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Going Down Again

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

HI Sunny and M.

Thanks for youre replies. I am having somewhat of an axious episode right now, woke up with stomach churning pain just telling myself "its only anxiety only nerves" You asked M what keeps me going, you know I really dont know sometimes, sometimes I cannot believe I have survived this so long. I guess my hope is my family and to recover again and hoping one day I can find some joy peace and happiness in life, I dont think I need a rest from my family I need a rest from my thoughts and feelings and brain! does that make sense? if I could rid myself of these negative scary thoughts, and bodily symptoms I know I would at least improve, right now I am shaking and churning but trying to "float" through it, so much easier said than done I know, I guess I am mad at myself for letting my sister get to me so bad, I managed to push all those scary negative thoughts about my situation way back in my mind and she brought it all to a head again, I blame myself too for reacting as such, but I think noone wants to hear how bad their lives are, I always thought if its not helpful and its hurtful please dont say it!! I am scared enought right now and I couldn't bear to hear that, at least I won't have to hear it again, but damage done.

It was rough yesterday Sunny, and today its starting up again but I will try to get through it, I had a improvement for awhile and just keep telling myself "just a setback just a setback" and it will pass, but its hard, I hate that the attacks came back after almost 10 days, I am trying to get through it, for my family and myself. Thank you for praying for me I so appreciate it, I feel an attack coming now, I am going to take a klonopin and do a relaxation tape, I will write back later, I dont want to ramble. Thank you so much.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

HI Debora: Another day today. See, you made it through yesterday! You are still here, you are o.k. You were nervous yesterday, you felt ill, you felt all these symptoms, but you are still here. You made it! What did you do yesterday to keep yourself going? What did you do to comfort yourself? I think as -m says, you are stronger than you think.

I know it doesn't seem like it when you are going through the worse part of the anxiety and experiencing all those symptoms, yet, here we are with a brand new day. Let's think positive and enjoy everything we can.

I wish you could have some time to rest, without all the household/family worries. Sometimes one day at a time is the best approach. less overwhelming for now. We only have today anyway, yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here yet. Live one day at a time the best you can with joy and love for family and all the blessings.

Thinking of you and saying a prayer,

Sunny

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Oh Debora... I'm sorry. Your life really does sound so hopeless right now... and yet, you keep going... you keep caring for your family... I suspect you are stronger than you realize. It takes strength and courage to seek the help you need. I don't doubt that you will find your way through this, but am curious ... what is your hope? ... where does your hope and strength come from?... what is keeping you going in the face of such difficult circumstances?

Your condolences regarding our loss are much appreciated... thank you.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I don't know how old her son is but it would be nice if she could take him and get a rest. That really is what it is, is a rest. A chance to look at just you without all the other clutter.

I remember sitting at a table with three other people trading stuff and thinking is this what it is like to have a real home life. Probably better even. I was never thinking "I want to get out" I knew some time I would have to leave. What bothered me most was that I would probably never see those people again. Not so, I do have contacts from there. You can not tell us from normal people now.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

M, I am so very very sorry about you're son. losing a child I am so sorry.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

I understand what you and Davit mean but right now its impossible. My husband cannot take that much time off work, they are doing lay-offs and are just waiting for an excuse, we have a autistic-like son who needs care and supervision even through I am in a very bad way now I still manage to care for him, thanks be too God, in fact he is probably the only thing that keeps me going, last time I went away for the weekend he left the gate open and our dog bit a little girl and we almost got sued! If something happened to my son or my husband lost his job that would be awful, I would be under MORE stress at a hospital worrying about what is going on at home, went I went to ER one night my son did not even close the garage door at night, he needs constant supervision, believe me if I had any relative or friend that could help out I would go, but if my husband gets fired we lose our insurance and home and I cannot ask him that. There is a out-patient clinic near our home but I dont think they take insurance, I once asked my therapist about going to one of the two hospitals that help and he replied "believe me you do NOT want to go there" it must be pretty bad, he works there part-time and I guess he would know, its different here in florida, you have two choices the local psych ward where its very bad or a private hospital but thats way too expensive, I would love to do out patient work, I am going to call my Ins to see if I can, like go there 3or 4 times a week but be home at night for my son, if I can build the courage up to go out, I do not want to go to a hospital anyway and with my family situation its impossible right now, I guess the only thing worse than my conditon is my husband losing his job, and they fired people for much less there! Fl is a "right to work state" and there is no protection or unions, and with his health noone else will hire him.

I will try next week to get a new therapist and talk to my nurse about perhaps a new mild med, do the program, listen to my tapes and stay away from negative people, try to walk and eat healthy and most of all stop the scary thoughts, that is all I can do, I hate to go to Doctors much less hospitals and from what I hear they are not good, and you would think in the year of 2011 that would have changed, its mostly drug addicts, alcholics, and severe mental diseases my therapist said, he said "you would not do well in that place and since you are not a danger to yourself or others I doubt they would commit you" and if Ins does not pay we could never afford it, and they only keep you less than a week, I do not want to go there and get worse, I have lost a lot of faith in therapists and psych doctors anyhow, they can be callous and cold or unhelpful and unknowing.

