Hello. Of course I am new here. I have had one very serious panic attack about 9 years ago, and wee little ones and anxiety about it since.
Here is my story as I see it.
My husband became distant right after we got married. He prefered the attention of newer suituations, being the center of attention, I was old news so to speak. When this started to happen I felt lonely, sad, confused, and was shamed by him for feeling this way, so I began to lose my self esteem. I think this is how I developed panic and anxiety, as I started questioned myself constantly for feeling distressed about our relationship and when talking to him about it I was told I was crazy and imagining things. I always thought myself a strong person, trusted my gut. But I am not really that person any more.
We recently moved from the city to a small mountain town, I thought this would be great bring us closer together. My husband is very social, in 2 bands, volunteers at the local college radio station. I am the opposite. I like to go out to the odd show, or event but not every weekend. I have a fear of the BIG PANIC ATTACK that happens after midnight, so must leave before then. This bothers my husband greatly because the party just starts going at midnight. I self medicate with alcohol as it makes me more fun and stay out longer, as I've been told. This is not a good path to be on as this has started to get me in trouble as I get upset with my distant, emotionally unavailable husband at the end of the evening. Which then adds to my anxeity in the long run.
I wish I could get my confidence back and not panic about my panic, which increases my need for my husband, which increases his need to get away from me. I wish my husband could show empathy for me and listen to me and my thoughts. I wish I could just shake this feeling out of my head and go back to me, me who I was, me who was not affraid of anything, me who was confident.
So, basically I panic about panic happening. I have anxiety for what happens if it happens again and I'm alone, or I have to bother my husband with it. I have anxiety for what people might think of me if I'm not fun. I have anxiety to not live up to expectations of others. I have heavy shoulders.
This site looks good to help me with this. Thanks for listening. One other thing. I have looked into my panic anxiety before and I have found that it makes me more crazy and anxious the more I work with it. I don't really get that?
