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Why does negative self talk feel comforting?


17 years ago 0 8760 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Confused, Keep working through the program. Session 11 focuses particularly on your relationship with others, your communication style and what strategies you can use to strengthen it. Danielle _____________________ The DC Support Team
17 years ago 0 183 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Ava I hope that your brother's better -- I'm so sorry that he (and you) had to go through such pain, but thank you for sharing because it made me think more about the drastic methods we come up with to comfort ourselves and avoid our pain. Are the negative scripts an addiction like cutting or alcohol or drugs, and is it helpful to think of it that way? The Victim is the archetype that I'm struggling with. Myss calls the Victim the Protector of Self-Esteem -- on it's Light side it notices when we are potentially going to be taken advantage of or victimized and encourages us to be assertive and stand up for ourselves. The Shadow side notices and encourages opportunities to play the victim so that we can get pity or sympathy or an excuse for our lack of self-esteem. I'm wallowing on the Shadow side (though I've isolated myself so much that there isn't really anyone to notice and give me pity and sympathy, so I even have to do [b]that[/b] myself -- sad, isn't it? (sniff, sigh) If I try to tie these together somehow... am I addicted to the thoughts and scripts that confirm that I am pitiable? Certainly being assertive creates an often huge amount of anxiety, while the chance to do things that will allow me to bring out my negative scripts feels almost seductive and giving in is definitely a relief/release, if only temporarily. Does framing it like this help? I'm not sure that it would change my approach, though I suppose it emphasizes the strength of the bond. Every habit that we develop gives us some sort of benefit regardless of costs, otherwise we wouldn't keep doing it. Sorry, Ava, I'm all over the place in this post. I'm also curious when you said that the world around you doesn't make sense to you. You wrote earlier that sometimes your world is filled with criticism and rejection and everyone seeing you in a bad light -- is that the reality you are trying to reconcile with? Or is it a different one that doesn't make sense? I'm going to stop writing now (whew!) :)
17 years ago 0 56 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Confused... The Archetype model seems appropriate in ways, although I think I cooked up this inner soundtrack of my own accord. Early experiences probably gave it fertile ground, and more recent experiences were like "Miracle-gro" but the soundtrack really does feel like an effort to reconcile myself with a world around me that isn't making sense to me. I am not sure that understanding it as a self-protective response is particularly comforting, but it resolves a puzzle to some degree. My brother once explained to me why he cut himself (pretty badly over time), saying that the intensity of that pain crowded out emotional pain so it ended up being a form of self-comfort. I think the soundtrack does the same for me. Is there a downside to adjusting to it? Clearly there is a downside to my brother's methods, so I thought I should also be dealing with my more concealed form of cutting. But maybe it isn't a good analogy since there is no immediate physical risk in my case. I will try to think of it as self-protection, and see if it makes a difference. Thanks for your thoughts and very informed feedback. Ava
17 years ago 0 183 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Ava Good to hear from you, regardless of when :) When you said old friends, it made me think of inner family, archetypes, etc. Different models with similar concepts. Something like: the soundtracks are defenses we've created to make ourselves feel better after some critical incident in our past and protect ourselves and our inner child. Most people have a inner critic and there are some other common ones like perfectionist, adult, victim and people-pleaser. In being defenses, they are aspects of our selves that really do want the best for us but they can get a bit twisted over time, if that makes any sense. As I said, there are lots of different ways of looking at it, but I've found this framework (as well as Caroline Myss' Archetypes) to help me get my head around the positive/negative aspects of my thoughts and scripts. And my inner family is me, so I can't just get rid of them. Just untwist them a bit, and learn how to respond to their scripts more positively. How do you feel or what's your self-image like after comforting yourself with those thoughts? I guess what I'm wondering about is the downside of adjusting to that reality.
