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why life is better


9 years ago 0 11218 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Beautiful!

Thank you for sharing. I am sure your post will inspire many new (and old) members on the site.


Ashley, Health Educator
9 years ago 0 421 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thanks guys for the kind words. I started typing and it just poured out of me!  Then I had more to say so took to my blog! :-) Today has had a real effect on me. A good effect. 

Elizabeth, I think you are doing the best you can given the stress you have been under. Losing your brother is a horrible thing. You belong in success stories because you haven't given in. You have continued fighting the drinking. Even if everyday is a new day. You could have dissolved into a puddle but you are still here on this site trying. You aren't a fraud...you are dealing with a huge loss. Cut yourself some slack. It will get better. 

Dave, you have been so great at inspiring me. It's ironic that we almost have the same resolve anniversary! I can see why being away from home is a trigger. It's a vacation frame of mind whether business or not. Good for you for not giving in. I read another post string where you mention the "hell" life would spiral into if you give in even to moderation. What an insight. I know what you mean though...that same hell you mentioned scares me straight and narrow so to speak! I can't go back. I mean it when I say I was close to death. In a very short period of time I dove straight to the bottom and I couldn't breath there. I was suicidal when I drank and that's the truth and that's scary to admit. 
It's great that you can see yourself almost through a third eye and examine/recognize what's going on before the AV strikes. It's a hard thing to do---seeing triggers, figuring out what makes yourself tick and fixing it. Takes real dedication. You have that and you inspire others and give positive feedback all the time. Your right about strong feelings generating a strong response--meaning a binge. Yes, binges aren't accidents--Even if we don't know it, own it or recognize it. But I've been taking your advice and looking inward. And I have to say sometimes it a hard revelation as to what pushes my buttons. Abandonment is another trigger for me. Even if it's me leaving. Feeling not worthy is another and I know where that comes from.

I find self talk with honesty inside my head to be helpful as well as trying to handle life with grace and thinking of others. Embracing life? Absolutely! I don't get it when people say you can't do this or you can't do that. Why not try? If you don't try something won't you always wonder if you could? Negativity gets us no place but back where we came from.  Goes back to that 'but' thinking you pointed out to me a few weeks back....remember? The word 'but' erases everything---basically saying you aren't gonna do it. I have actively worked on that one! Lol! 

Life is a choice. How we live it, how we don't. Choice. 






9 years ago 0 161 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Nodrama, I really enjoyed your post... read it several hours ago, and I thought... I need to move out of the "success stories" until I really deserve it... see you in "dealing with urges" because I was there but now I am not quite there yet, so I don't want to feel like a fraud. You inspire me.
9 years ago 0 1009 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi ND,

Great work and a very inspiring post! I can totally relate on all points. And binges are definitely premeditated, even if we like to tell ourselves otherwise. I'm traveling on business right now and being away alone, whether on holidays or work, was always a trigger for me, and I experienced that the other day when I got here. I still experience the echoes of certain situations because I was well-practiced in taking advantage of them. That's perfectly fine because every time I don't give in to the situation and assert my choice I regain a new level of control. So when it happens I embrace them and I ask myself "Why do I feel this way?"  It becomes quickly apparent that I'm uncomfortable in some way or there is another catalyst that I feel the need to assert control over and find escape or detachment from negative feelings and emotions. Sometimes I need to improve or develop a new skill, like conversations, etc. We often drink to step away or remove ourselves from these negative feelings. The stronger the feelings the farther we want to run away from these feelings or decimate them  (binge drinking). We hear people say they drink because they are bored....Are they really bored or have they spent so long suppressing their dreams and goals that the regret is profound and difficult to face. Or perhaps it's fear. People will find every excuse why it is they can't pursue a dream but it's far worse to live with the regret of not embracing what makes you happy. We are told "You can't do that...". I say "Say's who? You?" 

You're doing really great ND! Keep going! Resolve your problems and enjoy living. BTW, we seem to have had the same revelation about drinking around the same time, although a bit of a gap. I stopped drinking on July 22, 2013 so it's 1 year and 60 days for me. I can tell you, it gets better and better. I still have work to do but that's living your life, right? 

All the best,

Dave
9 years ago 0 421 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
So this morning marks 60 day's for me.  No binges, no bad nights/days.  I love being able to remember what happened the night before. I love not having to worry---did I call someone or do something AGAIN....Did I embarass myself and do I need to "fix" it today? Does anybody know I binge drink? Where can I buy alcohol today that I haven't been in a while so they won't know how much I buy....If I pretend to be reading in the bedroom can I drink in peace without "getting into trouble"?  OMG! How did I live like that.  The answer is,  it's not really living.  I would have little pieces of living engulfed in a bottle. Like I would pour myself out every so often and then pour myself back in.
I can trace the beginnings of the problems. I can see the forced break and the picking back up of the problem.  I have a map in my mind of where it started, continued and ended.  I go over it every day that's something that I think helps me. I have learned recently not to beat myself up about the past but, learn from it and promise myself not to repeat it. If we spend all our energy punching ourselves over our past we begin to feel defeated.  So, I have to look at why I did what I did.  Not the things I did once I was drunk. But, why I took that first drink when I knew and I mean knew it was going to turn out badly because I could tell when I was gonna binge.   I have practiced slight moderation over the last 60 day's--very little. I think that I will eventually just leave it completely behind me as it really doesn't fit in this new chapter of my life.
 
Life is better now.  SO much better. Yes, examining feelings is difficult.  Yes, motivation is difficult at times. Yes, I've had cravings and moments where I wanted to say forget it, I'm just gonna jump back inside the bottle. But, I have real converstaions with my kids again, and real conversations with my husband.  I am not always fighting with my husband or worrying that he's gonna leave me. I have noticed that I have these amazing, deep, warm, feelings about those I love. And wonder if perhaps while I was deep in drink,  did I forget how to love and now it's just waking back up? I don't know--maybe.
 
I was killing myself and doubt I would have made it another year.  I am so thankful for this site and everyone on here. I am so thankful for this chance. And am grateful for my 60 days. Life without alcohol is better---it just is.  Thanks for listening. :-) 
 

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