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Tired and Out of Hope

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva,

You are right, he may be "stepping it up" because you are in an uproar. (I know that feeling too) The key is to find a way to make your connection be there every day. There are little things that you can do daily to put your husband and your marriage first everyday. These go a long way to keeping you from feeling like you're being patronized when you bring something up and he responds. No one is perfect and we fall back into old habits quickly if we don't change our mindset. The CD I bought is by a person named Mort Fertell. His points are well thought out and expressed, they make sense. It has opened my eyes to what is wrong with me/my marriage. However, it is not easy to implement, especially because I am working at it alone, and that it will take time. But I am trying to change my mindset. Eventually, if the opportunity presents, I'll ask my husband if he wants to listen to it, but I wanted something for me right now. I felt that I needed to shift my thoughts to him and learn to love him without trying to beat him over the head with it. But that is just me, it's meant to be done together. I just feel like I have to prove something to my husband first.

I hope that you will find what makes sense for you and your relationship. Whatever happens I hope you will find peace and love, you deserve that.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hello Mom of 3,

Yeah I think you and I are alike in our ways of feeling sometimes aren't we? I am sad you have to go through this. I am grateful though that you share so much with me and that we get to support each other.

I think you are right. Divorce is sometimes needed but it is by far not a clean cut into a new life. When I took my vows, I meant them and do not consider seperation or divorce lightly. I guess I am just broken and afraid to hope anymore. I am not even sure I am capable of it right now. But I am doing my best not to sabotage or flee. I am also doing my best to accept whatever kindness my husband sends my way and be open to him and not shut downon him. I do try and be grateful and thankful when he is there and nice and I do tell him I love him and appreciate his efforts. Because I truely believe what you sadi about you can't leave your baggage behind in a divorce. And that they are messy.

Last night I actually told him how I felt. I told him I felt broken. At first it seemed like he was going to get angry but then he calmed down. Then he invited me out to eat supper and said we would watch a movie. At first I was so tired I really did not feel up to it. But I knew it was him trying to reconnect and send a peace offering. SO I said of course dear and decided to put myself in a mind set to accept the good. Hope or not I will go with the flow and accept the good. I will not shut him out out of anger. So we had a very nice supper together. Then we came home and we did watch a movie together. Then we were exhausted so we went to sleep. I know I can see he made plenty of gestures. And I am grateful. I know he loves me. But part of me feels like he is making gestures now cause I am in an uproar and he wants to quiet me down. I am afraid to hope for more longterm improvements. HE often does fantastic gestures if I get mad and then he doesn't keep it up once I calm down. Don't know what to think. I had a rough night. I had bad dreams. I am tired and as such not thinking as clearly lol. But I do love him. He is the love of my life, always has been. Why is it so hard for us toconnect without tearing at each other? Who knws right? Anyway, thank you for your continuing support Mom of 3, you are great.

And you, how are you today?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva, I just read your posts. I do know what you mean about being out of energy and hope. I guess if you look at alot of my posts you'll read alot of the same things you're saying. As far as your husband's attitude, I so relate. When I write that I don't think my husband will go for counseling it is because of the same things you wrote about. For him it's fine that I am on this website searching for answers, because I'm the one with the problem. He can't or won't look at his own - MEN!! They are so full of pride sometimes I wonder how the world has existed this long. (since they've mainly been in charge)

Only you know what your situation really is and whether there is hope for your marriage. I've already been through one divorce and it wasn't fun. You end up with the baggage from it anyway - even though you were trying to leave it. I believe that divorce was the only solution in my case. It was an abusive relationship and even with counseling there was no owning of any of the problems, they were all my blame. If he was abusive, it was my fault,and for awhile I believed it. I felt and still feel that divorce was the best decision, but it was difficult and causes me problems to this day. There was no real love in that marriage, once I realized it I also realized that I did not love him. It was not hatred, it was that I realized that there was nothing real there. I tried for 12 years and my efforts were wasted. I will tell you that I do love my husband now. I believe our son needs him to stay. I do not believe that I need him to stay, I want him to and that is different. Is there aspects of life that would be harder without him? Sure, but life is hard anyway, there are also some that would be easier. I will work on this marriage because I see worth in it and in him. Simply, I love him.

