I guess you write a lot of great stories in each forum. You should write a book. I'm observant too, sometimes doing this wasn't a great thing for me(saw too much), but I'm not as great as you at explanations of observations... but I'll get there. I was always to myself too... didn't get to being a recluse until now, but I never talk. My mom said she worried if I ever will, because my first words were so late. But this changed when I got married.. I led a different life, always out with people and parties, but I guess it just didn't fit for me either, and I now know I prefer the slow life too. I felt like I was more of a relaxed person before... I notice how many people who tend have anxiety disorders had anxiety since childhood, but this wasn't really much of the case for me, I was always frightened at speaking and other things but I was able to steer and control around it. But I don't know, maybe I just hid this all well from myself. Maybe I was ok with the me before I lived the fast life, and once I tried that, I started to compare... I don't know, something like that. Haha..
Thanks Davit and Sunny. These days I feel like the reward is all these accomplishments themselves. I find it hard for me to reward myself with any other material things.
Today I was able to take care of another errand as I've posted in another forum. I am very happy. The pattern I'm seeing about myself from these exposures is that I have the most trouble when I enter the buildings and staying for a long time. I have the most trouble in enclosed places when there are people around. My problem used to be mainly getting to this point(being in a moving vehicle) but I think I am tackling this very well. My next step is how I will stay involved. Staying in the situation and being ok with myself in the enclosed places. My anxious thoughts during these times... are that I don't want people to see me (acting weird). I feel like I become sensitive of the smell inside, and I don't want to breathe the smells or I think there may be a lack of oxygen or something. I don't really realize myself thinking this at the time, but I just know I always want to be out of the place or I hope nobody talks to me because I'm afraid I may not be able to keep up with the conversation. I don't want to interrupt them if I ever have an attack during.
I didn't get too much hugs either, but I always thought that was normal when I was younger. My sister and mother always had fights so I tried my best to be the 'good' kid and I was. In that sense, I was 'forgotten' because my parents never had to scold me. My parents always joke about how differently they've raised us, especially the way we ate, they stuffed food into my sister's mouth vs. for me they put the food before me on the table and left it at that. Do you have siblings too?
I loved that movie, A Beautiful Mind. We all have beautiful minds... we have extra senses that work well that we tend to feel/think more things than what the average people do.. or we just admit it more than the average people. I used to get depersonalization when my panic was at it's worst.. during eating. I couldn't feel the food in my mouth and this freaked me out. I always felt like I wasn't the one in control during episodes of driving too, that is why I can't do it because I'm not confident to say that I can take the responsibility of the moving car... I feel like I'm not the one in control. Do all of you believe in a higher being? I want to believe, but I still can't 100%. I've heard that if we can give up all of our controls to someone else (ex. higher being) then we can be less nervous. We are all just very responsible... this is not a bad thing, unless, it drives you around.
Ashley that is nice advice I'd like to borrow. Thanks
Loved ones give me a lot of pressure too to be the best that I can, and I try to see this as a good thing to keep me going. but sometimes showing that your are not 'perfect' is a relief to loved ones too. I always forget this though.
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