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been there, done that, still wailing

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been there, done that, still wailing

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

I am putting a lot of hope into this website. Everything else seems to have hit a dead end. I do think my cycle is odd, and I have mentioned it to doctors before but now I am on a waiting list to see the doctor again so can't mention it again until I can actually get an appointment (I am in rural Canada so seeing a doctor is a long wait...unless I go to emergency and hang out there for a day or so but considering my past experience....no thanks) .

Don't think there is anything I am doing that helps me on a day to day basis. I am trying to eat right....organic foods, almost no meat nor dairy, no artificial flavours, colours or white sugar. I try to exercise at least an hour 5 days a week. I have cut back on my schedule to only the bare minimum so I am not having to race around any more than necessary. I try to fit in some reading to fill my mind with other thoughts other than my own life. I started watching TV again. I watch 2 TV shows on Monday nights...my TV night. I have been doing all that for awhile, but have not noticed any improvement in myself. Maybe all that is what keeps me alive. Maybe I would be insane if I didn't do that. In that case, I guess it is helping....LOL.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

Hi Brightsunnyday,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so frustrated! Please use our program, at least for a while- it's free, easy to use, easy to access, and you have a built in support system. Then maybe when you have more energy and positivity, you can try to access other services. Is there anything that you are doing that helps on a day to day basis? I agre with Ashley that you should see your family doctor- 22 days cycles with PMS will not be helping your situation.

Breathe. Look for some positives, continue the readings and exercises in the program.

I know you can do this!! Keep us posted.

Tiana, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Yes, I have tried many doctors in the past but they have never been of any help, in fact, they have only ever made things worse. I did get access to a student psychiatrist this year, but she REALLY made things worse. And when her school term ended, so do our visits. I am currently on a waiting list to see other doctors (I am in rural Canada...so I could be waiting years) but I don't expect much from them.

I did try to access community services and I received domestic help for 4 months when my baby was 1-5 months old. However, 4 months is the maximum allowed. I did get access to a psychologist that offered marriage counselling but after one visit with my husband and I he refused to see us again. He felt my husband was firm in his beliefs and therefore if both parties are not willing to make changes, then marriage counselling is pointless.

I have not found any other services that we are eligible for. There may be pay per use services, but as we have not drawn any salaries since June, we have no money left to be paying for anything, especially not any "extras".

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11215

Hi BrightSunnyday,

I can hear that this is a very frustrating situation to be in. It sounds like you feel like you are trying everything you can but can't seem to make head way. In regards to you concerns and patterns about your menstrual cycle I encourage you to talk to a doctor and possibly ask for referral to a specialist. I know you have gone to doctors and they have not provided much relief in the past but they are there to help and not all doctors are the same in how they treat certain issues. I wish I could offer advice to you on this but since I am not a doctor I cannot really comment.

I also encourage you try to seek help from community services. You are working hard as a mom and having little social support makes it that much harder. It is completely understandable if at times you feel overwhelmed trying to manage the family, work and what you are going through with Depression. There is nothing wrong with asking for help sometimes and that is what community services and social workers are there to do. Remember if you have tried things in the past that did not work for you tell them, be open about how you feel. They will help you with finding resources that you need and that are right for you.

In the mean time keep working on the program and posting. I have said it before and I will say it again, you are not alone in this.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

In my life tracking I also noticed that I never get really depressed when I am pregnant! I am never full of joy, especially since I get so sick (hyperemesis, back pain, dizziness, anemia etc.) but I don't get the crying, screaming fits. They start back after the birth, about the same time as my period. I am the ONLY mother I know that gets a period right after birth even when breast feeding. My friends go for a year or two without a cycle. But I never miss a month. In fact, I get a cycle every 14-22 days! I always seem to be PMSing or bleeding! Argh!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

I haven't used this online mood tracker yet but I have tracked my life before (wrote down what I ate, how I felt, what my poop was like...lol) and found some patterns. The worst depression always precedes what I call "the black stain". A few days before my menstrual cycle some light bleeding will occur. This light bleeding signals relief. The depression will improve greatly just before my time of month but come back slightly as soon as the cramping and heavy bleeding starts. I also found that when I took birth control pills I went completely insane. The stronger the pill, the more insane I went. And I found that consuming white sugars and stimulants also increases depression. Funny thing is, when I start feeling down, I crave sugar, starch and stimulants! Stress seems to also increase my depression. One of the worst triggers is criticism. Yelling at me for doing something wrong is a great way to start my downward spiral. Especially if it was something I had no control over. I also found that taking time off to "relax" doesn't help me much. It makes me antsy and gives me more time to think negative thoughts. But I do read...not thinking about my own life when I am reading...when I am not too depressed to concentrate on reading. If I am too depressed to concentrate, I find watching a movie is easy enough. But I can't watch horror. I feel the movies. So I choose comedy in order to lift my spirits. False reality...thinking of the worlds of books and movies...but at least it gives me a break from the reality of my negative mind.

