Fear of getting fired
Caper, I read what you wrote and see so much of what you experienced in my own life.
When I was younger, I went from job to job , just trying to make ends meed. Finally, land the dream job. Something I can turn into a career. A fair amount of attention to detail required in my role. This is not good for someone with ADD, but I make lists, write things down and try to be as accurate as I can. Unfortunately, mistakes happen. If someone tells me I've made a mistake, I can fix it. The problem with the work environment I am in is that they tell my manager before me, if I'm told at all. So I'm called up onto the carpet. I have to admit, my manager is aware that people have issues and understands that depression can be very debilitating. I'm put on medical leave to try and deal with my problems. I take some serious steps to deal with my ADD; new and stronger medications, mental and memory training. Six months later, I'm feeling good and strong and prepared to return to work. My first day back and I meet with my manager. He discusses how much they've invested in me and how this year is a cost cutting year and how they are expecting a vast improvement in my performance or "steps will need to be taken." And so, the anxiety begins. I get back into my work, feeling I'm more prepared and then suddenly (to me at least), I find I'm making the same mistakes again.
No one has said anything to me, but the looks, and the meetings my manager has with other staff suddenly become the plotting of my termination. Being the sole wage earner in my family of 4 (2 teenage girls), I can't lose my job. I just can't.
My family is well versed in the effects of clinical depression as my wife and her father (who live with us) are being treated for it. My wife (the wonderful woman that she is) has been encouraging me to find an outlet and help for my situation. This is really the first time I've set down this situation into words, so I must apologize for the length of this post. But, I guess the act of putting it into words is a start to dealing with this,
Thanks for reading.
