m, You are most welcome! I am here to listen and learn, and support as well as get support. It helps to know you aren't alone, even when you feel so broken and unlovable and not good enough. I think that is the underlying theme of my life, that I've never been good enough. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to prove to myself that I am good enough. I spent 10 years in night school while working full-time and I thought that when I finally go my designation that I would feel good enough. Nope, then I felt like I should know more than I do, or be in a higher position than I am because I've got the paper. I take every criticism at work or even what I'm sure is meant as constructive advice to mean that I'm doing things wrong, and that I'm just not good enough. I've been with the same company for 17 years, and we are all like family, get along for the most part and they are really an awesome company. I work my butt off for them, I do my best go in early, stay late, work from home at night when necessary, but I still don't feel good enough. This past week I "should" have gotten the financial statements out, but both myself and my assistant kept being pulled away from it with other things we had to deal with, and so we couldn't get them finished. I know I'll get them out tomorrow first thing, but I still feel like that is a failure, a little black mark against me. I told the CFO before I left that we wouldn't get them out Friday, and she didn't seem angry, but I could tell she wasn't pleased. I can't help but feel like I let her down. I know that this is a perfectionistic way of thinking. Like I don't expect other people to be perfect, and I know I'm not perfect, but I still want to be.....and because I can't be perfect, I beat myself up.
I am going to go in there tomorrow and finish up the statement, and tackle the rest of the day as best I can. I hope you have a good Monday
I hear what you are saying, and I've been told by my Mom, and my Boss that I'm my worst enemy as well. I know the tendency to beat yourself up, over what you should have done, or how you should feel. If I treated others the way I treat myself, I wouldn't have anyone at all in my life, or a job. It's the negative self talk that needs to be challenged.
You deserve to be treated with respect, with love, and with kindness. It's hard to ask for what you need, even of yourself, but it really is true.
I hope you feel better soon, as I hope I feel better soon.
Other than that... I'm beginning to see how much I need to let go of the compulsion to beat myself numb with evidence of all my failure. I've always thought how terrible it would be if I were to truly "Love thy neighbor, as thyself." I'd be jailed for assault and battery, invasion of privacy, stalking, hate crimes...
Why is that ok? Why does it feel so right? Sometimes it's like an itch that needs to be scratched. I feel like I can't control it.
But that's not really true... is it? It's not ok. It's not right. I can learn ways to help myself not be so mean.
Sorry for the meandering thoughts...
I guess what I need to get rid of is the feeling that I have a right to treat myself so badly. "I am my own worst enemy" rings true... although not as true as the reality that I am likely my only enemy.