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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Exciting News!

found it... sorry.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

yet again!

hi gang,

wow the site is something.

I was thinking ... some times I should not but it is a bad habit! The Psychiatrist had planted the seed that I might not be really bipolar but have a borderline personality disorder (alergy to rejection). The psychologist says the symptoms look the same but the expressions are very different and I am very bipo. still!

Also........ I do not know if I switch moods and I fit the situations into them ... or if the situations are what push my moods.

How can I tell? Right now I look at my mood charts and all the rest of the papers and I feel like I have been lying to myself! I have been filling these things to convince myself that everything is okay. That I am fine. But really I am crazy. I am always so.

When I am so sore and tired why does it seem like nothing else has ever existed? I seem to have forgotten what it was like to be normal/happy. I am this hypersensitive water-works that frightens everyone!

Why does it seem like the rest of the world slowly learns to move on and here I still am ... the gang here has changed twice since I signed on ... and yet I have not moved on more than a square or two. Am I particularly dense? or hopeless?

What a rotten week I am misunderstood by the far away office and then misunderstood my a closer coleague. Both go and WHINE to a boss and I get the the e-mail lectures!!! I am bored to the point of sleep. and no hope in site - worse the little bit of interesting stuff was taken away from me! I learn I am I clerk and the simpleton is an analyst.

And my husband sees nothing!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

down (overwhelmed) and out (avoidance)

the energy fizzed out and I crashed. I am again miserable. and surviving on coffee!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Fear of Aging and Death

hi bigwater.

I am bipolar (depressive with hypomania - I recently was cycling rapidly thanks to my antidepressant!)

I guess I have lived with such hard depressive periods that i had to deal with alone that I eventually overcame my fear of death. OR I have always mistaken my mortal enemy for my best friend.

Is there some particular issue with death or dying that causes the most anxiety?

for me it was the dying a horrible lingering death that would carry over to the after-life and never end... a never ending suffering. and when depressed that is a BIG problem! I guess that physics and religion have helped me better understand and believe that energy/matter exists in a closed system and can not be destroyed. so it is converted. the energy that is me becomes something else ... and so on from there...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Fear of Aging and Death

this may sound silly ... but humour helps.

I was reading the Cat Rules Everything (Including the Dog) and it helped.

*the lighter side of life

**the grass is not alway greener over there.

*we are all on the same ark.

I read somewhere that humour stimulates differents parts of the brain (different associations and differents pathways in the brain) and new chemicals need to be released.... what ever works I guess.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

down (overwhelmed) and out (avoidance)

thanks rose. but right now I was noticed for those 20 minutes this morning and am being asked to discuss what is going on. Asked to vent the negativity and and discuss ways to make things easier...

but you know. I am still sore I feel like a trapped canine ready to chew a limb off to save myself from more suffering! and if I open my mouth AGAIN i am going to be in worse water. In the past two weeks I have had two encounters i really do not need any more!

I am in Montreal and reasonable accomodations are a VERY touchy subject especially with the cultural envirnoment here. You know the company has a sketky accomodations polocy but without that doctor's paper i have nothing. I have had one appointment with the dr and now can't find him because he is on call at the hospital (I am not going there, forget that!).

And you know, the boss tried. She read a few pages on bipo. Looked at me ... and well if you have not lived with the illness /depression you have no idea what it is like to have your will broken. I think I was declawed

I really wish I better understood what I am going to live with. I wish I could say I will be like this every 27th of the month for 4 days. I wish I could say the light is now down to 9 hours and till it is back to 11 hours I will be like this... or if I eat like this I will be miserable ... but is all this and so much more and it is driving me batty

I want the magic formula to relative stability. I want my pain to stay between 3 and 5 and the anxiety to stay below 5 at all times. I want stress to be below 3.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Challenging Worry - Progressive Muscle Relaxation

I had a melody beady casette that I would follow as she would tell me to tense a part then release ... then the next ... It was great till the dog ate it.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Week-end Prep!

Hi,

I am re-re-re-reading the dummies bipolar book and starting to understand triggers!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

yet again!

my turn, my turn. the computer is all mine. my turn! it helps that every one is dead tired.

Well,

I know that progress is a Relative thing. It is just that I read the books. I did the exercises. I took the meds. I want to be better. And still I have these therr and four days where it SEEMS like the world has come to an end and I have NEVER know the sun and joy!!!! And the mood passes, and I am me again. I am able to reason again and remember that last week I was fine and filled in my charts honestly. I did the sleeping and eating properly - I am down to 262lbs!!! (minus 8 pounds!)

It is just these small periods where I am Crazy. I cat nap all nite long -wake-sleep-wake-sleep-wake-sleep ... eat at the proper time what looks like the right amout but with too much or no appetite.

The work let up a bit thursday and friday so the boss got a chance to talk to me. She know how hard it is for me to conform to the the office and work at their pace. She also told me that she has seen such phenomenal progress in me in the past 12 months that it was why she gave me the challenge. And I have been meeting it !

Can you believe I got lost coming home today? 4 years following the same path and poof I turn and got lost! I picked up the kids at school 30 minutes late - thank goodness for my cell and the school # programmed into it! So not only am I searching for words now am going to get lost every once in a while???

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

media

A while ago we were discussing attempts by the media to break some of the stigma around mental illness. wll the provincial gov.t here has started a new series of ads and they are driving me to distraction!

I am his boss and I think he is taking advantage of the system.

I am a coleague and I think he not ambitious.

I am a friend and I think he is lazy.

I am his doctor and I know he has an illness.

Are they trying to give people more dumb ideas?

Really. What bothers me is that It makes me feel like a sign is being put on my shirt. I am not lazy I am sick. How did attitudes change towards diabetics? towards cardic patients? cancer patients? I do not remember ads for them ... I do remember ads for HIV and AIDS.

I feel like this big red and white target is painted on me each time the dumb ad comes on ... at home, at work, even at the shopping center on the electronics dept!

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