I'm so scared today. I had palpatations about 10 this morning and I've just been terrified since. It's so hard to break the cycle when it starts like that. I don't feel safe, any where! I took 20mg propranolol to help with the physical symptoms but that doesn't stop the anxious thoughts and fear. It's so exhausting. I want this to end so badly. I've come a long way from where I was 6 months ago but every day it's still there and more often than not, in my face. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I've done everything I'm supposed to do but it just won't quit. I think a new goal for me would be to just try to get through one entire day without anxiety.
I've been really working hard at trying to get better and I believe I've narrowed down my fears to a few things. First of all both my doctor and my therapist have said I have PTSD... and I know that CBT is the best thing to treat that. When you're good, its ok. But when you crash, you crash hard! Or at least I do.
I'm afraid I'll develop heart disease (my sister has had problems since she was born with her heart), blood clot (my husband during his cancer treatment), cancer (my husband again, among others), or aneurysm (my 2nd cousin and my great Aunt).
I know it takes practice to focus on something different rather than how I'm feeling every second of every day. And I know all this worrying and anxiety is only hurting my health more. I just get so scared sometimes... I spend most of my time at home and that's where my problems seem to be. When I'm out some where, I feel fine! For the most part. It's when I'm at home that I get the anxiety and notice the physical symptoms like increased heart rate. And it usually starts about an hour after I get home from some where. It's horrible at night. I have problems sleeping, I feel so tired most of the time, and that only makes me more anxious. I guess I'm just really frustrated right now, I feel like I've plateau'd in my recovery and I'm not sure where to go from here or what else to do.
Thank you so very very much for your reply! You're exactly right, I've just in the last couple of days read through the Simulating Panic section but I've yet to begin the actual simulation. I will certainly check out the information here for this PTSD, I'm certain it will be helpful. I have done some reading on some other sites about it and I've realized that what's really happening is my brain is releasing chemicals to put me into that anxious response. This has actually really helped me today. Every time I felt it building, I reminded myself that it was just that and not dangerous and I was safe and it would subside. And I also reminded myself that my worrying and panic symptoms are taking a huge toll on my health and that I just need to be patient and it will get better every day. I'm not sure if I was just in the right frame of mind today or what but it really helped! I go back to see my therapist next week and I'm "anxious" to see her. Three weeks between visits has been too long. I'd like to get specific answers from her about where she thinks this might have come from and where do I go from here? I can't help but feel if I knew exactly what caused the problem in the first place and addressed it, I might be able to move on and heal from it. Of course there's always the chance that I might never know for sure, but I know I'll still get better!
This morning was ok but then about 4:00 this afternoon I had a panic attack. A mild one, compared to some I've had, but still. I'm so frustrated. I have a raging head ache. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm really really sick of this and so are the people around me. Nothing seems to be helping, just when I think I'm feeling a bit better, another wave hits...
It actually started with my heart pounding and sweaty hands and just escalated from there. I stayed where I was and tried to get through it (I was in my livingroom on the couch) but wasn't able to get any relief until I retreated to my bedroom. I have almost all of my anxiety at home. I don't really have any distraction here right now and so I spend a lot of time focusing on how I'm feeling and my anxiety. Which of course makes things worse. Today is a new day though and hopefully a better one. Thank you for your reply.
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