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Loneliness & Finding Solace in Others


Red1
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7 years ago 0 Red1 2502 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
I would not presume to say how well another person has coped..It was very heartbreaking for me when I lost my husband and my whole family. I really didn't cope very well at all and my heart was broken..I would give anything to have been able to spend one more day with each of them..I miss them all and think about at least one of them every day..I dream about them most every night..and they are ill and I can not fix them..So I would not presume to say how anyone else is coping because I am not them and I have not walked in there shoes..Yes I have someone in my life now but it wasn't always this way..and I still do miss the people I have lost..I was not really alone until I lost them all.....
 
Red...
Davit
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7 years ago 0 Davit 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hugs. 

I can be alone quite easy, but I can also be with some one too. I just am used to being alone more. I like most people and like to talk to them but today there was not the time to go anywhere or see people although I was on the phone twice. I sure could have used a helper too but again, I can do this alone. This time it was not my choice like times past. Tomorrow I have to go to the hardware store. I'm sure I will find someone to talk to. But if I don't it is okay.

Davit.
hugs4U
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7 years ago 0 hugs4U 4027 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Maybe I different since both Davit and Red seem to cope so well alone. You both have someone in your life though.  But I found I need so little.  Today I went to a facscinating lecture and then worked out.  The little interaction was so nourishing and I need that.
 
I feel so fortunate to have been able to speak to the professor from the prestigious university of Stanford in US!  He was so personable and I just happened to speak to be able to ask him a question about how he learned a foreign language while in Europe.
 
 I'm just an ordinary person.  He's so gifted, and all I do is menial stuff, and pray to have the strength to care for my parent to give her the dignified life she deserves.
 
The little conversation with a member from the audience I knew, aside from the lecturer, was like the drop of water a thirsty traveller needs in the desert.  I really need so little! 
 
I just wish could remember that
Davit
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7 years ago 0 Davit 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Red.

Trauma sent me off to live by myself as an escape. It started as a necessity and became a pleasure. Just a fork in the road. I could have been like everyone else I guess. I never think of the hardships so I must have enjoyed it. Interesting thing is I had the anxiety that a wild animal would have but never a panic attack till I tried to fit into a foreign world. It has taken ten or more years to get where I am and I must say it has been an interesting journey. But that life still has a very strong hold on me. With the right attitude I think people can adjust to most everything. The exception is Dissociation because there is nothing there to work with. It is hidden.

Davit
Red1
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7 years ago 0 Red1 2502 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
I am not sure if another person can totally understand unless it was there experience..I don't think you are a freak and if you are a freak than so am I..
I have always been a loner and it has been very challenging for me to be with and especially live with another person 24/7..I grew up in a house where I was a non person..Thank God I had my grandparents to visit and be with from time to time..All of my family has died and I have no contact with any living relatives..I do see my son and his family once a year may be. I was married for 27 years to a veteran with ptsd..We lived a very reclusive life..He never did talk much and yes it was lonely at times..He later lost the ability to talk or do anything as he got sick with dementia and ptsd..I spent at least four years without hearing my name spoken. I did not watch tv because of all the war news..the only contact I had with other people was during doctors visits..We were alone in it and the world..It wasn't until he passed away that I realized how alone I was without him. I spend a year without any contact with others except for my grief groups. I met my partner while visiting my husbands grave site..He too was alone and visiting his mothers grave site..We talked and I took a chance and give him my phone #. I was very afraid but I was considering letting him in my world. He was also a loner and had been a mechanic for over 37 years. Working in his bay at work and garage at home. His phones were ringing now stop from people and family wanting him to fix all there stuff or problems. Me I found this all hard to take I had shut off my house phone for months and only my son and Dr's could reach me by cell phone. I didn't even watch the tv I just couldn't take all the news..I was totally alone and cut off from the outside world..It was very hard for me to let someone in my life not to mention letting someone in my house. We still talk about what it was like living alone and there were some things that were easier about it..and somethings that were harder..Over all we are happier together even though we miss the aloneness at times..we never want to be alone again...Could he do it again yes he says he can, but doesn't want too. Could I do it I am not sure because I know what it is like to be totally alone with no one and not even a real friend on the face of this Earth.
I know I am rambling here, please bare with me, because this is important for me to do..it help me think things out and understand myself.
No I do not want to go back to the way it was before or the way I was before ..I have grown so much over the last 7 years and am much happier now than I have ever been..I have to also say that CBT has also played a part in this too..This has all been a very good change for me..I never want to go back to who or what I was before...
 
Red...
 
 
Davit
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7 years ago 0 Davit 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
I'm not sure if people can understand the type of alone I'm talking about. 46 years ago I went to live in the bush in a tiny cabin. 42 years ago my mother died, she had moved out 6 years before. 32 years ago my dad died. I had a brother I saw once a year if I was lucky. I don't know where any of my cousins live, all my aunts and uncles are dead, so are my grandparents.  This is different than just being in another town. Some places I never even had a phone. This did not stop me from being social but it has made it difficult living with people that have never been alone, truly alone. How can they understand something they have not lived. What right do they have to judge. It is easier to be lonely while being ignored than while alone. It is easier to be lonely living with a critical person. With age a person does not want to be alone. It doesn't mean they won't miss the solitude. It doesn't mean they can't share it. 
Am I a freak. Maybe. Did I like it? Yes, would I do it over again? Yes I would. Unless I met the right person. That changes everything.

Davit.
Red1
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7 years ago 0 Red1 2502 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
I think it is very realistic to think about the changes involved in living with another person..Especially when you have lived alone for a very long time.There will be adjustments to make..To think other wise would be like putting blinders on. It is always good to think ahead when considering such a major change in ones life..I know a couple who have a relationship but do not live together and have been doing so for the last few years. They enjoy each others company and are happy with the arrangement. My partner and I do live together and have for 6 yrs now..There have been a lot of adjustments to make and compromises along the way as we have gotten to know each  other better. We are doing something much different than the couple I mentioned. Also a on line or pen pal relationship is not the same as living together.We have both thought about going back to the way we were before we meet many times. It has taken time to get used to each others habits and ways..It is definitely about Change..So we talk when something comes up and compromise and try to understand the others point of view..Over all we enjoy each others company and are happy together and we love and care deeply about each other. The one thing we have done is keep our own individuality and we make sure we give each other space.Plus we accept each other the way we are..The has been crucial to making it work for us....We would be miserable if we were not together..
 
Red...
Davit
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7 years ago 0 Davit 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
My last post had nothing to do with relationships or having a shoulder to lean on. It was about change. CBT is change. Either you change or you lose. Some people can't change . Thankfully there is medication for them.

I've proved I can change, I did what it took to be cured even though it was hard. Others have done the same. But there will always be those that can't. Give them all the support you can. They need it.

I'm rather sorry that someone got my meaning wrong. It can't be helped I guess we are all different and like I have said before our thoughts are based on previous thoughts and actions.
I was trying to keep the post short since I tend to babble.

Sorry for any misunderstanding.

Davit.
Josie-Health Educator
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Thanks for sharing!
 
As you can see it is always good to have support or a shoulder to lean on!

Josie, Health Educator
sunny123
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7 years ago 0 sunny123 1665 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Davit:  Maybe in a relationship it's not all about you, it's about giving the opportunity to your partner to help or not.  Maybe it's about sharing.  Everyone needs some alone time.  Nothing wrong with that.  Both should give each other space every now and then, and privacy. 
 
Sunny

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