You need to decide for yourself what you want and what you need. You deserve to be loved and treated well. I don't want to give you the impression that I think you should stay or go. You must decide. Good luck Diva, keep me posted.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

HEllo Mom of 3,

I am really glad that CD is helping you figure things out and discover things. And I hear you about needing to understand the other. I also hear you about the unconditionnal love thing. Not easy to do though. Hurt does get in the way. Glad you are fighting back though and finding new ways out for yourself. Let me know how it goes :)

As for my marriage, you are right when asking what would I gain. That is why I am still here. But what frightens me is that slowly I am getting answers for myself as to what I would gain if I tossed everything away. As long a losing him is greater then those gains, I am here. As long as my love for him is more important then those gains, I stay here. But the gains are slowly piling up and the rest is being eroded by anger and fear and hurt and mostly a sense that nothing will ever change. I have put so much effort in this marriage.I have fought and held on and did everything I could for so long! I am just all out of fight.

As for my husband being depressed, he just might be. Sometimes he says he is, sometimes he says he isn't. Whether he says he is or his not, he won't help himself though. Won't do program, support groups, therapy, won't even read a book. So how long do I stay out of guilt. How long do I stand by my man to be a good wife while he does nothing to help himself? I don't even know if he is depressed or just a video game addict. Only he can tell and he rarely talks to me about anything serious. I do not know if he is depressed and I cannot ask him. And if he is, he won't seek help.

As for us being diconnected from each other, you are right. It hurts me to admit it but you are right. Thing is we are really and truly disconnected and have been for a long time. Sometimes we manage to reconnect a bit for a short period of time. But it doesn't last. I am not sure he wants to connect with me though. I feel like I am always the one seaking a connection and he just wants to be left alone with his games...I feel rejected a lot. As for what he is running from, I don't think he even knows. I have asked him before and did not get an answer. As for what am I running to? I am not sure yet and that is why I am still here. But I keep feeling like I want to run away and run towards just being able to mend myself and reorganize my life.

As for validating him with love and understanding instead of a melt down I totally agree. COMPLETELY. The problem is I am all out of energy and all out of patience. I don't feel capable of it. Right now, it takes everything I have to not go over there and yell. I am listening to the mouse click and I am breathing deep. I am all out of fight. I tried validating and loving him and it did nothing. After over ten years of fighting to fix my marriage and feeling alone and lost I am HURT and ANGRY and out of energy to be loving and patient. I feel like he never really wanted o be with me. He spent over 10 years of our marriage playing video games and ignoring me!!! How stupid am I to stay? How long do I fight for a marriage with a man who ignores me and plays video games all the time? I like video games, that is the worse part! I play them too. But I do my other stuff first. I take care of things then play! I don't use my hobbies to ignore him though. If at least I did not feel like he was running from me! I feel like he uses his video gams to run from me! It hurts! But yes, meltdowns are unproductive, certainely not helpful.

I think you and I stay for the same reason. We want the same thing. I want to be loved accepted and respected too. I just don't know if my mmarriage can be saved. I don't have the energy to fight for it anymore and I am not sure he will fight for it either. But I spent most of our ten years fe

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva,

I am trying to change my perspective because it is easy to know how I feel. Figuring how he feels and why is a bit harder, but I feel like I'm in this mess because I have failed to do it very well for so long.

I've been listening to some CD's on marriage and the idea is to put love first. It's on how to love someone unconditionally and connecting to be soul mates. It has been eye opening for me in alot of ways. Even the things that I thought I had right, I found that I didn't always do them for the correct reasons. I have been trying to implement loving unconditionally in my life, remembering the mindset is hard when I'm upset or hurt. This is why I keep complaining about not being able to adjust my attitude from my hurt. It gets in the way, but I continue to try.

I read your other post in another thread about how you feel in your home and how your husband makes you feel. I relate, I know what you are saying. The desire to just toss everything away is strong, but what would it gain? Sheba is right, your husband is showing signs of depression. You are depressed and you and your husband are disconnected from each other. The only way to get reconnected is to put each other and your marriage first - above everything else. Try to talk, try to find out what it is your husband is running from. You know you feel like running but what are you running to? Is it better or will it lose it's appeal with time also? Sometimes we have to look beyond our hurt and reach out to our spouses to validate them with love and understanding. I understand I am not offering you a guarantee of anything, but I honestly think that someone treated with love, understanding and as a priority has a more difficult time finding fault with you. If you show them love when you would normally have a melt down it goes much farther than a melt down would.

