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Getting by.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Maybe CBT comes easy to me because I have lower expectations. So some days I get surprised. The electric tiller I bought works real well. I did the bed in the little green house. It is only 16' x 4'. And I never chewed up the cord. A definite labour saver. I like it when things work.

I'm tired now but today was a good day. I moved snow from around the big green house so we can change the plastic on it and went to the library for more movies.

Today is one of those days I'm glad I have left overs I can just heat.

Might make a cake tonight, maybe Zucchini. A treat for going to town even though I didn't want to.

Davit

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Today I cleaned the oven. Did you know you can take the door off to make it easier. I can't kneel on my artificial knees so taking the door off and sitting on a chair works for me. No, I don't use the self clean feature. But I could. That costs money. I'd rather spend it making a pumpkin pie. (next project) It is all about balance, just like CBT. Just like getting by.

Today was a real nice day and I got to sit outside for a while. Two good days in a row. I'll probably be tired or sore or both tomorrow. Well, no where to go anyway. No where I need to be. I think I'll make that pumpkin pie. that should finish the day nice. It is the last of my home grown pumpkin. I'll have to use carrots for the next one.

Davit.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sort of rained itself out. I spent a little time in my small attached greenhouse sifting soil. I have to add peat moss to it for potting soil. I might check the store and see if they have perlite. Anyway, it is started. Soon the snow will be gone and the tulips will pop out and spring will be here for sure. Another growing season will be here. Do I really want all that work. No but I do want the vegetables and the flowers. I will be out of onions in a week. I have lots of potatoes left and lots of apples. Lots of carrots and enough green beans.

Patches of driveway showing through the ice. Quite a contrast to the tall snow banks around it. The muddy season is upon us.

Bought an electric tiller/cultivator for the green houses. A labour saver. Okay it made the veggies more expensive. They are still better than store bought and cheaper.

Gardening is like CBT, you have to want to do it to get anything out of it. It is work but it is worth it.

Davit.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

What a change.

It is raining pretty good and the wind is blowing pretty hard too. This will get rid of some snow. I love spring but this first part when it is slippery then muddy is not my favourite time by a long shot. That is okay, it will pass.

Davit.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hi Cara

Thank you.

Theres not much different between coping and getting by. Somehow though getting by feels more positive. More a me thing than having to cope, it feels more like I have choice. Just like thinking positive is my choice,

A little like being in love with life. If you get hurt you just pick up the pieces and move on. It is your life and your decisions. Roy Orbison wrote a song, "love hurts" Like loving anything, you take a chance of getting hurt and you will sometimes. I think it is worth the chance.

I'm glad thinking positive is working for you. Every little bit adds up. I know the technical reason why it works, but that isn't important is it. Just knowing it works is.

Today the pain and stiffness is gone and I'm ready to start where I left off. The sun is peaking through the clouds and it is going to be a fine day. ( I just had a vision of all the grumpy people gagging at the thought of me being happy)

Some weeks every day is Friday and I just want them over. At least few are Mondays and most Saturdays.

The weekend cometh and I hope it is a good one for you.

A little note, it is harder to think positive when I am not up to par, but it always passes and goes into the past where it doesn't count. Sucky days just make the good ones so much more to cherish.

Davit

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 169

Hi Davit,

I know how you feel. When something unfamiliar is to me, I get anxiety whether its a like change, any bodily symptoms..anything. CBT helps me just forget them and change though patterns.

Sometimes, when I think about how sucky life is really...I get anxiety. But then I look at the postives, like you've taught me. I count my blessings than I'm okay. Oh how vicious this cycle is.

Hope you're feeling better today, the sun is shining and its Friday.

Have a good day!

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Well I knew it would pass. I made a rhubarb upside down cake with frozen rhubarb from who knows when. Rhubarb keeps well. A taste of spring. It will be one of the first things to harvest and then the asparagus. So I'm fine now just like I knew I would be. But for a while the old thoughts tried to surface. This is good cake I wish I could share it.

