Northwestgal,
Welcome! Good for you for taking that first step to reach out for help and admit that you want and need a change. I remember well those early morning awakenings filled with sadness and despair. I was able to quit drinking over 18 months ago and it was very difficult at the beginning but got much easier with time. I first quit for 100 days to reset my behaviour and thinking, and then I thought that this is so great, why would I go back. I had tried moderation in every form that I could think of and I was never able to sustain it. When I was drinking/moderating, it consumed my thoughts and even if I did moderate, I wanted more. Now, I rarely consider drinking at all although those around me do. For me, life is so much better without alcohol.
When I quit I gathered lots of tools and quitting drinking became my focus. I read lots of books, watched movies/documentaries, studied and read websites (tired of thinking about drinking, Mrs. D is going without, unpickled etc). , listened to podcasts (Bubble Hour). I gave myself a break and told myself that all I needed to do was not drink. It was okay to binge on netflix and eat unhealthily for a while if I could stick to not drinking. I signed up for a 100 day challenge to not drink. I exercised and got outside for a walk everyday.
Days passed and added up. As I got through social occasions without alcohol, I saw that I was capable of doing it and I gained confidence and strength in the belief that I could do it.
It is a lie that we believe that alcohol is a need in our life and that it sustains us. In fact, it drags us down and takes our self confidence. You can do it so gather your tools and start your research!
