Hi my name is Laurie
Hi Everyone,
Where to begin.... I'm 37 turning 38 in February. I have smoked since 18- on and off and became a full time smoker at 20 years old.
I quit smoking when I was pregnant with my son in 2002 and then went back to it at the first moment of stress just after he was born.
I hate cigarettes- they killed my Mom at the age of 58. My Mom died from pancreatic cancer. It was hell. I lost my best friend. A beautiful passionate caring woman, loved by everyone who ever knew her. It was devestating and it all happened so fast. Angeocarcinoma cell- 3 months my Mom was gone. She was everything to me, my son and my sisters.
I hate smoking and I have tried to quit so many many times. I have thrown cigarettes out the car window. I sit and curse and cry and smoke. I am an addict. I hate cigarettes and I at times hate myself because I know others quit and yet I always start back up. I want to be like others who stay quit!
What saddens and terrifies me is that my life is an intergenerational cycle of addiction. My son begs me to quit just as I remember begging my Mom to quit. I wish I never started. Im sitting here crying as I type this message. Im so afraid that I am going to die from these damned cigarettes too! I want to see my son grow up. :) I at times become so afraid because I have smoked for half of my life and wonder if I'm going to get cancer soon and die anyway. But I tell myself how maybe if my Mom had quit at 38 maybe she would not have died 20 years later! It's all so horrible.
When I wake up in the morning, I hate the first cigarette that I have. Hate it! and some times I even cry.
I cough.. I have asthma. I had a health scare last year and as a result had a chest x-ray and gastro scope- everything turned out ok. And I remember crying waiting for the results and promising myself that smoking was done! and I tried to quit and then started again. Can you believe that? Isnt that sick?
My doctor just keeps telling me that "its all in my head" and that the solution is not in a drug.
It does not help that I live with a smoker who has no intention of quitting and additional to that is not supportive because he has no intention of quitting smoking.
I need help and I so badly need support.
Ok so this message was written while in crisis mode. Sorry that I have rambled but I am just not in a very good place right now.
Laurie
