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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Sunny,

I just got home from the Dr and was reading your post. I am sorry I was not able to respond to you sooner. I know you are disappointed because you were not able to pick apples with the grandkids and I can see why you would be. This would be a big disappointment. I also see how you bounced back and made the best out of the situation and are back on track and determined to how a good time in spite of your limitations. You are a strong woman and a true inspiration to us all here on the site. I feel privileged to have you as a friend. I am so glad you are here on the site and in the group with us all..... I am also very happy you are feeling a little better and are able to enjoy making jam with the grandkids... You are really blessed to have such a caring and loving family....... Also I wanted to tell you I am enjoying your sculpture. Thanks for putting it up.

Your Friend,

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Davit: thank you for answering so quickly. It makes me feel as though you are really listening. I know you say you do, I am just glad today you are here for me. I guess it's my turn for help. thanks.

The kids are coming tomorrow. I had a nap - couldn't sleep, but at least had a lie down - then about an hour later, picked some crabapples so I can boil them up tonight and have them drip overnight. This way it's a comprimise! Even though they couldn't help me pick them - which can be lots of fun with apples falling on your head and the dog catching them, tomorrow when they come they can still help me with the jars and the second part of the operation and maybe even bring a couple of jars home. So, I am happy with that, it is enough.

I find that different the way you think something will go bad and then when it actually goes well, you feel a let down? I get it, I just haven't experienced it that way. I had it all in my mind how I wanted it to play out with the kids and the apple picking, etc. and felt disappointed and so let down that this BP got in the way again. Gotta be more flexible.

I feel better already, but still tired from last night's episode. Hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day, right? :)

Thanks again friend, Sunny who was a bit cloudy today - okay that was silly, but what the heck, trying to lighten up here.

Unfortunately, my pressure goes to 235/110 and I really can't do much at that point, I have to lie down because I'll fall down. I'm sort of just lying there waiting for it to go down - do relaxation ex., breathing ex. and all that. It does go down, but I'm drained afterwards. I haven't had spikes like this for years. They started after the surgery last summer and all the stuff I went through this yr. That's why the doc says the SSRI might help in keeping me less anxious and therefore, less spiking. I sure hope so. I've been on SSRI a month now, full strength two wks. however, that can be tweaked if need be after six wks.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

sunny

My very dear friend, I am so sorry you can not have the kids to make jelly. I get this from my friends, who do not understand that I would rather have the company than rest.

Sunny, mentally you are doing great considering all the physical stuff you have been through.

One thing you might be doing and I mention this because I do it and it annoys me know end.

I get a big let down, like depression when things go well that I expected not too. It makes no sense other than it is a control thing. I was expecting it to go bad and that I would have to fix or control it and it has been taken out of my hands and now I'm pissed. Totally stupid I know but this is conditioning, a core belief. It passes as just a bad day and tomorrow is fine. Usually anyway and if not then I have to kick myself in the butt. Remember what I said about emotions. Have them, don't suppress them.

BP. I wish doctors would not harp on this. Prolonged high blood pressure is dangerous but the odd spike is no worse than what happens when you exercise. Mine goes very high when I climb stairs or go to the garden. This is pretty normal for a guy pushing 60. And sad to say I never have it down at 120/80. I'm not 30 anymore. I have just enough of a murmur that at that pressure I'm dizzy. So let it get up a bit once in a while. I also have to take it three times because the first too are anxiety related and high. The body you have is the one you have, nothing you can do about it. You have to do the best you can and accept it. You got this far no reason you can't keep going. So write off today, get some rest and see if you can find why you feel this way, chances are it is a pretty silly reason. But then the things we panic over usually are.

One last thing, is it just that you have not adjusted to the SSRI? You know the temporary use of some vallium to keep the BP down and let this pass might not hurt.

Here for you always,

Your friend always,

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Everyone, I have taken the shadows out of sunny's snake to share with you, It is beautiful and I will go back to my own tomorrow. I have a program to do this as I am not really as good at photography as I uses to be. I can even remove spots. A real God send for people like me.

Enjoy.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Hi Sunny123,

Sorry to hear you are having one of those off days. I think journalling is a great idea.

If you can, try to take a look at the box breathing exercise in session 10; it may help with staying calm it those tough times/

Come back here and post often, if you can, and let us know how it's going.

Jason, Bilingual Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Oh Sunny, just read your post and wish I had something to say that would make you feel better...maybe you need just to have a rest day? A good cry? Do like Davit says and treat it like as if you had a 24 hr bug....everyone gets down...please post later when you are up to it. Remember...we are here for you!

Davit, What a remarkable attitude...what a choice you have to make...good luck with it.

