Thanks for getting on board with us. This is a wonderful site and I think that both you and your partner will find it very interesting. As you probably know, the addiction is not simply about NOT doing something (smoking). It has a lot to do with doing other things, both physically and emotionally, that allow us to find the change we seek.
Here is a bit out of my journal that you may want to share with your partner. A great many of us here where "emotive" smokers. I used cigarettes as a walking stick to get me through life's inevitable briar patches. Once I committed to cessation, I had to find another away around those thorny bits as I no longer had the walking stick to support me. From your comments (I could be totally wrong), it appears that perhaps your partner used smoking in a similar manner. If so she may find this an interesting read...
When I smoked I smoked for a reason. Of course that reason or reasons where not always front and center in my consciousness. In fact they where living way down deep in the nether world of my being. However, no matter how deeply they resided in me, their influence supported my addiction as a foundation maintains the form of a house.
My Milage:My Quit Date:
Now when you come to that point in your quit when the urges are coming at you like a freight train, when you've got your quit groove down and the melody, harmony, cadence and form are all dancing as if they have been partners all their lives, just when you think you have the thing beat and your doing the Rockey Balboa waltz in the middle of the ring, here come those craves again.
It should not surprise us, but it does. Never forget that smoking is a learned behavior. And humans do not learn things for the fun of it, we are a very utilitarian lot after all. We learn things for a REASON. This addiction is no different. Old patterns of existence die hard and they do not go away simply because we wish them to depart. We must learn how to adapt a non-smoking behavior pattern to supplant the former learned smoking behavior.
It might be useful to think of a craving situation as a coin. On the top side of that coin is the dreaded feeling that "I must have a cigarette". If we have come any distance at all in the quit, we now know the situations and forces that lead us down the paths that endanger our quits. So it should be an easy matter to conjure up a vision of a coin to represent the situation. In the past every time we encountered this particular coin, we solved the crave by smoking a cigarette. There that was easy. I was upset by a situation, and all I had to do to get unupset, was to inhale a bunch of poison into my lungs, all the while risking lung cancer, possible heart failure and a host of other complications. Hmm doesn't sound like much a solution. It sounds more like an addiction to me. And that is just what it is. It has no logic, but it does have a reason that is motivating the hurtful and plainly illogical behavior.
So back to the coin. If instead of going for the smoking option, mentally flip that coin over and see the other side. I will bet you dollars to donuts, that underneath that coin you will find one of the base emotions pushing you on to commit slow suicide. It is not the situation that is causing you to smoke, it is not the person in your face that is causing you to smoke, it is not anything external to you wonderful self that is urging you on to smoke. It is the emotive mixture of our very selves that is urging us on. And this brings us back to one of the most basic tenents of this site. That is try not to become to tired, to hungry, to lonely, or to angry.
When these latent craves come calling try your best to flip the coin over and identify what reaction you are having to a certain situation. Try your best to identify the emotion that you are feeling in that particular moment in time and find a way to deal with it. For instance you may not be happy in your job, but you have to do it now for financial reasons. Ok, I can understand that, but that does not mean that you have to smoke to get through. Instead you can begin looking at creative ways to release yourself from the job by exploring other opportunities. You can come to terms with the fact that for the time being you must continue as you are. Sometimes we just have to accept what is and make the most of it. Do not except a permanent solution (death by cigarettes) to solve a transitory problem.
A crave is very much like a coin. On the face of it is the urge of all urges that will not let us be. But never forget that a coin has two sides and it is the flip side of the coin that tells the tale. In the end no one, no thing, no being has the power to make us smoke. We allow ourselves to smoke, in many cases because we do not know how to or do not wish to flip the coin over and deal with the other side.
Well that is both sides of it now. I know its not easy and I also know about episodic depressive states. I know about the darkness and the fear of returning to the darkness. But never forget that you have a light in you that you have the power to turn on. A cigarette cannot do that for you, it can only make the darkness appear to be tolerable. And that is just intolerable.
864Cigarettes Not Smoked: