Hi Everyone, I came back to visit and share some things I've learned about myself this year. The last time I posted, I had flown around the world, solo, to S. Korea. I fell in love with a S. Korean business man and I was working for his flooring company and we were going to get married and travel the world together. Well, if I had gone SLOWLY and got to know him BEFORE I fell in love with him, I would have saved myself emotional devastation. I put him on a pedestal and saw him for who I wanted him to be and did not see him for who he actually was. It turned out he was controlling, critical and a user. And, I was in DENIAL and ALLOWED it, because I wanted the fairy tale ending. So...I broke up with him and I stopped lying to myself. I saw a negative pattern of the types of men (and friends and people in general) that I have been seeking out and attracting. Humans tend to stick with the familiar and I am very familiar and comfortable with bad relationships. I need to become comfortable in good and healthy relationships. Now that I was aware of this self-sabotaging behavior, I needed to change what I do, in order to get a different result. Shockingly, I discovered I have an unhealthy dependency on people. I had a false negative belief that I couldn't take care of myself. I saw other people as strong and powerful and if I could cling onto those people, they would take care of me and I would be alright. I attracted people who have a sense of entitlement and they saw me coming a mile away. I gave them my power in exchange for a false sense of security. I fed into their power egos and fueled the dysfunctional relationship, that was doomed from the start. Another sad realization is that I would accept "friends" who would treat me like crap, just so I wouldn't be lonely. So...enough negative and onward in positivity...I've learned not to put all of my focus on one person. And, to not put all of my hopes and dreams into other people, events or outcomes. That's a recipe for disappointment. I'm in charge of my own happiness. I would rather be in my own good company than to be treated poorly by anyone. I am becoming self-reliant. I am learning to trust myself. I am protecting myself from toxic and harmful people. I am whole by myself. I like myself. Once I liked myself, I couldn't allow other people to treat me with disrespect any longer. I'm happy to say that I took a workforce class at CSM and I am now a Certified Computer Repair Technician. I am looking for a job as an IT Help Desk Technician. I will be able to take care of myself. I know what qualities to avoid in people and I also know what to look for in people. If I want to get married in the future, it's a choice. I don't have to gt married, because I think I can't take care of myself. I looked back at all of my successes in life and I found one common thread. I didn't give up, even if it was difficult, scary, out of my comfort zone, had self-doubt and was uncomfortable. I wanted to quit that computer class 4 times. I thought I would fail the final, but persistence paid off. It's how I overcame panic disorder and agoraphobia. I still use the coping skills I learned here, in all areas of my life. It's how I got on a plane and flew 35 hours within a 10 day trip. My two new values are adventure and travel. I've joined 2 Meetup groups in my area. I'm learning Spanish as a second language and I'm in a computer group to hone my skills. I'm building confidence. I'm going to make mistakes and take steps backwards while I'm going forward, but one day those steps back will become less and less until they become a distant memory, like panic attacks and agoraphobia. Old habits are hard to break, but you keep going and don't quit and never ever give up! Shari