Cleo (who has to figure out how the fancy writing got here until the end! Am I ever going to be computer savvy? )

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Davit: Those are nice looking pickles - what a nice clear pic too.
I'm afraid my pic is fuzzy and the angle not exactly what I wanted though I tried to get it right, I guess I'm just not a photographer. lol. The snake looks like it's hugging something, but it is itself. If you could see the whole sculpture you could follow the body and how it curves back and forth. After I visited the Mayan temples especially the great Quetzacoatl snake one, I just had to do one too. Actually after my Mexican adventure I sculpted a few clay models of Mayan types but they have all been sold or given as gift. I only kept the snake as it is my first sculpture in stone. I kept the first bust in stone and the first surrealistic one too. A bit sentimental but the kids lay claim to them and forbid me to sell them.

As for my catastrophic thoughts and how to stop them. I'm afraid I'm still struggling with it. I know the Socratic method of thinking, I try the questions, etc. I've been using my "STOP" out loud to myself but this one is pretty strong and it's tough. I'm not giving up, so am journaling my thoughts and feelings and trying to figure out where and when it pops up. So far, it is at bedtime and/or when I don't get any sleep like last night. I feel very exhausted today. (where does one go when one doesn't feel well? to lie down). Trying to remember things I am grateful for at the end of the day too. So wondering about that, but also the BP does bring on symptoms - they are a true health concern - not just panic symptoms. Trying to stay calm when all is not well in that dept. but not successful yet. Still frightening. Any ideas? I sure could use some.

And am sorry and disappointed that my grandchildren are only coming tomorrow as my son knows I am not feeling well and doesn't want me to overtire and is keeping them with him at friends. I really wanted to make that apple jelly with them, and other things, but .... I know, accept the things you cannot change and all that. I'm feeling down today, you can probably tell. Am I never going to be well?

Now after asking that question, I see where you have a wonderful outlook on your future with or without antibiotics. I'm inspired by your positive outlook and want to try. I feel I have been trying that for sooooo long. Maybe I'm just really tired today and can't see straight. Sorry. I'm starting to cry now, so will say bye for now. I'm so tired of all this. I'm going to send this without reading it over. hope it's understandable. thanks for listening.

Your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sunny

I can see the snake but when I first looked I too saw a mother hugging a child. Could that thought have something to do with this site. Could it be just that here is one of the places I can shed my worries and feel safe. Any way it is a very nice snake and not threatening at all.

I truly believe that situations in our life build or modify our core beliefs and that they do not all go back to childhood. But I think the core beliefs that do, influence the ones we build in later life. Mine seem to anyway so I am working on the oldest ones so they won't influence the ones I'm building now.

I have been given the unpleasant news that I will likely have to take a low dose of one or another antibiotic for ever and if I can not do this oral then I will have to have a permanent pick line put in. Sounds like a lot of nuisance doesn't it. I should be upset as that is how I would have felt in the past, but I am thinking that if it gives me a better quality of life then I want it. All just a matter of how I look at it really. All of life is really just a matter of how I look at it. No more poor me, more lucky me that there is something that can be done even if it is not what I would have liked. ( for those that don't understand, I have staph infection hiding in my body some where, possibly in the artificial knees. The options are low dose antibiotics for a long time or have them removed cleaned and put back in with no guaranty that the staph won't go back in with them.) I will put up with a bit of pain.

I would love to know how you are dealing with the catastrophic automatic thoughts.

Your friend

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

so nice to see you! thanks for your understanding. I didn't feel like that always, it seemsto have started because of all I've been through this past couple of yrs. I can just about see where it started and I know I need to work on those catastrophic automatic thoughts I've been having lately.

Never thought about the hugging a child pose - yes, I can see that too. It is rather zoomorphic.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Sunny,

Yes, try and think positive thoughts. I know what you are saying. My father died at 56 with either a heart attack or stroke..there was no autopsy because he had clogged arteries and very high blood pressure. So this leads to one of my negative core beliefs..I was always told I look like him, so I always believed that I will die young too.In my 30's I had pretty much convinced myself that I would be sick and have a stroke by the time I was forty. So the more I thought that , the worse I treated myself. I thought it was my fate. My mother's negativity added alot to it. I ate way too much,gained a lot of weight, stopped seeing doctors, and waited for death basically. I know that sounds dramatic..but looking back I realy think thats what I felt. I guess it would have been diagnosed as depression. As the years went on I started thinking...hmm..maybe that's doesn't have to be my fate. He was an alcoholic, smoked like a chimney, ate like a pig and was born under an angry sign. The only things I had in common was the belief that I was supposed to be like him, and I may have hpertension..the juries still out on whether its purely aniety induced or not. On my mother's side they all live to be in their late 90's, so I am now looking at like this: I've got a 50/50 chance at a long life..(genetically) !And I take much better care of myself too!

Anyhow..all that ranting just to let you know I understand how you feel!

I love your sculpture...I know you said its a snake, but I see a mother hugging a child..beautiful!(I hope thats ok)

Cleo

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