Welcome! This is a great place to come and we're glad you've decided to join in. You can vent, whine, ask questions or just read what others have posted. I hope you take advantage of the program, too. It takes a while to get into the swing of doing "homework" on a daily basis, but it helps. Again, we're glad you're here.
Lance: I'm sorry you're so down right now and can't seem to even see out of the hole. I have found that the bad thoughts and depression stay with me longer and make more of an impact on me that good things that happen or happy thoughts. I don't know why, but it has always seemed that way. You might be making progress but can't see it because of focusing on the depression and the way it makes you feel. When you become aware of something good or a nice feeling, try to focus on it and visualize the way it makes you feel. It will become a "memory" if you hold onto to it for a while and you can return to that place and feeling if you need to. These can be little things, Lance, for instance the sun shining, a green light when you're driving, kids laughing and fooling around at the mall, etc. You pick out the things that make you smile or feel good. Please hang in there and keep us all posted. We care and want to see you break out of this gridlock you're in.
Pete: I do have to reply to something you wrote. The poor decisions you made were not made poorly on purpose, were they? Didn't you feel at the time you making the best decision you could under the circumstances? Unfortunately, we don't see the outcome of some of our decisions until a long way down the road. I made a bad decision 28 years ago when I married an abusive man. It wasn't long into the marriage that I realized this but I stayed for 28 long years. That was also a bad decision. This experience has resulted in a 20+ year battle with depression, but I don't blame myself for my depression. I made my decision to stay as long as I did for my two sons who were a result of this marriage which was what I thought was a good decision at the time. I can see now that it probably wasn't a very bright thing to do, but at the time I really thought I was doing the right thing. Can you stop beating yourself up over decisions that you probably made way back when and which at the time you thought were the best? We've all done it.
I'm very impressed with everyone being able to find a positive thing in their day to post. I just can't seem to find anything positive these days. :-(
But, congratulations go out to Goofy on her new job (and getting through the chaos and calamity of the other day), Happy Birthday wishes to furgitit and kudos to Sid for her wonderful sense of giving.
I'll try again tomorrow for something positive to post.
I really dread weekends because they're very lonely and I have too much time on my hands to think. Even when I plan things for the weekend to make it busy, my depression usually wins over and I end up backing out of most of the activities I had planned. Yesterday I knew I was going to have a bad day as I wanted to get in touch with my Ex-H (who is my toxic person), so I tried to call one brother, who was not available, my other brother who was not available, my mother, who was not available and my son who lives here in the states, who was on his way to a friend's wedding and couldn't talk to me. He did tell me, however, not to get in touch with the Ex-H. I got a call back today from both brothers and I didn't answer the phone, and my mother left me a message and I haven't returned her call. I feel as if they don't really comprehend what this depression thing is all about because they all live so far away, they don't see it. If I have a good day, they think I'm "cured." If I have a setback, they seem to get exasperated with me. They can't understand why I still want to get in touch with the Ex after all the hurt, lies and pain he has caused. In fact, I don't understand it either. Why would I want to do such a thing? Because he's the only one who's nearby? I hate living all alone 1,000 miles away from all of my family and being in a deep state of depression. I get angry at them for living their own lives and not bothering with me until I try to call them.
This has just been a bad weekend and I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow.
Thanks for the reply, Ashley. I haven't given them any literature to read, but I've tried to explain to them what I'm going through. They seem to understand at the time I'm explaining, but then a week later when I'm having a setback, all that knowledge has appeared to have blown out the window as far as they're concerned. It's very frustrating for me to keep telling them what I'm going through and what it's like. I will just take it a day at a time and when I see them over the upcoming holidays, perhaps I can explain my "illness" to them again, in person.
Thanks, Goofy. No, I did not call him and I'm so pleased that I didn't. It would have been a major setback and a big mistake. Like I said, he's toxic to me.
I've just been going through some of the information I've read so far on this site, and I think you're right about having info in hand when I talk to the family. I just might copy some info off and distribute it to them while I'm talking. The image that creates in my mind is making me smile. Of course, I do think that not seeing them on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis puts them out of touch with the reality of my condition. Also, being 1,000 miles away, I can sense their awkwardness over the telephone when I'm needing support and they're not here to give it. It does make it difficult. I'm not making excuses for anyone, but I am trying to be practical about the situation.
Thanks so much for your support, Goofy, and your kind words.
Lance: Even though you have trouble getting up in the morning, you do get up eventually and I'm happy to see that you are reaching out by coming here and posting. This is a good positive sign. If that is all you can do right now, just know that we are all friends here and all in the same "boat." Tomorrow morning, try again to get up with the alarm. If you aren't able to, get up when you can and come here and post. We care, Lance. Also, I'm happy to see that you are working the program. It really helps.
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