17 years ago 0 56 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Confused: Sorry to take so long to reply (insert appropriately self-critical comment about what a horrible person I am). I really do appreciate hearing someone else has similar struggles. I hadn't thought about the self-sabotage tendencies until you wrote about them, but I think you're right, those kinds of things do tend to occur at the same time as the self-talk. On the other hand, I do a good job of compartmentalising my life so I can turn on my "work brain" and go on like everything's normal, when I need to. But what I mainly had in mind was this weird feeling of comfort I get when I am saying horrible things to myself in my head. And because it's comforting, it's harder to break as a habit. Seems like when everything already feels bleak you're supposed to give up something that feels like the only thing that relieves the pressure. As for whether my thinking has changed, yes and no. It's been more severely negative in the past, almost debilitatingly so, and that has changed a lot. I am also far more aware of when the soundtrack kicks in, with all my old favorites. But I admit it's more like I am coming to terms with these soundtracks as old friends, than I am challenging them. And I really have a hard time challenging them logically. For me they just make so much sense it's easier to adjust to that reality than invent something new. Ava
17 years ago 0 183 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Ava I feel that too. And I self-sabotage to create the environment that gives my negative thoughts more validity. Procrastinating until the very last minute, not giving myself enough time to get where I need to go on time, staying up late with a friend and a bottle or two of wine when I have an early morning presentation the next day... Is that the sort of thing you meant? The CBT is helping, though, and my negative scripts seem to be losing some power. I have to be careful with the positive self-talk I use still -- anything too positive still feels untrue. Are you seeing progress in your thinking? Confused
17 years ago 0 56 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Confused: Thanks for your thoughts, you might be right about the familiarity, but I've also developed another theory. I wonder if sometimes when I feel like the world is full of criticism and rejection and everyone sees me in this bad light, that it's tough to be the voice in your head saying you're not so bad. It's like when everyone else rejects you, you still have no choice but to try to be the lone voice in the wilderness trying to stick up for yourself. And sometimes I just want to give in and join the crowd, be on the winning side for a change. Being the one beating myself up gives me that feeling of being on the winning side. Ava
17 years ago 0 8760 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Confused, You may find negative scripts comforting because just as you said you're having trouble examining your thoughts and emotions. Please take your time to work through the program. There is a lot of information and a lot of homework, so if it takes you longer than a week to get through it, don't sweat it. Just come in and fill out your mood tracker and post if you feel the need. Also don't hesistate to ask questions. We are always happy to help. Keep persevering! Danielle _____________________ The DC Support Team
17 years ago 0 183 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Do you think that the negative scripts are comforting because they're familiar? I don't find the positive talk very comforting either -- I think because it's new, takes effort, and is hard to believe. I'm trying to catch my negative thoughts and replace them or argue against them, and it works sometimes but many times that very familiar voice snickers at my "rationalization" or says "yeah, so that may be true, but what about...?" and any good feeling that I may have started to generate is drowned in the waves of guilt or shame. Much easier just to float in the familiar guilt and shame right from the start, but I know that to succumb to the negative stuff is just going to keep me in this pit. I don't know about you, but I'm finding this CBT to be really hard. I don't want to examine my thoughts and emotions -- it makes me feel awful to bring the fact that I'm depressed and not coping right out in the open, if that makes any sense :) And it's hard to find the time to do all the homework. But I can't stay where I am, as comfortable as it may be, because I have my wonderful children to support.
17 years ago 0 1521 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Good Morning Ava, Everyone knows what it is like to feel “down” or “blue.” Everyone has experienced feelings of sadness, disappointment, loss, guilt and regret. These emotions are natural and healthy reactions to negative life events. In fact, these negative feelings usually help us cope with stress and solve problems. Often we can’t understand why we’re feeling bad. These feelings tell us that something is wrong and that there’s a problem that needs to be solved. Such feelings usually don’t last. People can usually experience these feelings, realize what’s wrong, cope with the problem, feel better, and then get on with their lives. Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) often occurs following negative life events. However, unlike “sadness” or “disappointment” (normal reactions to negative life events) MDD is characterized by very strong negative feelings that last for a long time. Because these feelings are too strong and last for too long they do not help people solve problems. Instead, these strong negative feelings interfere with our ability to cope with problems. People are very complex so there are probably a lot of different reasons that we become depressed. There are a lot of different theories about the causes of depression, depending on how you look at it. How do we manage depression you ask? Here at The Depression Center we offer a interactive, 16-session cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) course. Each person has unique goals in their treatment. Whatever your motivation, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a very effective treatment for depression. You can use the tools whether or not you are taking medication, and whether or not you are currently seeing a therapist or mental health professional. The Depression Program has a number of tools and resources to help each individual overcome their depression and win. We hope we have directed you in the right direction this morning. Please continue to visit us within our online support group at your own discrepancy. Melanie ____________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

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