Yes, I do have older children and they help me a lot. But it affects them negatively to always have to "save" mom. My last breakdown (when I could not stop crying and screaming for days) my 2nd son had to take care of the younger kids and cook their food, and couldn't do anything for himself. Within days, he was feeling sick too. He couldn't concentrate, couldn't do his school, and was irritable.

I don't have a lot of friends and no family out here (not that family would help...we don't have much of a relationship...), but in desperation I did call someone to come and help when things were the worst. I don't want to dump everything on my kids. But she was not home and therefore could not help when I needed it most.

I am following this program in the hopes that something works. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 15

Hi Jason

I see that you agree with me that Brightsunnyday needs more "me" time. Hopefully she will heed your advise and start using the on-line mood tracker.

Now, Brightsunnyday, I wonder if some of the other children are old enough to help out, i.e. with meals or making lunches as well. Let them help and don't be like me and be too fussy about how they are helping. It's the thought that counts and it may make them feel that by helping mommy she won't be as sad. What else do you have to do in the morning? Is it important? Is it morally or physically harmful to you and your family if it does not get done? Also do you have any girlfriends that you can talk to?

Good luck, friend.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Hi brightsunnyday,

It sounds like you have a very busy and productive schedule. This is good. I think, however, that you may not be allowing yourself to get a little "you" time. I know it may be hard to fit in, but it doesn't have to a huge time commitment (maybe 15-30 minutes). Maybe you could put the kids to bed 15 minutes earlier or take an extra moment before bed to give yourself time to do one of the great activities you enjoy.

I think it also may be helpful to start to use the online program's mood tracker. This might help you discover some trends that may be not the evident right now.

You are on the right track. Please come here and post if you need some guidance or simply need to vent.

Jason, Bilingual Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Thanks for your reply. I have talked to doctors in the past, but currently do not have access to one (well, have one, but have been waiting years for an appointment). However, I am in no urgent need to speak to another doctor. They just make it worse. We have tried psychiatrists, pyschologists, social workers, a bunch of drugs and last time I spoke to the doctor I refused to take any more drugs so she refused to offer any other solutions unless I was on drug therapy. So...I am on my own to find answers and I found this website.

Yes, I am exhausted. I have said "no" to sooooo many things. I used to work 60 hours a week, homeschooled my kids, was home alone with my 4 acres, growing our own food, by hand, volunteered as an English teacher etc., had a gym membership, aerobics class, took kids to music, soccer, dance...But we dropped so many things. I only have one job now, and usually only work about 15 hours a week (but up to 30 hours a week). I don't volunteer for anything, the kids dropped out of most activties (except the odd free ones), I don't socialize much anymore and can't see much more I can cut out. One of my children is an infant so I usually read or watch TV when he is nursing. When the kids go to bed, I go to bed. However, I am usually the first up. I prepare for the day and get work done before they get up. I would love to have a quiet time but I have exhausted my babysitting budget (way way exhausted) trying to make it easier for myself to get things done. I certainly have no where to send them for a couple of days unless I drove to another province (which not sure my vehicle could last that far ). I don't get much alone time and would like more, but it is not really an option.

Probably my busy schedule is not really a cause of my depression, but more of a symptom. All my life I have been hyper-busy. Even before I had kids I was always overloaded. I went to university full time, while working full time, volunteered at things, always had more than one job, joined clubs or classes etc. I think that keeping busy keeps me from thinking too much . Thinking makes me sad.

I keep trying to think back to where it all began. What caused this? But I can remember being sad and anti-social as young as preschool. Maybe I was just born messed up. Maybe I can never get better. I dunno why this is happening. Everything seems right....great life, got all my needs, got a bunch of wants, but can't appreciate anything....If I did everything right, shouldn't I feel good?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 15

Hello Brightsunnyday,

I don't think I could keep up to you at all! You must be exhausted! Isn't there something that you could say "No" to so you can take a breather? I see that you still can read and watch movies, but do you have to wait until late at night to enjoy them when the kids are asleep and then not getting quite enough of the sleep you require? I myself require alot of "quiet" time with no one around.

To me what you need is time to be at home without doing a thing. Give yourself a holiday from everything. Let someoe else look after the kids and/or take them for a couple of days and just let yourself veg. Do whatever you feel like--having a bath with no interruptions, having a nap in the afternoon while taking in a couple of soap operas or talk shows like "Dr Oz"; do something strictly for you and don't do any work!! It is really okay to not do anything for anyone else but you.

I wish you the best.

Not so Sad-Sally.

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been there, done that, still wailing