Hi. ~m
Now that is a good vent.
The problem here is more than one thing. It entails things you might not have thought of. I won't go into detail about how this is normal, all be it a pain in the butt. It is about belief. Now you know I have been through this so it is all personal experience. Not believing you can do it but that you can do it consistently.
It is about routine. You don't have this as a normal automatic routine.
It is about you. Did you do the shopping for you or some one else? (Easter) It is a lot easier to shop for some one else than for yourself, you are so used to disappointing yourself what does it matter if you do it one more time. It is easy to add in a few things for yourself while you are there and since it is going well.
I love to shop, I hate having to. I also find it difficult to now because my ankles give out. It also is not routine. So I have had to add it to my routine to make it acceptable. Even though it is random I still made it part of my routine. So now every so many days I shop. (not specific) It is now routine like eating.
I truly believe that with the help of coping skills can now do this routine thing consistently. There may be a little anxiety to deal with but I know I can and that it will pass. I really believe this. And I can. Tomorrow I have to go to town and get a routine blood test and a dressing change for my Picc line. (which I would like removed) I don't want to but I will. I will likely fit in some shopping too by telling myself that by doing it I won't have to again for a while.
So the question here is not whether or not you can do this exposure, you have proved you can. It is why are you freaking out about something that was good.
Simple the negative thought that you can't is not buried far enough. It needs more exposures to do that but they don't have to be physical they can be thought. You can pick out all the good points of that exposure and play them over and over.
Or you can make up some (subconscious or not) what ifs and negative thoughts. Which you seem to be doing since you said the exposure was good.
One other thing, it is real easy to be negative when I am tired. Far to easy actually. I may have won the war but I still have to protect the border. It just isn't as much work as it used to be.
So you need to convince yourself that since you did it once you can do it consistently. You have to accept that it may not always go that good. This is normal and tomorrow is another chance to make it good. But most of all you have to believe that you can do it and that you obviously have the skills too. And you have to be willing to put up with the pain when it all goes for s..t.
Oh and you have to take my word for it that it does get better, it really does. The world for you and me will never be perfect but it certainly is acceptable.
Davit.
