Davit, thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
Since the day in the car i have felt that there is something with me. I can't explain what this is, but something around me and it is a constant. I like to sing and i play the piano.
Into the distance, my mind wanders. Off the shore far beyond the sea's.
Filling my vision, so pure it seems, the flicker of white, slowly, softly consuming me.
I rise, above all things and over all of time, the feeling penetrates, peaceful, divine.
I would wash myself all the time, as a child and it became a ritual. I thought i was dirty and wanted to be fairer like the others. I grew up and with that i gained knowledge but inside me this feeling of not being pure stuck. My self esteem has always been low, my appearance has always attracted attention and it was a confusing time. Why did these people say i was beautiful why would they compliment my skin, my hair my looks? I struggled inside it was a battle.
I know what he did was wrong, i was innocent and he had problems. Still his words carved in to me like a knife and i longed for my father so badly i believed he had gone because of me. I believed what he said to me.
As time has passed i've been lucky enough to have some great people enter my life, who have helped build me up instead of knock me down. My daughter is my biggest blessing and to her i am perfect.
I clearly have a lot of long standing negative core beliefs. I never 'want' to do much, except sing and play. Everything else feels forced.
I want to change that. I need coping skills that work, what is the first step?
Catalina
