Newbie here. Need some words of wisdom
Hello everyone my name is Jason and i am new to the site, well i started it about 2 weeks ago. Anyway I am 29 years old and i had my first panic attack when I was about 20 years old so for about 9 years now i have been living with this. When my first panic attack happened 9 years ago I was married and had a baby on the way, i had already takin on responsibilty for my wifes son she that she had before we met. So anyway one day me and my wife and my stepson were in walmart shopping, I remember it like it was yesterday we were in the shampoo isle and i was pushing the cart, and suddenly out of no where I started to feel weak in my legs and my heart began to beat very hard and very fast! I had no idea what was happening to me, I told my wife that i needed to go sit down and i think by the look of panic on my face she knew something was wrong, so we walked towards the front of the store and with every step I took the panic got worse and worse, the thought were coming in a mile a minute, thoughts like am I dying? am I having a heart attack? will I stop breathing? I wonder what people are thinking? So anyway after a short walk we had made it to a bench in the front of the store where I sat down and tried to figure out what was wrong, but after sitting there in shear panic for 10 min and it not letting up I began to cry and told my wife to call for an ambulance! Well after about 10 min. the ambulance arrived and took me to the local hospital, but by the time we had made it to the hospital I had started to calm down and feel better, but the doctors did all kinds of tests anyway, but all the tests came back normal and the doctors could find nothing wrong with me so they released me and gave no explaination to what had happened to me. Well the following day me and my wife went out to run some errands and one of the errands was to go to a new bank and open an account, well you can all probably guess what had happened, as soon as I stepped into the bank I started to feel the same sensations that I had felt the previous day at walmart, so I immediatly said to my wife we have to leave and out the door we went! I had no idea what was happening to me, I was scared and felt I needed to make an appointment with my doctor asap! So the next day i got in to see my doctor and I explained to him what had happened and eveything that was going on, he then told me it sounded like i was having panic attacks and explained what they were, the symptoms seemed to fit what was happening to me perfect but he still did tests first to rule out anything else, and when the test all came back normal he decided to put me on paxil and this is where the real journey began... Well i just realized that this is becoming a very long story so let me try to shorten it up, ok doc gave me paxil, sucked at first but then started to work (maybe worked a little to well) I stopped having panic attacks, but i started to not care about things, i started to sleep ALOT and became addicted to alcohol, this resulted in fighting with my wife all the time and eventually we split up. After the split i started living with friends and started drinking more and more, i was getting into fights with guys all the time and in trouble with the law, my whole world had been turned upside down. Finally one day after getting into a fight with some guy at his house after a party i had what i like to call a nervous breakdown and i had to move back in with my mom. I stopped drinking and going out, i then met my girlfriend now over the internet, she lives in the next town, we started to see each other, she would come over to my moms and spend time with me, she was a great help. Then she became pregnant and now we have a 7 month old baby girl ( She had a little girl from a previous relationship already), i developed agoraphobia and now i cant even leave the house so she comes over on the weekends to visit me. Ok well i decided to get off paxil and try lexapro, i had weened myself down to 5 mg a day of paxil and i started to take 5mg of lexapro to take some of the side effects away of the paxil, bad idea, about the forth day of taking the lexapro i had the worst panic attack of my life! So i stopped taking the lexapro and continued the paxil 5mg, well the problem is ever since i had the panic attack from the lexapro i have been getting worse and worse, ive become depressed, i am anxious all the time and i am having panic attacks again, i dont want my mom to leave for work because i am absolutly terrified of being home alone and the worse thing is that 2 weeks ago my girlfriend and my daughter came over and as i was holding my little girl i had a thought that i might do something to hurt her! Now im scared to see my little girl because i might try to hurt her! And ive even had thoughts like that about my mom or my stepdad or anyone that is near me! I feel so alone! I dont want to hurt my little girl, i dont want to hurt anyone for that matter! I love my mom and my little girl! I feel like im going crazy! I even thought about admitting myself but my agoraphobia is so bad that i cant go anywhere! I feel trapped and i feel like things are never going to get better and i am causing great grief on my family! Why am i having these thoughts? are they just anxiety? how do i know for sure i wont hurt someone? am i going crazy? how do i get better? I havent worked in 3 years so i have no money to get help, i have no medical insurance, i have nothing! And now i cant even see my little girl! My ex wont let me see my other kids, and i dont have the money or ability to take her to court, i cant even leave the house to go to the doctor let alone to court! If anyone has advise or can offer help please let me know! please!
