Hugs.

 

My perception now is that life can not be all positive or negative, good or bad, happy or sad..So I am now looking for a happy medium...

 

Red.....

Ashley,

Thank you for your response..I really hard a time remembering what volunteer work you are talking about. Are you talking about the quilt blocks I am thinking about making? This is something I have been thinking about doing but haven't done yet.

I have missed my quilting class for the last three weeks while we have been working on the fence. I need to get back to class to make the connections and talk to the people in class that are involved in making these quilts if I want to do this..I find I am afraid of letting my self feel all the feeling I will be feeling while I am making these blocks. When I look at all the patriotic fabrics it makes me feel both happy and sad. It is very bitter sweet for me. I think making these quilts may be very healing for me and also for those that receive them..I am not sure what I am going to do at this point..I am afraid of having another melt down like I had yesterday and am still feeling very raw from it all...

I just went back and read you post again and now the part about the volunteer work is gone..Did you remove it? Did I imagine it? am I losing my mind?

 

Red......

Davit,

Thank you for the response..You are a dear friend and thank you for trying to help me..I can not comprehend this right now and I am sure you will understand why..My mind is just too raw from yesterday..I am going to come back and read this again when my mind has had a little time to rest and heal..I am sure my mind will be more receptive then.

 

Red....

Ashley,

Thanks for clearing that up..Its good to know I am not losing my mind.. 

 

Red....

 

 

 

 

 

Davit,

 

Great idea! Positive distractions are in order today..I am heading outside to work on finishing my privacy fence..

 

Thank you my dear friend,

Red....

I think it is very realistic to think about the changes involved in living with another person..Especially when you have lived alone for a very long time.There will be adjustments to make..To think other wise would be like putting blinders on. It is always good to think ahead when considering such a major change in ones life..I know a couple who have a relationship but do not live together and have been doing so for the last few years. They enjoy each others company and are happy with the arrangement. My partner and I do live together and have for 6 yrs now..There have been a lot of adjustments to make and compromises along the way as we have gotten to know each  other better. We are doing something much different than the couple I mentioned. Also a on line or pen pal relationship is not the same as living together.We have both thought about going back to the way we were before we meet many times. It has taken time to get used to each others habits and ways..It is definitely about Change..So we talk when something comes up and compromise and try to understand the others point of view..Over all we enjoy each others company and are happy together and we love and care deeply about each other. The one thing we have done is keep our own individuality and we make sure we give each other space.Plus we accept each other the way we are..The has been crucial to making it work for us....We would be miserable if we were not together..

 

Red...

Davit,

 

Man oh Man, what a day and what a great attitude..Plus you got all that wire down too..

 

Well I got one for you...While working on the last 6 feet of fence line we were putting up. My partner had to make a run for some roofing felt for the post next to the sidewalk a city requirement and some pipe fittings for our sprinklers that needed to be moved..Anyway I stayed here at home it was 95 deg. outside.  I went into get some ice water and on my way back outside I saw our easyup awning that I had been using for shade laying on top of the problem neighbors car..Oh my god I freaked when I saw it and was phoning my partner on the cell phone when the kids next door came to the door telling my easyup was on their car..We meaning me and the kids went into action and removed it from there car and off there palm tree.

Later when my partner got home he thanked them for helping me..They said they couldn't believe it that they were just standing there and the wind picked it straight up in the air about 15 feet before it touched down on the tree and car..I think that must of been a devil wind for sure and I sure felt like a angle must have been looking out for me because the car and nobody was hurt..Talk about freak accidents..That was Friday and today is Saturday..No ones has come to the door asking for money so all is well on the Western front for now..Oh the northern fence is all installed now and everything is peaceful for the moment around here.

I don't want to say that to loud or I might jinks it..Lol lol

 

Red...

I am not sure if another person can totally understand unless it was there experience..I don't think you are a freak and if you are a freak than so am I..

I have always been a loner and it has been very challenging for me to be with and especially live with another person 24/7..I grew up in a house where I was a non person..Thank God I had my grandparents to visit and be with from time to time..All of my family has died and I have no contact with any living relatives..I do see my son and his family once a year may be. I was married for 27 years to a veteran with ptsd..We lived a very reclusive life..He never did talk much and yes it was lonely at times..He later lost the ability to talk or do anything as he got sick with dementia and ptsd..I spent at least four years without hearing my name spoken. I did not watch tv because of all the war news..the only contact I had with other people was during doctors visits..We were alone in it and the world..It wasn't until he passed away that I realized how alone I was without him. I spend a year without any contact with others except for my grief groups. I met my partner while visiting my husbands grave site..He too was alone and visiting his mothers grave site..We talked and I took a chance and give him my phone #. I was very afraid but I was considering letting him in my world. He was also a loner and had been a mechanic for over 37 years. Working in his bay at work and garage at home. His phones were ringing now stop from people and family wanting him to fix all there stuff or problems. Me I found this all hard to take I had shut off my house phone for months and only my son and Dr's could reach me by cell phone. I didn't even watch the tv I just couldn't take all the news..I was totally alone and cut off from the outside world..It was very hard for me to let someone in my life not to mention letting someone in my house. We still talk about what it was like living alone and there were some things that were easier about it..and somethings that were harder..Over all we are happier together even though we miss the aloneness at times..we never want to be alone again...Could he do it again yes he says he can, but doesn't want too. Could I do it I am not sure because I know what it is like to be totally alone with no one and not even a real friend on the face of this Earth.
I know I am rambling here, please bare with me, because this is important for me to do..it help me think things out and understand myself.

No I do not want to go back to the way it was before or the way I was before ..I have grown so much over the last 7 years and am much happier now than I have ever been..I have to also say that CBT has also played a part in this too..This has all been a very good change for me..I never want to go back to who or what I was before...

 

Red...

 

 

Davit,

 

Sounds interesting and exciting too.

Is Sunny coming up to help you harvest the vegetables and put in the deck this year?

 

Red..

I would not presume to say how well another person has coped..It was very heartbreaking for me when I lost my husband and my whole family. I really didn't cope very well at all and my heart was broken..I would give anything to have been able to spend one more day with each of them..I miss them all and think about at least one of them every day..I dream about them most every night..and they are ill and I can not fix them..So I would not presume to say how anyone else is coping because I am not them and I have not walked in there shoes..Yes I have someone in my life now but it wasn't always this way..and I still do miss the people I have lost..I was not really alone until I lost them all.....

 

Red...