. Hi, everyone!
I'm new here. Just started with my 2nd week of the program.
My story - I'm now almost 24 and it all started in February 2 years ago on my final year of college (speech - language pathology). It happened totally out of the blue, unexpected. This awfull, terrible feeling of unreality, depersonalization. It was so strong I couldn't stand it. For a whole month I hoped it would pass so I waited. It was a terrible constant feeling accompanying me every second of my day. It was so strong that I was shocked. I couldn't eat almost at all, my heart was pounding, I was shaking and I cried every day a lot. During that month I had my college practice which was obligatory so I couldn't miss it because the consequences would be big. So I forced myself to get up every morning to go through with it. I was weak and not interested at all. It was hard but I was also aware that I have to deal with my feelings, that I have to go out, that I have to eat and sleep and be among people which was scary and terrible. I felt like outside my body, like in a dream, I often saw myself in a way someone else sees me, like I was an observer of all that was happening. It totally freaked me out!! I couldn't recognize myself in a mirror, my voice, I couldn't be alone because I was in a constant loop of observing my thoughts and feelings. It was easier to be around my boyfriend at the time. He, my roommate/best friend and my parents knew about it but no one understood. They were like: 'You don't have the reason to be sad, you have everything you need, you're pretty, have enough money, a boyfriend and a lot of friends, family that loves you...' etc. It made it even worse beeing aware of all those things and started to ask myself am I really crazy, I have all those things, no reason to feel this way but I do.
In March 2008 I decided to ask for help. My general practitioner sent me to a psychiatrist. It was a shock to me having to face with the fact that I have to see a psychiatrist. In my country, there's a common opinion that if you're seeing a psychiatrist you're crazy. I went and started to cry at the door. She put me on Cipralex (escitalopram) on 5mg per day and to come and see her in a month. She said that I was emotionally immature and gave me the F60.3 diagnosis. I was totally shocked. After a month I was a bit better but not much. I was just not crying that often. Her half hour 'therapy' was consisted of yelling at me and blaming me for my state. Every time I went home from her I felt even more miserable and worse. She said that my state could cause one of three things - drogs, being in a love triangle(?!?) or psychosis and that I should stop lying to her and that I should stop manipulating. You can imagine what that did to me!!!
I attended my classes regularly and my grades stayed the same. Mostly A's and B's. No one around me noticed that something was going on which was important to me and also to be aware of the fact that nothing was ruined. One thing only. That was my social life. I stopped going out on Saturdays and rarely went out for a drink with my friends. Only when I had no excuses left and because I was afraid that it could ruin our friendship. I stopped doing those things because I was afraid that I won't be able to stand this feeling in public, that I'll start crying etc.
Since I wasn't feeling any better I went to talk to my general practitioner. She said that I had to be on 10mg per day and that it should have been like so from the beggining (am I the doctor here?!?). With the 1st of May 2008 I was on a higher dosage.
I decided to search for a new psychiatrist. Since I live in one and study in another town, I had no therapy during the summer except my medication and all the things I found on the Internet and forums. Distraction, distraction, sleep, eat regularly, go out and socialize etc. It was a struggle but it was a bit better.
From March 'till September one more thing happened. An anxiety came up. It was a fear of the fear. I was constantly expecting when will I feel unreal. Panic attacks came along. In every situation my heart started to race, or I couldn't eat etc. I thought to myself:'This is it, it's coming back, February 2008 is hapening again to me.' Sometimes I would cry. I started to avoid some situations in which this happened to me. Not all, because I couldn't, my college was too important to me, I didn't want to make a mess of it. And again, not all situations because I was aware that it won't lead to anything good. But any change was scary to me because I was constantly asking myself how will I feel, will anyone notice, will I be able to go through it totally normally on the outside etc. I went to a few trips. It was hard to make myself go and I wasn't feeling great but I managed to go through.
In September I went to a new doctor. She was very pleasant
and understanding but not really helpful as I look back now. My sessions were
as I needed. I would call and we would make an appointment. As I see it I think I needed a continuous
therapy but like there wasn’t anyone who would make an effort for me. Like my
case wasn’t so alarming and there were much worse cases they needed to work
with. We talked pretty much only about everyday life and she was giving mi life
advice. That was it.