See I know CBT works so if I can't convince myself how can I convince you. But I have to remember I have a lot against me. I was the worst case of panic attacks in this valley. And that thought is in my memory. I have a bigger potential to relapse than anyone. I have years of horror in my memory. I also have years of burying them. And all those positive thoughts is what keeps them away. ASD ( acquired stress disorder ) is a very real thing with me. Fortunately it has never been so bad as to become PTSD on a big order. I have a few pieces of memory I can't access. This is beyond a dead file, they are in a locked file and I have no way to get to them. This could be a good thing or a bad thing. With CBT it has become a neutral thing, it doesn't matter. I wish I had of known about CBT years before I did. No guarantee it would have kept me off Ativan but it would have helped me get off easier. So I push CBT but do not frown on medication if it will help to do CBT because to my knowledge CBT is still the only route to total freedom. Meds didn't do it for me. But they did help some. And I'm glad I am off them now. Well not really but I might as well be for how little I use. Unfortunately I have a med for another problem that has panic attacks as a side effect. A very good medication for what it does unfortunately the agitation can be very strong. I have valium in the very smallest dose possible for this just to take the edge off. Equivalent to one fifth of 1 mg Ativan. But longer lasting. My doctor said it was too small to be of any value but he was wrong. But then he knows nothing about CBT. I'm glad the pain wasn't so bad as to need Morphine because withdrawal for me is horrible. Almost as bad as anything portrayed on TV. They do exaggerate a bit but not by much. Sometimes life sucks but only as much as you let it. For all other situations there is cake.

Davit

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Oh my God.

I might be reaching out there. :-) I am so sore, and have been all day. My muscles are so sore and my joints so swollen it is making me weak and clumsy. And it hurts of course. But worse is the the anxiety that comes with it. Of course I know what it is so it isn't as bad as it could be. This is where I'm supposed to think I'm dying right. Well it only feels like it. The thing is that when I think about it I think only that it is a nuisance trying to get around like this. Tomorrow or this evening it will be better, I've taken the meds to make it better. Oh I still have the negative thoughts and in my case they would be that life isn't worth living like this. In times past they were so strong I volunteered to go to the psych ward. Scary. Makes me shiver. Not as scary as it was then. Well actually not all that scary now. Who would have thought CBT would have done that for me. But it did. Here I am sitting here drinking tea and watching it snow and flipping over all the negative thoughts to their positive side because I don't want them going back into memory. I have been doing this form of CBT for years now and it has continued to work very good with possibly one or two days out of the year still where it isn't enough. I think that will improve. I have a lot of unwanted stuff on my plate as do most of us. I'm still adjusting. Maybe I always will. Any way the point is that I can live with this now where for a while I thought I never would get rid of the triggers and the panic.

It is snowing lightly which I just love since I don't have to go out in it. In fact I don't have to do much of anything today. I will I know because I like to keep busy. Cake would be a nice comfort food.

So I hope you all are having a better day than I am or at least controlling it as well as I am.

Davit

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Vertigo last night but not too bad this morning which was good because I needed to go to the store for a few items. I phoned the store to see if they had cabbage and Cathy said she would bring my groceries to the car if my vertigo was still there. I have an account there. Well I was okay but still she helped and since it was slippery another customer took my groceries to the car. Sounds like a fairy tale? Nope just the way people are here. That is a good part of why I live here. Less stress. I'm not sure if this is the only place like this but it could be. The hell of it is everywhere could be like this. It all just depends on people. Getting by doesn't mean doing without it means adjusting. I find if I'm friendly most people are and if they are not, that is their problem, it won't make me act like them. Getting by can change your anxiety level and make the world look better. It can turn less into more.

Today I had another person say she wished she could come play in my green house this spring. If I had a bigger house I'd invite them all. Hows that for a recluse that jumped at the very thought of being around people. Maybe it just takes the right kind of people. Maybe it is me. What ever it is it sure is better than it used to be. I'm looking forward to scratching in the dirt and growing things. That isn't really getting by, it is taking the time to have fun. Anyone else have a special way to get by?

Davit

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

One of my getting by ways is to stock pile. Like today I bought two bags of cat food instead of one and three boxes of tea. I bought Peat moss also since I was at that store. I really didn't want to go anywhere today but once in the car I was fine. Some days are like that. Not like I couldn't, I've been there, I just didn't feel like it. It was cold out and the road not that good. Today may be crappy but tomorrow may be worse. And if it isn't I have a whole good day to myself. I don't like it when I put things off. Comes from gardening, lost days can't be made up. Unless it is a year round green house.

So I feel better now but still not good. A movie might fix that. Cup of tea will help.

Getting cold again, going down to -22C. I will bring in more fire wood. Hard to believe in a few days it will rain.

Davit

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