I will just try harder on the program and take my klonopin, I wish I had outside help but I dont and it hospitals scare me to death. Do you think its possible for me to do the program and get better, I will start over since I had a setback its all I have at this time.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

I will second what Davit is saying about Canadian Hospitals... it's the same in the states. I can't tell from your login what country you are from. My last inpatient was 6 months after our son died four years ago... My first hospitalization was in 1990... it was also my longest and the very best. I was amazed at how many "regular" people were in there, with all kinds of issues. Just people. Fragile people... but most went home a lot stronger. Two things I especially like about inpatient treatment.... you get to focus on yourself and you are in a safe environment.

I have to admit, Debora, when I first started to read your posts, I kept thinking inpatient would be so ideal if you could just let yourself do it. It also gives your family a break from your anxieties and they benefit from the help the hospital provides to families concurrent with the inpatient treatment plan. As exhausting as it is to have these mental problems... it is sometimes even more exhausting for those who love us. You feel helpless? You can bet they do too. For yourself, and for your family, I hope you will reconsider this option... Like Davit, I would not hesitate to go back if I needed that kind of respite and help again.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Debora.

In Canada they do not treat you bad in the psychiatric hospital. It is nothing like it is portrayed on TV. Yes they do have a lock down room with no furniture. But it is for those dangerous to themselves and others. You would not be put in it. I've spent three weeks on the psych ward. You would not be able to tell it from an old folks home except you are supposed to do more for yourself. Here you share a room with another person. There are no locks on the doors or spy holes. You can spend all day sleeping if you want. Meals are in a communal room and tea and snacks are available 24/7 if you miss a meal. You do have to make your own bed and do your own laundry. Unless you are an escape threat you get to wear your own cloths and you can leave the building a few times if they feel you can be trusted. Basically it is a place to rest and be monitored including any medication you are on. Stay is usually ten days to a month. And here it is free. For the suicidal even it is a place for rest and assessment. Any one can visit you too.

I would go again if I felt I needed too.

So if your friend had been there he might have meant you well.

If you are not exceeding the prescribed dose of klonopin then take it. That is what it is for. Take it if you have to so you can see your doctor.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

It looks like I am going to have to disconnect the phone Sunny. My friends friend down the street called me {he went through 9-11 and had a meltdown but with a good therapist and meds got better} he kind of hinted perhaps I should "commit" myself! Oh Sunny I hung up the phone and had another major attack, just the thought of that sent waves of panic into me.

I am NOT suicidal in fact death scares me I dont want to hurt myself I want to get better and I certainly do not want to hurt others in fact I go out of my way not to hurt others in anyway, I have no thoughts about hurting myself or others, and I am still able to dress everyday brush my teeth shower etc....I really dont do my hair and makeup too much but hoping that will come, if I go to a hospital my husband will have to take off work and will probably lose his job too take care of our special-needs son then we will lose the insurance, and I have no family members close by to help, my only friend took a hard fall and is on a walker, God bless her, and cannot aide either, I know he meant well by saying that but its just instilled more terror into me.

I always heard they dont hospitilize panic people, my old nurse told me that, saying it would be cruel and I would never rest or recover worrying about the homefront, I want to get better in my own home and since I am scared to go out much anyway. Davit said I should of been feeling better by now and I agree, I really have let go what my sister said but as my husband pointed out the damage is done, right now Sunny I am shaking my stomach is hurting and I am actually having hot flushes something I normally dont get, what do you do when the relaxation and breathing do not help, am I beyond recovery? The klonopin does take the edge off but I dont want to be come dependent on it, after a while you build up a tolerance and it does not work as well, I want to have coping skills, and be able to leave the house to see a good Doctor, but if I go there shaking and sweating and dizzy they are NOT going to want to put up with it, what am I doing wrong? what about the CBT is not sinking in? why is the fear dominating everything? I'm sorry I am asking all these questions I dont know where too turn, the new therapist I called has no evening appts and will not come to my home for now, has anyone ever been this severe and recovered? I just want my life back, I dont want to lose faith and hope. I am sorry I must sound like a basket case rambling on like this, please forgive me I just need help so bad!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thank you Sunny for caring. It was a bad morning I woke up very nervous and had an attack before I even got out of bed. I am so upset with myself for relapsing like this. All the old symptoms are returning, especially the stomach issues, I am trying relaxtion and praying and breathing but my body is so anxious it seems to be rejecting it or something, how I wish I knew where to go for help. I wish I could private message you at times, there is no way to do that on this site is there?? women questions and things like that I dont feel comfortable posting sometimes. I am just trying to get through the day Sunny, I wish this horrible stomachache would go away, I am so trying not to dwell on it but its hard, Davit had said I must do what I did before to get better but I do not remember what that was? I have not talked to my sister nor do I have any plans too, I dont want to play the blame game but I know with her comments she started something up inside me again and just when I was turning the corner. Does it get worse before it gets better Sunny? Did you have relapses too? I am so anxious right now I cannot believe it my stomach hurts so badly, trying to compose myself too do homework. I so want my life back again.

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