I hate MDD.
I loathe the fact that I have it and that it effects my communications skills.
I feel trapped and confined to a life of limitations and impossibilites becasue I cant seem to tolerate social settings.
I work a fulltime job, and I am a fulltime student,
I can only begin to tell you the impact this disorder has on my day to day life.
I am so frustrated because next week I have to give a presentation in one of my classes and everyone can clearly see that I have trouble being comfortable in my own skin.
I have problems communicating, because I am usually in a very LOW MOOD which prevents me from being able to let my hair down fully, and go with the natural flow of things in life.
I isolate myself as much as possible, and refuse to take calls from associates, or chat for extended periods with colleagues, although most wouldne want to chat with me anyway since they all think I'm a freakshow quackadoo.
It doesnt seem to help matters that I am an openly gay man in my late 20's with mild to wild flamboyant tendencies.
Most of all I hate the low mood that comes with this disorder. Sometimes, maybe twice a day or more, I find myself feeling so much guilt and pain -- in fact this happened just yesterday; listen at how crazy and completely abnormal this is:
I went to the gas station to fill up the tank.
I get out and go pay.
I walk back out to the car and all of a sudden I get this overwhelming feeling; a mood, a very low mood comes over me.
I felt like I had just murdered someone, or robbed a bank, or did something that was really really bad.
I felt like I was in so much trouble.
Someone was definitely looking for me to bring me to justice.
I felt intense shame and remorse for what I had done,
only problem is -- I hadnt done anything!!!
There was no murder that I committed,
There was no bank that I robbed.
There was nothing - nothing, zilch, zip - I hadnt done anything wrong, but I felt - or the mood that I was in suggested that I had.
Usually when I fall into these moods, it is extrememly difficult for me to concentrate, or speak intelligently. My mind goes blank, I struggle remembering things, all I can think about is how bad I feel, all I can focus on is the overwhelming feeling of shame that seems to sit on my chest. I actually can feel pressure on my chest when this occurs, it's as if I can take a spatula and scrape the pressure off of my chest I feel it so intensely.
In 2008, the doctors at the VA (I am a service connnected disabled veteran) put me on disability and cautioned me not to try and work or go to school since they believe the chance of me succeeding in these tasks are slim to none. Did I listen, - no way Jose, here I am in 2009 -- a fulltime employee, and a fulltime student. And I dont have just any gig; I work as a government Contractor as a Contract Closeout Specialist - responsible for closing out government procurements totalling millions of dollars. And ofcourse I dont just take one or two courses on the side, I am a fulltime student with four classes, in school every night of the week except Fridays. I tell myself that in order to fight with the low moods I must stay busy. If I am busy then although I feel like crap, theres always something to do, something positive to direct my energies toward, if not, then I will end up laying in the bed all day long watching CNN and eating Golden Grahams until I become a invalid.
What also ticks me off about this whole MDD thing, is that it's a very public battle for me. One of my Professors just this week alluded to the fact that she could tell something was wrong with me just by looking in my eyes. I cant seem to hold eye contact for some
