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I hate, Hate, HATE this.....

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 162

Thanks Davit

I need to get back to a place where I can challenge my negative thoughts more effectively. It's very hard to do this when you're in a crisis mode (which I've been in for the last 10 days or so). Once things settle down a bit more, I hope to be able to move forward. It's just going to take time....which is difficult to accept. We always want instant results...but that's not the case with anxiety and CBT trainig.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

If you are considering restarting the program then you must be getting something out of it. I think it is a good idea. I know others have done the program more than once. The object is to recover which ever way works for you. I still believe everyone has a chance they just have to find what works. It worked for me so why not everyone, I'm nothing special except being a sponge for information. And determined. Especially determined.

Davit

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 162

Thanks Davit

This is my 2nd time off work for anxiety this year. Last time was in January. I wasn't completely off work but I was on strict modified duty with no patient contact (basically just doing computer work and whatnot a couple days a week with a gradual buildup of days, hours and responsibility until I was back to my regular duties).

Even before I saw my doctor and she took me off work, my coworkers told me not to worry about work...it would still be there...and I needed to take time to get myself better. But it's still hard. There are others who will be covering for me...except for 2 afternoons and one full day...so I'm feeling slightly less guilty about it now.

Now if I can just get my anxiety a bit more under control. I'm even thinking of restarting this program from scratch.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I had a hard time with that too because I knew I could do my job but the anxiety wouldn't let me. I am very good at the things I do so not being able to hurt. And of course I felt like I was letting everyone down by not being able to do my part. I had no idea how long it takes to turn this around. I had no one to tell me that I needed to take as long as it takes. I kept sabotaging myself by being impatient. My case is different in that I was forced to retire for other health reasons so could take the time.

I hope you find a medication that will allow you both to go back to work and do CBT at the same time.

Old saying, "when you are in a hurry slow down". You don't want to have to do things twice. I should have listened to that I would have recovered sooner.

Davit

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 162

Thanks for the feedback Davit & Ashley.

This has been a very difficult week for me. My anxiety has been spiraling out of control since July. I went to my doctor on Friday, and she has ordered me off work for 2 weeks, at which time I'll be reassessed. I work in the cardiology department of a hospital, and am completely useless right now. I don't want to be off work, but I certainly don't want to put my patients at risk while I'm in this state. Being off work is causing quite a bit of guilt and disappointment in myself. Disappointment that I'm having such a difficult time controlling my anxiety, and guilt in that I am away from work and not there to help. We are also going to change my anxiety medications again.

I'm hoping the next two weeks will see a fairly smooth transition from one medication to another, and at least allowing me to get back to a spot where I can get back to dealing with my anxiety in a more constructive method, rather than the crisis mode I'm in right now.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hi Ashley.

Do you remember the saying, Never go to bed mad. This was probably pre CBT. But it had meaning. You are what you feel. (emotions) You are what you think. (conditioning)

My post was about not blocking the emotions but feeling them then changing them and about conditioning so they are harmless. Like you said. If you know your heart is okay then you know it is anxiety but to keep from going back to the anxiety you need to be able to accept it. One of the ways I do this is to say, "oh you are here again" instead of I hate this. Would that be a neutral thought or a positive one? It would probably depend on how your mind defines things. With some people it might do nothing because they would see it as a snide negative remark. And in that case it would be negative and keep the negative and therefore the anxiety in play. They would need something stronger. After more than five years seeing that anxiety doesn't have to rule me I don't need a very strong thought to neutralize the triggers.

If I think about it though I was scared and I did hate and fear panic attacks. Hate is a word I don't like to use but in this case I did hate them. I have taken it for the most part out of my language. I dislike a lot of things. For me that means I have to ignore them because they are not to my liking and thinking about them makes it worse.

Triggers are just triggers what you build on them with thoughts dictates how they will affect you.

Karin is a trigger for me. Sometimes how she expresses herself makes me mad and my heart starts to race. But it is how I read into what she says that is the problem, not what she actually says. I can say it is not important even if it makes me mad or is hurtful. It might not be, I might just think it is. Ignoring it would be neutral. Thinking it isn't important would be positive. Yet getting mad would be the reaction I would like to use but don't. Because I don't want that in my memory.

Are you familiar with P.A.D.E.S.I. It is a way of talking to another person and I think it could be used as a way to talk to your mind also to keep the conversation neutral. A step towards positive if positive is too hard right now. From there a person could work up to positive. Panic attacks are just as real and just as threatening as a person would be. It might need some modification is all.

