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Family visits

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Blue Radi,

I have been a member for a while but have been gone for a while. My experience here has been really good and the moderators and other members have good ideas and insights so I would encourage you to keep posting as much as you want / need to get ideas for how to manage these sorts of things. Since you are newish here I thought I would share this to start. This is a good place to make these posts you are making.

In my many years of experience trying to manage in law situations, I have learned that family systems seem to operate as systems and each person plays a role, especially in dysfunctional family systems. These roles become pretty ingrained from what I can tell, and hard to change. So for example your partner relates to his parents in a certain way, and even he wanted to change it, that dynamic has developed over time. Not to judge regarding dysfunction, just trying to say that these dynamics that you see between family members have a history.

My own experience / challenges with family systems is that typically, the type of relationships or interactions I wish would occur do not. When I read your post saying "why isn't he helping me during these visits" I could totally relate to that.

Sometimes people are around, but they are not really with you, if you know what I mean.

If no one bothers you or is bothered when you go off to read a book or something on your own, that is a strategy that sounds like it works. Leaving the room for a while, going for a walk, getting some fresh air, playing with the pets etc... these are all good ways to take breaks from the stress of the family gathering. I take breaks during family gatherings and it definitely helps. Self care is the name of the game! :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hi Blue Radi.

I would say this is normal thinking considering the situation. Not normal is how your husband deals with it. So the first will go if you can deal with the second which it sounds like will be difficult.

How I dealt with a similar situation won't help you. I walked away and got on with my life. I hope someone has a better idea.

One thing that might help would be to treat the situation like you are single and a guest rather than someones shadow.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Blue Radi,

It sounds like this coming weekend will be a good exposure opporunity. Although you just started the program and it's not always a good idea to rush into exposure this visit can still be used as learning opportunity. Check out the section on Anxious Thoughts section before you leave and use the advanced negative thought form to track what you experience. Having a good understanding of your negative thoughts will help you in challenging them. Try to think of this as an opportunity to learn. You will take control of your anxiety, it is only a matter or work and time. We'll be right here beside you while you work on it.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

Hello. I'm still super new here.

This coming weekend I'll be going to my inlaws for a big family celebration. I find family gatherings very stressful. My mind gets all fluttery, with thoughts flying all over the place. Children really set me going off, I can't concentrate on conversations, my breathing is shallow, sweaty, think I'm going to just melt on to the floor and die. So I get up and walk away and do something productive like dishes or read a book on the loo. Or if alcohol is around drink some.

My husband sits there like a dead fish when around his parental units, and does as his Mother says when ever or what ever, no if ands or buts, he does it. I hate this! Can't he see that I'm falling apart in the corner! Why is he not there for me! What an *******! I know this is not normal thinking but this is what happens.

I know my thinking starts before I even get to the house. Predicting how things are going to happen, like some super duper fortune teller. NOT!

How could I talk to my husband with out upsetting him that his (and my family) do this to me? He gets extremely enraged when I talk about how I feel around family, and I should just get over it. Do you have similar problems around family and how have you dealt with it.....apart from just not going, lol.

This website is really opening my mind to all these new thoughts of how I am having anxiety a lot more than I thought, and explains a lot of my reactions, like drinking too much, walking out of rooms, my excessive sweating, the arguements my husband and I have.

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Family visits