These are my thoughts and I wanted to share them with you. Reading what you wrote about your marriage made me sad. Even when I'm so very hurt and it seems that it would be easier to just run away I stop myself because I am at least able to realize that it's not what I really want. What I want is to be loved, accepted and respected, this is what he wants also, so who's going to take the steps to do make it happen? If I am prideful and continue to think it is up to him, meanwhile, he thinks it's up to me - what will change? I can only do what I can do, so I'd better get to it.

Will I be successful? I don't know, but I'll always know that I did my best to try. I hope the best for you and your husband Diva. Keep me posted.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Thanks for your reply. Did not mean to highjack your thread lol!

I am glad you have found a fresh new perspective. I really hope for you that things work out well, you deserve it so much. I think it is great how you think of his feelings as well as yours. I think you are great. Hang in there!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva,

Glad to see that you are going to try to talk to your hubby!

I'm a little calmer right now. Still very tired and still wondering if I'm moving in the right direction, but I've been able to get my mind set a bit more positive. I've also put some of the hurt into perspective in that I realize that some of the hurts I have he does too. If my hurt needs addressing so does his, I can start by addressing his. Hopefully, I will be able to keep this perspective.

Good luck with your talk Diva!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hello Mom of 3,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. You are hurt and angry and that is ok. It is human to feel that way. I don't think it is selfish at all. I think you understand that his point of view is important and that his hurt is important but yours is too. I think both need to be adressed and that is not selfish it is commonsense. I think communication as hard and frustratins as it is, is the best way to solve things. Then again, what do I know, I am here fighting badly with my husband as we speak and feeling quite angry and sad. I am trying to figure out hoe he feels and that too. I guess I need to communicate better too

. All this to say hang in there. And I get that passive-agressive exploding feeling too. I think I just hit mine today lol. I think you are great and not slefish at all. I think you work hard and that you are right he needs to be working with you too. Hang in there. And I will take my own advice and try to go talk to my hubby.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose,

When I say erupt it's more of a passive-aggressive thing. Everything just sits there and boils until I can't take it anymore. I don't throw anything but maybe I should. I find myself becoming shaky and dizzy often. Although I don't know exactly where it comes from.

I really wish I could express myself better but I feel like I just annoy him further. I'd like to reach out but feel so beaten down that I just become afraid to do so. I just don't want to be hurt anymore. By him not really communicating with me where he was with all this and trying to seek a solution with me, I feel cheated and discounted by the way he did handle it. Like I didn't really matter and he made up his mind without giving me any sort of consideration. I think that's what is keeping me from moving forward now. I'm hurt and want to lash out and that doesn't translate to being loving. I want to do that but find myself numb. This happens to me all the time, I make a point, feel guilty about it and undermine the changes brought about by it because I had to ask. What's wrong with me??? I must be rather selfish to not be able to get over myself.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

hello again mom of 3,
you've mentioned exploding and erupting and ruining everything....we really sound so similar! i have a real tendency to label everything and i wonder if it's intermittent explosive disorder, where you just lash out, lose it, etc. my aunt and mother have that or so i believe. many broken dishes, aquariums, phones, etc. many times came after us with a belt. she didn't hit all that hard or long, what scared us was the intensity of her fury. quick on and then quick off. it never lasted long but you never knew quite what to expect. they're both much older and have "mellowed" :) i surely have inherited it and have lost jobs because of it - now i notice when it's happening and i really have to be pushed/exhausted/overstimulated but it starts with getting flushed, then i feel a little dizzy and i tell myself to STOP - walk away if you can, or tell the other person/s that you need some time alone to calm down. i think it has something to do with anxiety and our brains not bouncing
back quickly enough. whatever it is, it is a monster! i don't know if it's "right" of me to push drugs
- but honestly the combination of lexapro and klonopin keep me from not only staying in bed all day thinking about the varying ways of killing myself but makes me feel OK - not crying - not ruminating - working this program - keeping up w/exercise - seeing a little of that light at the end of the tunnel! hang in there, don't hold back with him and give it some time.
good luck, you deserve to be happy - so do i - so do we all

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Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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