David.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Davit,

You make an excellent point. Expressing yourself honestly is very important, it's even more important to feel validated and heard. I certainly would not want to stop someone from expressing how they really feel so I am glad you made your post Davit. That being said, language really does shape our reality and what we tell ourselves can really be a self fulfilling prophecy. As an exercise, I was hoping to ask Cardio Tech to use neutral (not positive) language to describe what was happening n order to highlight the importance of language. But after reading your post I can see how this might be a bit confusing.

Instead, I am wondering if talking about acceptance and mindfulness might be a bit more helpful? The thing with anxiety is, it is often the fear of anxiety that perpetuates the problem. We become a bit stressed for a certain reason then we fear "terrible, bad" anxiety and then, of course, anxiety occurs. What if we were able to remove the "terrible" and "bad" and just accept the anxiety (for the time being)? For instance, if you wake up in the morning and catch yourself having chest pain, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself it is anxiety. If you notice yourself wanting to judge the experience as "bad, horrible, etc." acknowledge this pull and simply let it pass. Taking deep breaths will mindfully labelling an emotion non judgementally can be very helpful, but it does take practice. What is everyone's thoughts on this exercise instead? Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Ashley

Having gone through panic attacks I can relate to how people feel and express them selves. Venting helps and I would rather see people use all the negative words they feel. I agree with you that they keep the anxiety around that is a fact. But they don't have to if they end the vent with some positive words and positive thoughts. Last used, first accessed. I don't use the negative words but at one time I really did feel the terror and I really did hate panic attacks. I don't anymore. Anger is okay as long as you don't end angry. Release for relief is perfectly acceptable as long as it isn't aimed at anyone. Every one I know gets mad at panic attacks except maybe me. I used to. Enough time has passed that I can accept them and roll with them.

Just my opinion. I would hate to see anyone thinking they are doing something wrong even if they are. Panic attacks left me very fragile and very sensitive.

Davit.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Cardio Tech,

I am sorry to hear about how you have been feeling. Dealing with anxiety, especially at work, on a daily basis can be a big challenge. You deserve to be free of this.

I do want to say though, congrats on having a healthy heart - that's good news! We know your heart is ok so if you can change your thoughts about your heart you can likely let go of the fear. How have you been trying to challenge these thoughts? Are any of the techniques in the program helping? A few off the top of my head that might be helpful is worry stopping, box breathing and 10 questions to challenge negativity. Have you had any luck with these strategies?

Also, be sure to watch your language. It can be really hard to keep anxiety in check when we think about out anxiety in extreme ways. It becomes a vicious cycle. Thinking this way often happens without us realizing so it can be very hard to control. But if we watch out for it, and try to challenge these thoughts systematically, then they soon begin to change. For example, in your last paragraph you used the words terrible, terror, barely managing, helpless, and failure. These are very, very strong words. I know you believe these thoughts right now so I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Do you think there is anyway you can re frame that last paragraph to more neutral language? You might find the exercise helpful.

Please know you are not alone. We will help you every step of the way. You CAN do this.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I actually know people I would wish anxiety on. They are so ignorant and unbelieving. A little scare might do them some good. But panic attacks never. They are like a mini death. Many is the time I wished I could die so I'd never have another. Because of a change in living conditions I get a few of them again. Two have been bad, but the rest mild. The thing is though that I accept them as a part of my life again and i'm working to reduce or eliminate them. Karin is the trigger but the reaction is still mine.

Many years ago I had very bad crippling pain in my sternum. And my throat would close so bad I could hardly swallow. 35 years ago I lost my spleen and got an infection during my stay in hospital. Micoplasma is a slow growing spirochete that gets into the cells that form the joints. 8 years later I started losing cartilage and getting swollen joints. I never once thought this might be heart. At 38 I thought it was torn muscles. the inflammation was mild but still noticeable. Minocycline in a low dose has slowly got rid of it. Since I know what it is and since I know I have high blood pressure chest pain doesn't cause me anxiety. It is just pain. There is no accurate test for micoplasma but a white cell test will show infection and there are tests for inflammation. Unlike most infections there is no fever even though the infected area may be quite hot. Now at 64 I would e concerned about my heart even though chest pain for me would probably be a reoccurance of the arthritis or torn muscles.

Davit

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I hate, Hate, HATE this.....