Teebs, I can identify with your feelings of lonliness. Over the past few years I have managed to make the 'ripples in my pond' diminish. I can honestly say that I have at the moment no close friends. I have lots of people I can chat with and say hello to, but this is no substitute for a friend to confide in and share my hopes and dreams and fears with. So, I can identify with that lonely feeling you are experiencing. I should add that I do have my husband and that he does and doesn't count as a close friend (he has to listen to me afterall : )
When I think about your work 'friends' I suspect that they probably fall under the 'good time Charlie' category where they are game to socialize and have fun, but aren't really interested in true friendship which comes with responsibilities and a giving back and forth over time and over some lighthearted and some tough times. I think that while it is hurtful, the goodtime Charlies aren't connected enough to you to be considered in the 'inner circle' of that ripple in the pond. gosh I love that analogy, Sunny123. I think that when you are ready, you will make a new circle of friends and find new people to socialize with.
When I left my job on a stress leave several years ago now, I felt the isolation just as you do. Even the closest friend I had there did not contact me. I suspect taht my own stressed out behaviour either pushed her away or scared her. she kept her distance, but never stopped caring. There may be some people at your work who just don't know how to talk to you or know what to say.... I guess you either have to ask them flat out, or move on to other friendships, or both.... I wish you well on your journey. You can always talk to me about loneliness, I suffer from social anxiety but try to fake it most of the time. I can relate to how bad it feels sometimes to just want a friend to confide in. Someone who gets you, and who you feel safe with.
I'm trying to sort out some of my feelings with a new counsellor I was supposed to meet this Monday. I got to the place early and spent almost an hour working through a CBT and Self Esteem book that I bought. I headed into this quiet house which has been converted to a mental health facility. First off, I was nervous being out at night by myself. Then, I was nervous because this was a new therapist and a man. I ducked in to use the washroom before the therapy and this man followed be out to the lobby. It turns out he was the therapist. He told me I was almost forty minutes late for my appointment. I was so embarrassed and totally apologetic. I was also fuming with anger since I was pretty sure he had written the time down wrong. I squashed the anger I was feeling and apologized profusely which made me feel ingenuine, to say the least.
The therapist said I could come into his office for "a quickie" -- his words, not mine -- which made me feel uncomfortable, and when we sat down he basically just pulled up his calendar to book the next appointment. Then I left cursing myself and him and relieved that I didn't have to talk to him. I went home and checked my notes -- they all said seven. I remember asking him twice on the phone what time and date because my thinking is fuzzy sometimes. My husband even said I had said seven consistently (and he often blames me for mistakes so that was surprising to find him backing me up.)
Anyhow, the long and the short of all this detail is that I just received a voice mail message asking if I could change the appointment to next Thursday (I told him Mondays were my only days). Do I drop this guy? Am I being unreasonable? Sometimes it is hard for me to monitor my own thinking and reactions. I am also not sure....did I intentionally mess up the time? And, why am I so bothered and nervous by the fact that it is a man? I just don't know if this is worth the worry it is causing me.
I admit that I have low self esteem and that I suffer from depression. I also admit that I have been suffering from panic attacks and crippling anxiety for years now. BUT, I also see a pattern that is becoming increasingly clear as I age. It seems to me that there is this hormonal side to my anxiety levels. I believe in the whole 'mind over matter' concept of anxiety, but can it be possible that sometimes matter (my body and its hormones) is in the driver's seat and my mind is at the mercy of whatever chemical soup is cooking up in there?
I have a gp that doesn't see this. I am being sent to talk therapy again. I want help. I don't want to talk. I want to get rid of this feeling that is always hovering if not downright attacking.
I don't know what the rest of you are like, but my panic and depression go in cycles. Sometimes I am fairly well functioning and can handle most of what life throws at me. I never actually get to the stage where I am anxiety free, but there are times where it is almost 'asleep', almost gone. Then, as in right now, things build and I am at the breaking point again.
I currently work full time. I have worked full time for most of my carreer, but that hasn't always been easy. I am cycling through a particularly bad patch of anxiety right now, and I have a doctor's note in hand. I will be starting part time work as of the end of April. It was not an easy decision. It has cost me a lot in both my pride and my finances, but what choice do I have?
I have a seven year old daughter and a wonderful husband. I love them both and they make my home life worth the stress of my worklife. I am hoping to overcome this anxious life I now lead. I am hoping someday to get past the psych out that always seems to happen to me. I want to be that carefree little person I once was...or at least think I was. Perhaps I have been a worry wart for my whole life and just not known it.
Anyhow, I am thrilled to be here and to have a voice. I am sad that we all need this kind of support, but grateful that it is here.
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