I am so glad to find this free site designed to help people
suffering from depression. I am a 57 year old woman who has suffered
from Bipolar Illness (Manic Depression) since I was 19, almost 38 years.
I was prescribed Lithium ( a "chemical lobotomy") for the first 4
years, but stopped after nearly overdosing due to a dosing error, and
poor availability of blood tests. After that, I used the latest anti
depressants which never cured the depressions, merely numbed me and made
me fat. I have short, intermittent fits of hypo mania between long
bouts of depression. The depressions seem to be cyclical, linked to the
absence of sunshine. I also have very long and severe depressions at the
end of relationships. I am a divorced woman who still hopes to find a
suitable mate to enjoy the rest of my life with. When each unsuccessful
relationship ends, I plunge into a terrible depression that feels almost
like I'm dying. Over a year ago I broke up with a man I loved very
much, but he was an alcoholic, and the relationship was troubled, and at
times he was verbally abusive, disrespectful, angry, explosive, blaming
and belligerent. I broke up with him many times in the 3 years we
were together, because I didn't know how to deal with alcoholism, I
still don't.I tried to go back to him, but he has been dumped by me once
too often and although I know he loved me very much, he is
new and does not want to come back. Our relationship needed too much
work, and although I would do anything to try again, I think it is just
to end this terrible loneliness and isolation and depression. Since I
broke up with him, I lost my apatite, could not eat, and lost over 30
lbs.. I went from 142 lbs down to 108 in 8 months. I think about him
obsessively, ruminate over what I could have done differently, and worry
that I will live the rest of my life alone, lonely and unloved. In many
ways, I realize that he was not a good match for me for many reasons.
Still, I find it terrible to get over the loss of a relationship. This
is a real pattern.
I have two grown children, but my daughter (age 31) is estranged
because of old grudges she harbours from my divorce from her father, and
this sewed the seeds of resentment and discontent and she has always
blamed and criticized everything I have done. She did not invite me to
her graduation, or her wedding. I have only seen my only grandchild (her
son) 3 times.She has caused me untold pain, and although I love her and
my grandson very much, I know they will never be of any comfort to me
as I age. My son (age 29) is also bipolar, and like many bipolars,
struggles with drug addiction. He is loving and was always close to me,
but I have had to distance him when his drug addiction became so severe
that he was stealing from me. I still hope he will turn his life around,
and I worry about him, and love him very much. I was a good Mother,
never abused substances, worked hard, provided a nice home, and sat down
every night with my children for a home cooked meal. I had old
fashioned family values, and did my best for my kids. I really don't
deserve the treatment I get from my daughter. After all the years of
sacrifice and devotion to my children, to have things work out this way,
I feel that if I judge by results, I have utterly failed. I worked at
humble jobs all my life, so that I could always be home when my kids got
in from school, and have dinner on the table. I wanted to be a
homemaker and Mother first and foremost, and I was. Now, I feel I have
wasted my life. This depression has gone on for more than a year, and
maybe because of my age, I can't seem to see a reason to go forward. I
am having trouble finding a reason to live. I have no sense of purpose
any more. I have trouble getting out of bed, and if I don't have to, I
don't. I live very frugally working as a house cleaner. People tell me I
look young for
