I wanted to go ahead and say hello to everyone, and posting in a forum is a direct challenge to my negative thought of "nothing I have to say matters." So I'm doing it!
I actually began feeling a bit better yesterday after a month-long stage of severe depression. I felt really hopeless because I had been taking a medication for six months that was working fantastically for me, and I felt like it just "gave out" on me. But you know what? I think I forget to take stress and big changes into consideration, and am too quick to blame my brain chemistry. I need to work on my thought processes and how I deal with change, because I let it consume me and then fall deeper into the hole.
I am a college student, and despite having suffered from MDD and anorexia for seven years, I decided to take a risk and study abroad this semester in Europe. I am leaving in less than two weeks. At first I thought it was just bad timing that I suddenly felt this severely depressed (I was even suicidal at one point, but am no longer), but now I realize that the big changes coming up are challenging my mental health.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Sorry! Glad to be using this program now.
Thanks so much for replying, wellandhappy! And I appreciate your advice on living abroad; although I anticipate it to be a great challenge, I also believe internal strength is built off of new obstacles. So although I am incredibly nervous, I'm also hopeful that this trip will help to develop my character. And, like you said, maybe I'll learn to depend on myself more :) Also, it's absolutely freezing and icy where I live right now, and I hear Scotland isn't nearly as cold which is nice because I find being outdoors really helpful for my mood.
By the way, I love your motivational video with Elmo!
I love this! I'm so glad you brought this up. For the past few years I absolutely refused to go see a therapist again because I was so sick of trying to fix my depression and way of thinking, but I realized a month ago that I really need to start working on myself again. Ignoring my problems really got me no where because I crashed so much harder when I didn't try and figure out what I truly need (i.e. self-kindness, not self-criticism).
I still have a lot of trouble bringing up my depression with anyone other than my therapist because I'm afraid it will be tiresome and annoying. One of my best friends told me a few years ago that I was "too much," and that really affected me. How do others deal with this?
I definitely think you can be born with a disposition that puts you more in danger of becoming depressed. My mom told me that even when I was just three years old I would react very badly to change and remain despondant for a long time. Maybe when you combine brain chemistry with personality you get the answer? In my psychology class I learned that a person's temperment in likely to stay the same from three yrs old onward.
I went to see a doctor as well! I honestly thought there was something wrong with my body and it didn't even occur to me that I could be feeling so exhausted and run down because of depression! During the worst of it I was sleeping 16 hours a day and still tired, felt slightly feverish, and felt cold and light-headed. But the only thing doctors found wrong is low iron.
It's so strange how depression can have such a noticable effect on how I physically feel. I feel so much healthier when I'm not as depressed.
I'm so confused with myself. Life is looking up, I'm leaving to study abroad soon (and explore another continent...incredibly exciting!) and yet I can't stop thinking about how much I miss being in a hospital. I've been hospitalized six times in the past five years (a lot, I know -- but three were in the same year), and although I hate being "locked up," there's something very comforting and soothing about being taken care of by professionals. Maybe it's the opportunity to be honest and not need to wear a mask? I know I don't really want to be in a hospital, and I certainly don't want to sabotage my recovery to get back in, but then what do I need? What am I missing that is making me wish to be safe again?
:(
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