Starting over again
Ralph, I think it is difficult to find a therapist that as Wildcat indicated is up to par with those of us intelligent enough to thoroughly learn about our disease and also to realize that we are ultimately responsible for what occurs in our treatment. The first point I'd like to make regarding therapist is one size doesn't fit all and it's like any other doctor (to me anyway), I have to be able to relate to them, them listen and give feedback that helps me, I think I should have a say in what I do medically and should have the information to make choices. The other thing I realized after some time was that I was sabotaging my own treatment because I knew and had studied like you. I'd give the "right" answers and not what was really going on....something for you to think about. I told this therapist up front that I do that (very difficult confession of sorts) and he calls me on it. I need that.
As for medication, I think you've accepted that it may be something you need forever. I know we all fight this battle at one point in our lives. I remember I got "well" once and didn't need my medication....my psychiatrist objected, but I insisted and ultimately crashed and burned(called him and scheduled an appointment).
The job thingy, I am working well below my former salary as a counselor in the second to lowest position that there is at the facility I work at. They have offered me a position as a counselor but I know I am not ready for that. I started out working just two days a week and after almost a year moved to full-time - slowly moved to full time. I then had an opportunity to move up so I took it. Yes, it is a kick in the pants, but it was that or sit at home and feel sorry for self. I know one day I may be able to move up front and that opportunity will be there as a counselor, but one step at a time. This depression thing is new to me - dx in 2004.
It helped me to know that I was not alone in the issues that I faced. One thing I've learned from being on this website is that many people have had the same experience with therapist, work and getting "well". The hardest thing I had to do is to accept me as the person I am today, not look back and not project into the future. This is very difficult, so I take it one day at a time. I maintain a healthy fear that I will not return to where I was when this all started.
The religion thing - well, I am a spiritual person and I figure God has a plan for me too. I don't know what it is, but it obviously includes the trials and tribulations of being depressed, so I accept that. I think one day I will know why, but in my spiritual beliefs, it is His will, in His time and not mine (that's a hard one and a day to day thing too). I do know I have to do my part.
Hope this gives you food for thought, feel that you are not alone and encouragement in obtaining work. Going back to work was one of the best decisions I made even if it was below my education/experience level. I am working and I have goals. Some days it is just to get up and go to work. I know you know what I mean. I could not work at my former counseling position with my current level of functioning. Hope- it doesn't mean I won't one day!
Hang in there Ralph