It was a
better phase. The feeling of unreality slowly faded and anxiety wasn’t so strong.
I worked on my final paper, went to live with my boyfriend (he never understood
what I was going through but was very supportive and optimistic) at the time
(we had a roommate), I worked a little as a student of SLP and volunteer and I
got a Yorkshire terrier for myself to have someone to care about, to distract
my thoughts and to force me to go out more often.
In April
2009 I went to
I ended my college in June and became an SLT. Summer was pretty okay 'till the end.
I broke up with my boyfriend (it was my decision) and wen't to live with my best friend and 2 roommates. In the meantime I started to date this boy (my current boyfriend) I liked a lot for years and he felt the same. It is just more and more beautiful with him. I was okay 'till one rainy night at the beginning of the November. My boyfriend needed to come for a weekend but called sick and it was a big disappointment for me because it was something I was looking forward for a whole week. Afterwards I had to meet my college girls on the main square, one of them an hour earlier. I waited and she forgot to come. Panic striked me in a second. Being out alone, in the crowd with all the neon lights... it was overwhelming.
Since then the vicious circle of unreality, anxiety and panic started to roll again. I'm trying to explain it to myself that it is because of this: I finished college and started to work in my profession (still my status is not defined), I broke up a 4,8 year long relationship and got a new boyfriend. One of our roommates with whom I was very close moved out and we got a total stranger and that changed again after 2 months, my dog was also suffering cause he adored my 1st boyfriend and change of an apartment was s shock to him. I had to deal with the fact that I have to be alone for the big amount of the time in a day. My old boyfriend is constantly texting me with messages like I love you etc. Which is very hard for me because I like him a lot but not as a lover anymore and it's hard for me knowing that he hurts so much because of me. I'm trying not to think about it but when I do I become depressed. Adjusting to work is also hard, with the having to get up every day, having a great deal od responsibility and trying to figure out the meaning of life where you work 8 hours per day and go home at 4 – 5 pm with a little of time left for yourself. I think all of those changes just hit me that second. Maybe I'm wrong.
Christmas holidays were great, relaxing and I was feeling okay. When I had to go to work to another town (the same one I studied in) it hit me again. How will I feel, will I be able to cope etc. Since January 2010 every day is a big struggle again and I'm so tired. I never missed a day of work because of it because I'm aware that I can't allow to myself to start avoiding things. Public transport is a stress to me. I read while driving and it helps a lot. I avoid night rides and crowds at the night because it makes me really anxious (neon lights!!). I come home from work and don't go anywhere unless someone's with me which is rarely because my boyfriend is in my home town. I call my friends sometimes to come to my apartment for a drink or coffee... anything just so I don't have to go out at the evening. Being alone, public transportation, neon lights, seeing myself in a mirror, walking alone long distances and hearing myself breathe or talk sometimes, every type of change especially change of place is a big source of stress, anxiety and panic to me.
I found a new doctor (and this program online at the same time) who introduced me with a cognitive – behaviour therapy which is what this program is about. It is private so I have to pay for it but I'm willing to do anything that'll make me feel better. It was what I needed from the beginnig!! I went on January 15th and February 9th, she doesn't want me to come often in order not to become to attached and to think that I can't live without her. She suggested for me to go off Cipralex what I discussed with my general practitioner and she agreed. In a month we'll start on a smaller dosage. I can't say that Cipralex helped me at all. How it'll be, who knows.
My current boyfriend knows about this which makes it easier because I can be myself and when I'm not feeling okay he knows why. I can't say that he understands. He thinks I'm exaggerating and that I'm making problems where they don't exist and that my fears are small. On the other hand, he's total revival in quality of a relationship comparing him with my 1st boyfriend. He's really great and I'm really happy with him but afraid that this will ruin my relationship. He says it won't and that he's here for me.
Now, the feeling of unreality and anxiety is becoming worse every day. I feel like I'm crazy and that I'll end up in a mental hospital. I'm afraid that this is what my whole life will look like, that I won't be able to be a wife and a mother....
This is more or less it. Hope you've got the point and you're still awake! J Any advice, criticism etc. Would be great!! Thank you for your time.
Bambi8
