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Would appreciate some points of view please

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Would appreciate some points of view please

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Dear all,

First of all, thank you so much for all your replies!! Believe it or not, they did give me a lot of food for thought, and I am definitely taking your positive comments on board.

Yesterday I did a little bit of research on the internet and I found several studies that support what you all said. I found one that says that 70% of the women who stay single until old age report that they are very satissfied with their lives, the keys to success seem to be purpose and a good social network. This gave me a lot of hope.

I also have been doing the exercise of actually going through the thinking of how would my life be if I stayed single. At first it was very difficult. But today I thought that perhaps is not as terrible as it sounds. I think I need to keep facing this fear. I have gone through the Challenging Thoughs section already but I may revisit as soon as I am done with the program and before I move on to the Auxiliary materials. I also think the Worry section might be helpful, for obvious reasons!

I hope that at the end of the day my fears are unfounded and time poves me wrong, but I think that the reason why I feel so worried and depressed about this is because I have not faced the fear, as Ashley helped me to discover (thanks again!! :) ) and because I don't have a plan B or an idea of what I will do, how will I cope, how will I support myself, etc. if that happens. Need to work on that, methinks.

Jaques, wonderful to hear that your wife is not the homey type too! Is very refreshing to hear this from a guy since as women we are very conditioned to believe that unless we are super homey/girly/womanly there might be something wrong with us!

Courage, you make a wonderful point regarding the connection. After reading your post I just had to reflect a little bit to realise that you are right, the most satisfying part of my friendships is that 'connection'! Is so fulfilling and I also remember that the brief moments when I have experienced what I identify as 'happiness' is when I have felt that connection to earth or 'everything' that you mention!! Thanks for reminding me of that :)

Tiana, I stole my name from the mindfulness meditation :) I started practising vipassana meditation last year, and there's a particular modality, perhaps you know it, which is called loving kidness meditation, and I like it a lot, especially the 'may they be well and happy... may you be well and happy... may I be well and happy..' etc part. Hence my name :)

So, may all of of us be well and happy :)

Thanks so much again for your posts. I will let you know how I'm doing!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

Hi Wellandhappy,

First of all, I think it's great that you chose the name you did for yourself! Positive thinking is the key, as much as we say that 'ad nauseum' in life. It's also great that you are working on your beliefs, doing the thought records, challenging your ideas. It might help you to know that there are millions of women who share a similar story to yours! You are not alone. In fact, you might find much happiness by having friendships with women who can relate to you, which will help your feelings of lonliness. Are you doing the program? Did the section Ashley suggested help? If you ever feel anxiety about these items, you might want to check out the Panic Centre, connected to the Depression Centre.

It's great that other members have shared their experiences with you/us too. That is a wonderful component of this program. I hope that gave you some good food for thought.

Let us know how you are doing.

Tiana, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 21

Hi Wellandhappy,

I have always believed that there is a difference between being alone, and being lonely, and that both are very normal and natural feelings to have at different times. Being alone I can do, lonely can be the tricky one. In recent years connection has become a very important word to me, but connection doesn't have to come in the form of an intimate relationship. In the past 10 years, I spent almost 7 single - sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance. Connection can be in friendships, community, work relationships, family, pets and animals. The depression can make it tough, to really feel fulfilled, but being with another won't fill that empty little space. Whether I am in a relationship or not, I strive to maintain a true connection to the planet in some small way. I have found that mentoring can really fuel that connection - I have someone in my life that is going through some personal issues, that looks to me for guidance and support sometimes, and that makes me feel very connected...sharing my own strengths with someone much younger that is facing issues that I faced earlier in my life. I am also slowly building my network and becoming more involved in my community (on a good day).

Take care,

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Hi wellandhappy,

Before I got married I was known as the eternal bachelor. I didn't have many girl friends and most relationships lasted less than 15 days... days? I'm kidding.. I mean hours. I know the feeling of being alone, however I was never really lonely. I had a much more active social life as a bachelor, than I have now as married man (15 years). Your description as not wanting to have children, not liking to cook and not being "homey" sounds just like my wife... so that shouldn't be the problem. There are more men around who are finicky eaters and would never allow a woman to touch their pots and pans ;-)

If I look at my own parents, I too see two people who are each other's main support. Unfortunately I also know a lot of elderly who have lost their partner. Of all the women over 75 less than 25% is living with a spouse and more than 40% is living alone. This percentage will most likely continue to grow over the next few years, so it seems that the norm for old aged women is living alone.

A lot of the fears you expressed are based on a perceived ideal family life. A family life that most people would dream about including the "happy" couples with their "adorable" children who steal money out of mum's wallet to buy pot. Reality bites them too...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11218

Your very welcome Wellandhappy! That's what we're here for!

It does sound like there are a lot of negative core beliefs in there. Some are more tricky then others as society can add pressure and you are completely right there is social pressure for women to be "womanly". However, just because there is social pressure doesn't mean that is should be the norm. But it does take a very healthy, confident and self assured individual to challenge this norm and not let it affect you. Take a look at the challenging negativity section for more information.

Keep posting your thoughts!

Members, please jump in!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Hi again Ashley,

Yes you are right, I get pretty scared from only thinking about it!! It does look like a very sad situation. There's a lot of things that scare me: being sick and having no help or company, no social support, no financial support, and just the loneliness in general I guess! Having to 'do' life on my own at an old age. Not having enough resources to take care of myself, to provide myself with health insurance, medicines, etc. I see my parents aging and how they are facing more and more health issues but at least they have each other and they take care of each other and keep each other company. This makes their lives more complete. The idea of having to do all that on my own scares me very much.

