Hi Ashley,
Thanks for responding. The first thing I know about myself is that I have a fairly addictive personality. Typically what makes me able to NOT drink for an evening or two is basically getting SO fed up with myself, feeling horrible for the "nth day in a row. And....feeling like I'm gaining weight is a big kicker. I'm 62 years old, struggled through an INTENSE eating disorder through my 20s-30s. All those thoughts are still there regarding my body, but somehow I've been able to not give in to the behaviors any more. That took a LONG time.
I raised 5 kids, then got divorced and remarried, and added a step son. They are all 6 grown now, some with kids (my 6 grandkids), some no children yet. I tell people often that I never would have guessed being a parent to adult children would be MORE stressful than having 5 small children at my feet all those years. When they are going through some kind of pain, I go through it myself. And it's not that they have any huge issues. All are really doing well in their lives. It's just the normal family stuff that pops up here and there; infertility struggles, relationship struggles, difficult health issues with one of my grandchildren, just the normal things of life.
All that to say, I think the drinking is how I deal with all the STRESS. My husband and I both have successful small businesses, and work very hard. I have an aging widowed mother that lives half time with me, half with my sister. It's like that ALL swirls around in my head constantly, on top of what I know is an irrational fear of gaining weight. And at night, it's a relief to just turn off my brain for a while. And once that little buzz starts, I want to feed it.
I could make a pros and cons list regarding drinking. The PRO side to NOT drinking is MUCH longer than the pro side to drinking. Yet, at that moment in the day, when it's time to turn off, somehow all those pros have less effect on my decision. So, I kind of live in this vicious cycle. Drink and relax, stop thinking at night. Feel bad, angry at myself, in the mornings, excited about NOT doing it anymore to feel so much better. Evening comes, and it's all out the window.
Sorry, so long. But there you have it...
Thanks again.