Today I feel like I have been lying to myself and to you. So often in my life I have set myself up with personal challenges that I have a fair chance of accomplishing. Then I can look back and say, Yeah, I did it.
This is just another one of those challenges.
I liked smoking. Yes, I know it was bad for my health, and that I subjected those I love the most to second hand smoke, and that it cost so much money, and all of the negative things that are associated with the nasty habit. Not every cigarette was a pleasure, but I can remember the last week as a smoker, and appreciating each and every one...savoring the taste, the smell,...I'm sure you know what I am talking about. Besides, it was something to do. I met many other nice social outcasts as we stood in the rain, the snow, the heat, always hiding in the shadows surrounded by our own blue cloud. We had something in common, scoffing at the looks from the non-smokers who scowled at us as if we were derelicts and something akin to pond scum. Smokers are also intelligent, upstanding people with a habit. Some people bite their nails, chew their pencils, or twist their hair. Smokers smoke, just like the drinkers drink.
You see, I don't know myself as a non-smoker. I was a teen when I started 40+ years ago. I have always been a "smoker". That at least defined me. Without that, who am I, really? I quit before, sort of, for 9 months. I would bum a smoke occasionally, and as we all know, one leads to more until I was smoking more than ever before.
I have taken up my challenge again. But what if I don't like "me" as a non-smoker? My other half says he hopes the "real" me comes home soon. That's scary.
I am afraid that once I know I have proved to myself that I can be a non-smoker that I may start again. That's why you all are so important, now, early in my quit, but more so later, when I have been successful to help me stay quit. I hope when I experience the "freedom" that so many talk about that I won't want to smoke again. EVER!!! I am a smart lady, and I don't think that after going through all of this just to prove something to myself and a few others that I would be so selfish (yes, smokers are a selfish bunch)to start back up. Right now I like being a non-smoker!
If my