I think the information from the article you describe is very interesting. Actually I'd be interested in reading more, if there's a link available for public reading. I definitely can identify with this. It actually makes a lot of sense!!

Regarding me feeling 'uncapable' of being in a healthy relationship. I just feel sometimes that I don't have much to give in a relationship. I am not 'homey' nor have any of the qualities that men look for in a 'traditional' wife, don't like to cook, etc. I see my friends who are married and they have built a nice life with their partners and I just don't feel capable of doing that, I wouldn't know where to start. Hope this makes sense. I also don't want to have kids (although sometimes I wonder if this is just part my depression - me feeling that motherhood is exhausting and overwhelming and I would not have the energy or strenght to go through it, maybe I would make a terrible mother, maybe my kids would suffer because this world is not very nice anyway, etc. - I guess thats another whole topic on its own). So anyway, I feel that not wanting to be a mother kind of 'disqualifies' me for a relationship with a lot of men. I don't feel I am 'womanly' enough. I also don't feel I am much fun to be around, I can be a real annoyance when I am going through the depression - who would want to put up with that? I feel very flawed. I've been told I am quite attractive but I don't think so myself. I guess I just don't like myself much. Some days is better than others. Working on changing that and loving myself and showing care and respect to myself by taking care of my body and my mind etc.

I guess I need to challenge the way I feel about myself? How does one go about that??

Thanks again Ashley your replies have been wonderful and so helpful!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11218

Hmmm,

I did notice you didn't really answer the first question. This can tell me that REALLY thinking about what it would be like is scary. This is normal but what would happen if you REALLY considered what it would be like? For example, what is depressing about it? What about being alone is scary?

In regards to your added sections. I find it interesting because your thoughts about attracting only the "wrong guys" is very common. I want to share some information with you that I found quite interesting. I was reading an article on domestic violence and the article stated that the idea that women "attract" men who are bad for them is actually dated. What really is happening is that women who have been hurt in the past have more defences up then the average women. They are very selective about who they let into their lives and omit a sort of message that their guard is up. Now to most men who are healthy and respectful of women, when they read these "signs" out of respect they generally give the women their space. Now on the other hand, a man who is not respectful and possibly has abusive tendencies will not be threatened or deterred from these "signs" and will be persistent in trying to win the woman over and therefore the women is more likely to get into a relationship with someone more aggressive. Now, I am not sure what this all would mean to you but it is interesting to consider. Remember, there is nothing inherently wrong with you.

But now consider this, you mention you feel you may not be capable of having a healthy relationship. What would a capable person be like? If you were capable what would be different?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

aagg the post got cut off again sorry

here's the continuation of the thought record:

Thought record: 1^st Feb 2011 – 7.09 PM

Activity: watching a TV show displaying people in relationships

Beliefs: I compare myself to these couples even if they are fake, or any couples in real life, at the supermarket, restaurants, etc. I just feel miserable because I feel it will never happen for me, I will never be in a relationship again and I will grow old and lonely.

Consequences/feelings:

Sad - 90

Angry - 90

Hopeless - 100

Bitter - 80

Tired - 80

Fed up - 80

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Thanks Ashley for your kind reply :)

Here are my answers:

What if you really were alone for the rest of your life?

well that's pretty much how I feel now, I feel that being alone for the rest of my life is much more likely than being in a relationship. And of course, this thought depresses me a lot.

How would you find fullfilment in other ways?

Family, friends, work, perhaps a change of careers, pets. I would dedicate a lot of time to my personal and emotional healthy to try to be strong and centered.

What would you do differently?

I envision myself doing pretty much the same things (not sure if thats a good or bad thing). It feels kind of depressing to think about it.

How would you give your life meaning?

I have always wanted to help others, perhaps to overcome their own depression (if I ever manage to overcome mine of course!). Perhaps that's something I would look into.

Where would you find social support?

Friends. One thought that scares me is that if I do end up alone, is just going to be me... my parents will be gone, my brother and I are not close, and my friends will be doing their own thing. I don't know. Perhaps I could join clubs etc where I can meet new people and make more friends.

What would be bad about it?

i am just scared of being old and sick and having no one really.

What would be good about it?

Can't find anything good about it at this point.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

I just realised that my post got cut off, perhaps due to the lenght

here's second part:

However one thing I have not been able to change and is actually getting much worse, is my outlook about my future when it comes to relationships. I just feel that I am flawed, that I am screwed up and that is just not gonna happen for me. There's piles of evidence that I attract only the bad lot, and not one single positive dating experience that I could use as an exception, as evidence that after all I am not flawed and I am capable of being in a positive, healthy relationship.

I feel that since now I am heatlhy enough to recognise what is not good for me, and I know is best to be alone than in bad company, that 'protects' me from the bad guys. But at the same time, I don't feel I have what it takes to attract a nice person into my life. I realise these might be self esteem issues and core beliefs not purely related to depression, but it is related to my depression in the sense that this is the most insidious, recurrent and negative thought I have, and I can not find a way around it.

If it helps, here's the record thought regarding this issue:

Thought record: 1^st Feb 2011 – 7.09 PM

Activity: watching a TV show displaying people in relationships

Beliefs: I compare myself to these couples eve

Reading this thread:

Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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Would appreciate some points of view please