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Tired and Out of Hope

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

Hello again,
good counselors/psychologists,etc shouldn't say that "it's not his fault". it's not about fault or blame it's about living together and understanding each other
and not ripping each other's eyes out - especially in front of the kids. If he won't go to counseling of any kind - i say he's stubborn, go on your own, put yourself first in this situation.
you're right, it's hard to find a good one/s. keep looking - there are good ones out there. also, if you are crying uncontrollably - try antidepressants, they work!
Mowtown music always cheers me up - the temptations, o'jays, marvin gaye. Good luck.

'

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks Goofy,

I have a problem with positives, I guess we all do. But while I understand that relating to a positive is what I should do it eludes me. Like the music thing. If I'm down, so is my music. Up - a little more positive, but not much.

I am trying to do positive things whether I feel like it or not, but must admit to not being so good at it.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3,

Just wanted to say hang in there and I'll send a hug your way as well! I can understand finding some songs inspirational even though to others they seem sad - whatever helps you!

Goofy

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hello Mom of 3,

I am sorry that my reply will be short.

I think if the songs speak to you and make you feel understodd then that is good. It is nice to have words to put on how we feel. I truely understand that. And hey, if the happy songs make you angry, well I wouldn't feel like listening to them either. I am sorry you are having such a rough time.

I really understand why you feel a lone I have been there. I keep you in my thoughts today. I will be back to write some more. In the meantime I do wish for you that you have positive experiences to share with us here. But whether it is today or not, please keep us posted. As stated before I just want you to feel you can post in all honesty, knowing if you are up I will cheer you on and if you are down I will listen and understand.

Hang in there!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thank you Diva,

As I said before, your replies always help.

I admit those songs on my blog are sad. They do describe the feelings in my heart pretty well. They are on my iPod and I listen to them when at the gym. I guess it's not the most positive thing I could listen to but I don't have a connection to a happy/positive song and they make me angry. These songs feel like an expression of what I feel, they aren't motivational but are more like a release. I don't really have a motivational song or video right now. The Gift video doesn't fit motivational but it's where I am. If I find a video that does motivate me, I'll post it. Yours is a good one and I know the song well.

I do realize that I'm not alone, but when you're in this pit it feels like you're alone. Thank you for writing to me. You're a big help even if it's not evident in my writings. I appreciate you and your kindness and I hope that I will soon get to write some positive stuff here!!!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hello Mom of 3,

I just found this thread. I also read your blog. I found those songs so sad. I am sorry to see that that is the way you feel. I really empathize with you as I have been there. I have been to that dark cold place where one is alone and tired and desperate. All I can tell you is that it gets better. I am finding it hard lately but it is still better then it once was. I know right now that probably doesn't make you feel any better. I feel very helpless to say anything that will help or make you feel better. I send you hugs wherever you are and I want you to know you are not alone. You are in my thoughts. One song that has helped me in the past was REM's "Everybody hurts". I put it as my motivational video and will ad the lyrics today in my blog. I guess for me it was hearing that line, you are not alone.

You are in my thoughts my friend and please keep me posted. I don't need you to be strong or positive, I just need you to be sharing with me and finding comfort in the fact that I offer you a virtual shoulder to cry on.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

"None of this is his fault". I have heard this so I know I am being blamed. No I have not asked him to go to counseling, it can't see the point. All it will do is serve to hurt me more when he says no.

As I've said before I am skeptical about how much counseling can help. It hasn't been helpful in the past. Finding a caring counselor is like finding a needle in a haystack. Group counseling would be out for both of us. Neither one of us would share personal issues while sitting in a group with people looking at us. It is difficult to talk to one person about them let alone an entire group!

I can write whatever here because no one really knows me or can spread rumours about me because of what I've shared. I have been betrayed previously when I attempted to seek help, primarily during my divorce from my first husband. I now have more trust issues than I did then. My ex-husband also spread lies to people and I was amazed at not only what people will believe, but who it was that believed them. (People who were family (married into), people who I had known all my life from my church, people who I thought "had my back" and who I considered friends) I talk to other people very little about myself because I really don't think anyone is safe enough. I don't even tell my parents everthing. The things I do share with others are veiled because I don't want to have anyone know too much. Then there's the fact that most people can't help, telling them anything doesn't do any good because now they know and view you differently in light of whatever the issue is. You end up getting avoided because you're a downer or just an annoyance and people don't know what to do with you.

I don't have many outlets and those I do have I try not to overload. This is why the site is important for me. I have been trying to get back to church but mainly for worship purposes not to socialize or talk about my problems. It is difficult because everyone asks you questions and wants you to "share". I can't do that right now and haven't been able to for many years. I didn't go this past week because they were having a combined service with another church and a picnic afterward. I just couldn't go, I don't want to answer questions about me. I can barely sit through a service without wanting to sob uncontrollably. (I don't but a get plenty teary and it's embarrassing.) I know that people mean well but I don't want to "share" right now. I know there's something wrong with me. I don't mind knowing things about others and I usually end up agonizing over what to do to help. I don't have anyone who does that for me and it makes me sad and angry.

Thank you for your help. I'd like to think he'd go to counseling with me one day, but right now that looks bleak.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Mom of 3, Have you considered going to seek help with your husband? Sometimes group therapy can be very helpful to help everyone understand. Your husband may not know exactly what you're going through. Be patient and try to be positive even if it may not be easy at this point and time. Members, share similar experiences and let us know how you overcame it. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I am alone and out of positives right now. I am not able to gain control or a healthy perspective about my circumstances.

No matter what I try - putting others first, asserting my thoughts and feelings, trying to establish boundaries, even thinking positive thoughts is failing me - I am beaten down. I am numb most of the time. Feelings come in at a rush and I find I am angry, hurt and in pain/devastated, hopeless. I'm trying to stay numb because it's better than those others. When anger hits I am unable to disguise it. When the others hit I find that it looks like anger also on the outside. I feel like my bleeding heart is leaving a gross and disgusting trail in it's wake and I am powerless to stop it. So I internalize and try to mask as best I can.

Yesterday was my son's birthday and I found no voice to sing "Happy Birthday" to him. Partly because I have been told that I cannot sing and partly because I am too sad and have no soul to sing from. I tried but did not do well. I smiled at my son because I love him and none of this is his fault.

The other night my husband said he "understands how I feel" but he does nothing to try to make things better. He ignores me then blames me when I am upset by it, saying he's not. He seems to blame me for so much that isn't totally my fault or within my control. I've apologized time and time again but feel no forgiveness. And yet there are moments when he does some act of kindness or reaches out and I am taken off guard and confused by it so I don't think I react properly. None of this helps and I feel powerless to do anything about it. My best laid plans are blown to smithereens - as usual with any type of problem I encounter. If good intentions counted for something, I'd be the most successful person ever. However my good intentions are always misread and I am always the doormat. No one respects me or my feelings. If I'm upset there's always a hidden time line I'm supposed to be on to "get over it", otherwise I am annoying. There's no help, no understanding/sympathy/patience for me.

My husband could let down his guard but he does not and I'm unsure that I have been that terrible to him. I realize I have neglected him in ways I never intended to, but I have tried to make ammends. It's not as if I haven't looked past a whole lot of issues myself to do so. I am tired and out of hope.

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