I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago, but it took ten years to reach that diagnosis, which is fairly typical. We go to the doctor when we are depressed, not when we're manic, so the other half of the illness often goes unidentified and untreated. In my case, I suffer from radical mood swings and severe irritability, and can function on only a few hours sleep during the manic phase. There are also those occasional times of sheer elation--a kind of natural high that no one would want to be "cured" of. The tricky part about bipolar is that, as the symptoms listed indicate, depression is embedded within the disorder, and it takes good communication between patient and physician to untangle the two conditions.
To make matters more complicated, there are two kinds of recognized bipolar disorder: bipolar I and bipolar II. The second is characterized by hypomania (a less extreme form of mania), but in some cases the distinction is still a very tough one to make.
Lastly, treatment for bipolar (like any disorder, I suppose) is a process. I discovered, for instance, that although bipolar involves depression, bipolar medications don't always treat the depression itself, so a combination of bipolar and antidepressant drugs may be necessary.
I would like to hear from members who have bipolar and have been going through the CBT program. Do the exercises work as well for the highs as for the lows?
Thanks
Lady,
I, too, struggle mightily with anxiety, which my doctor says is a symptom of depression. It's been one of the real challenges in my treatment program. I have to take anti-anxiety meds (Xanax XR) along with an antidepressant (Cymbalta, which also treats anxiety) to keep a lid on all of it.
I suppose anxiety falls under the symptom category of "restlessness"--that inability to stop the incessant flow of thoughts and worries. It's absolutely one of the worst symptoms of depression for me, but also one that I hope will respond well to CBT.
Thanks
Lady,
It sounds like you have panic disorder, not just anxiety disorder. One of those fine lines these mood disorders walk! I went through that as well and took clonazepam (which I think is Klonipin) for awhile. I definitely have experienced the shortness of breath, but thankfully it only lasted for a short while.
A good book to read that helps dispel any notion that mood disorders are limited to the less intelligent is "Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament". The author makes a cogent case for a connection between high artistic skills and bipolar disorder.
JenJen,
You say you have doubts about the bipolar diagnosis. Any particular reason?
If it is any consolation, it took awhile before my doctors figured out that the bipolar medication was not enough, and had to be supplemented with a more specific treatment for depression and anxiety as well.
I can definitely relate to the contrast you see between the good life around you and the deep struggle inside. When we try to rationalize our depression, it just doesn't make logical sense. We think we have every reason to be happy but can't square that observation with how we feel.
One reason I'm drawn to programs like this is that CBT and other pro-active therapies help me work on my thinking processes, in hopes of bringing them out into the open so I can literally see what and how I'm thinking (through journaling, for example, or even posting responses and questions in these forums). For me, the challenge of depression has always been a matter of control--mostly battling the sense of helplessness--and trying to will my way out of it. Conventional wisdom says we can't will our way out of it, but I do think, perhaps in conjunction with medication and ongoing expert care, we can gain some semblance of control. At least I have to believe we can.
I wish you the best and hope you find these forums useful.
Lady,
I had a therapist tell me once that the world only wants to allow illness to occur below the neck. If we have high blood pressure, we don't question the need to take blood pressure meds. If we have an infection, we readily take antibiotics. By the same token, I think depression is just an illness above the neck and has to be treated as an illness. Even "crazy" is an illness, if by crazy we mean severe mental disorders like schizophrenia.
Having said this, I do recall telling my doctor years ago, when I first started treatment, that I thought I was going crazy. But the more I learn about depression, the more informed I become about the illness, the less crazy I feel because I have more specific explanations to account for my behavior and mental state.
Lady,
Good for you! :)
Sometimes I think just having an appointment with a health care provider can give us a lift. I know it makes me feel like I'm being proactive. So much of dealing with depression is fighting the urge to do absolutely nothing, it's nice to see something positive coming over the horizon--even if it's just a doctor visit.
AKC4040,
I work at an institution of high education, and I can tell you that students often tell me about their struggles with depression. Of course, they don't know that I, too, have my own struggles, which makes me sympathetic, but I would guess that your Dean and the profs will have heard of people like "us" before.
Be confident. Be honest. Educate them a little, if needed, about the real effects of depression and anxiety. And let us know how it goes.
JenJen,
I don't think "obsessing over the need to understand" is a bad thing. That's the part of you that is not depressed trying to figure out the part of you that is. It's the part of you that has "high expectations" and "high hopes."
I've always thought my depression was a battle between the real me and the depressed me, or the well me versus the sick me. Sometimes (and this may be happening to you) the "well" me pushes too hard when what I need is time to rest and heal.
Now that you've written out many of the "bad" things happening to you, maybe it would help to write out your hopes and expectations as well?
Take care!
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