...yet again.
It seems to be a recurring theme. Marriage trouble with depression. I keep wondering if the depression leads to marriage issues or if it is the reverse. I think in my case it is a bit both. My anxiety and depression does not help my marriage and my marriage does not help my depression or anxiety issues!
I have come to the conclusion that my husband is not only chronically depressed but that he is also a video game addict. Now all this combined makes this whole marriage thing really tough. And I am not saying all our problems are his fault or that he is bad and I am perfect. Far from it! We both have our good points and our faults in all this. But it is tough to live with, the same way my depression and anxiety is tough to live with for him.
I guess what frustrates me most is that he seems to consider it normal and in the right order of things for me to seek help. He expects that when I do not feel good I will call in the cavalray and get help and go see the doctor and the shrink and the therapist and call my firends etc. You know, help seeking behavior. He expects that I will try to take better care of myself and use my ressources like here to feel better. He accepts my illness knowing that I will fight to get better! But he won/t do this for himself!!! He seems to think there is nothing wrong with him except that the whole worls is out to get him (me included) and that everything in his life (including me sometimes) is worthless and goes wrong. But there is nothing wrong with him. Once in a blue moon he admits he might be depressed but won/t do anything about it. If I tell him he should do something for himself about it he says he isn<t depressed... Going to a therapist is for me not for him... He chooses junk over healthy food, he chooses to sit and play video games instead of moving, he chooses to speak to no one and he chooses video games over everything, even proper sleep. As you can see I am having control issues and anger issues over this. Help!
I am sad as I see no end to this. I obviously find it is ok for him to not be well. That is not where my issues lie. I could accept he needs time if he did something about it. But he doesn't! So how long do I stay here waiting for him to get better when he doesn't seem to want to try? I try so hard at improving myself and our marriage. How long do I stay and wait to see if he will get help?
I feel guilty and like a horrible person feeling like this. I should understand. I should know how it feels for him. I should have more empathy. But his lack of seeking help and trying to get better is bumming me out and after all this time I do not know how much longer I can just watch him and wait. I feel guilty though for feeling like this. I feel like a real monster. Oh and I know I am a control freak...am working on it.
Today is his birthday. I have nothingplanned for him. I feel guilty but that is how he wants it. He says anytime I plan something for his birthday it goes bad. Then again he finds anytime anyone plans anything for his birthday it goes bad so at least it is nothing personnal. I wanted to know what he wanted for a gift since he is picky. He did not know. I do not have a gift for him. I have tried to get him coolgifts in the past without asking him but I failed miserably. I can't seem to buy him a gift he likes. So I just ask now. And if he has no answer well I get stuck like today with no gift and a guilty conscience. Sad that I gave up so easily and shameful.
Sad part too is that I now find his birthdays painful. I know he will most likely want for me to just get out of his way so he can order whatever junk food or soul food he wants for his birthday. He will most likely want for me to be as small and invisibl
