with the condition. In my experience, those 1 in 10 should not have to spend $200 dollars a month, $40 per visit (while living with their anxiety disorder, depending on whether they take medication or not, and note for some medication may not even work, and in other cases may worsen the condition) running into dead ends in an attempt (note: an attempt, not a guarantee) to feel somewhat like the 9 in 10 who do not experience the same life we do. Its not okay.
Now don't get me wrong, I believe most therapists have good intentions of helping people resolve their issues, while in search of their personal development and in earning an honest living, and for some clients, therapy is the way to go. Sometimes we need someone to talk to, but for me personally it is upsetting the notion that we must spend money, and time on trying to feel like the 9 in 10; depending on how bad your panic attacks and anxiety are.
I am looking forward to implementing the website's self help and CBT course into my life in faith that I will be able to achieve my dream one day and that I will be able to be myself and do the things I love without worrying about a panic attack ever again. Thank you for reading and look forward to connecting with you all.
