CBT Day €“ Communication, Part II

Members, On Sunday, we asked you to take notice and keep track of your communication style. Now that you€™ve identified your problem areas and patterns, we will now begin exploring the art of assertive communication. This skill is also helpful if you are currently struggling with anger management. If you€™re willing to try to experiment with being more assertive, here are some strategies to help you get started: Perspective taking In order to be more assertive in your personal and professional relationships, you€™re going to have to get better at understanding where they might be coming from. In order to get better at taking the other person€™ perspective you might start by asking yourself these questions: €¢What could this situation look like from his/her perspective? €¢What does she/he want or need from me in this situation? €¢What is he/she getting from me in this situation? €¢How can I attend to his/her needs in this situation? Take a time-out When you start to feel angry, agree to take a time-out to cool down. Taking a break from the situation will also give you time to think about, identify problems in communication, do some perspective taking and begin brainstorming solutions. For important discussions, try to plan them at a time where you and the other person involved are likely to be in a relaxed, open state and frame of mind. Ask questions Good communicators ask a lot of questions. Instead of trying to mind read, ask the person what they need, want or how they feel about the situation at hand. Good communicators ask for feedback about how what they say and do affect others. Listen Asking questions is great but you also have to really listen to the answers you receive and keep asking and listening until you think you understand what they need or want to the best of your reasoning. We now invite our members to ask questions and/or post comments! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

hi there!

Hello Cael and welcome to the site! Please read through the program and through all the great educational information. Members are very supportive and have great advice and suggestions. Don't hesitate to post or to ask questions, we're here to help! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

I'm feeling panicky

Maggie, Below are ten questions you may find helpful in challenging your anxious thoughts: The following ten questions will help you to challenge any anxious thoughts. When you have an anxious thought, answer some of these 10 questions: 1. Is it "true"? 2. How do I know it€™s true? 3. Is it 100% true? (remember something that is 75% or 99% true is not 100% true) 4. What's the evidence for it being true? 5. What€™s the evidence against it being true? 6. Has it ever happened before? 7. What's different now? 8. If it were true, how bad would it really be? 9. What's the worst thing that could happen? 10. If the worst thing happened, how bad would it really be? Please feel free to add any tips or strategies you find helpful when trying to challenge your anxious thoughts. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

I'm feeling panicky

Maggie, We do not diagnose, we are here for support and to answer general questions, if you would like more information, you can speak with your health care provider for more details. Keep persevering, Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Weekend Prep.

Members, The support group is a fantastic avenue for support and knowledge. There are many members that know what you are going through and by reading and posting you can begin to learn from one another€™s experiences. Post your success stories, concerns and watch the support and knowledge flow in. Need some more support; don€™t forget to use the IM Messenger! This feature can help you connect with others on a one to one basis and give you extra support everyday. We are here to guide you every step of the way and help you along this journey, to meet and achieve your goals. Use the weekend to connect via posts and the IM Messenger. Set up a time to get on the IM and have a session with as many members as possible. We encourage you to get every bit of support available; it can assist you with your journey. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Good news; and a bit panicky about work!

wrestler1, So great to hear the good news! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

CBT Day €“ Communication, Part IV

Members, This week we asked you to keep track of how many times you are falling into problematic communication patterns. Today, we will explore a few more counterproductive communication patterns€¦ Kitchen Sinking Kitchen sinking is what happens when an argument about one small thing becomes an argument about everything. For example, an argument about whose turn it is to do the dishes, take out the garbage or change the baby becomes an argument about always and never. When things really get going, everything from the past gets dragged up again including old disagreements and hurts, parents and in-laws and€¦the kitchen sink. The problem with €œkitchen sinking€ is that the problem grows from a relatively simple argument into an argument about everything. As a result people get angry and frustrated and lose track of what the dispute is really about. The solution to this problem is to recognize kitchen sinking when it€™s happening and to try to keep the dispute focused on the specific situation. If one person can recognize kitchen sinking when it€™s happening and hold back from making the argument about everything, then both people have a much better chance of being able to focus on the specific problem at hand. Counterpunching Counterpunching often goes with kitchen sinking. While kitchen sinking is about the content of what people are saying, counterpunching is about how people are arguing. When people counterpunch during a dispute, they answer a complaint with a complaint. So instead of recognizing, acknowledging and talking about a problem with what they€™ve said or done, they €œhit back€ at the other person with a complaint of their own. For example: €¢ You never take out the garbage €¢ You never cut me any slack €¢ You€™re just lazy €¢ I always have to do everything €¢ You don€™t appreciate how tired I am when I get home €¢ Somebody has to work to pay the bills €¦and on and on and on it goes. As it is with kitchen sinking, the problem with counterpunching is that the dispute quickly becomes about everything. Everybody feels terrible and nobody€™s willing to admit to any problem as their own. As for kitchen sinking, the solution to this problem is to recognize counterpunching when it€™s happening and try to keep the dispute focused on the specific situation that€™s happening right now. If one person can recognize counterpunching when it is happening and hold back from trying to €œhit back,€ then both people have a much better chance of being able to focus on the specific problem at hand. Mind Reading Mind reading is what happens when you assume that you know what another person is thinking and feeling. Mind reading is often a problem in long-term relationships because after we get to know another person really well, we can start to fool ourselves into thinking that we know what they€™re thinking and how they€™re feeling. Mind reading can become a big problem because when you mind read you€™re assuming that you know what another person is feeling and thinking when you do not. As you can imagine, this can be a big problem in depression because depressed people tend to see the worst in situations and assume the worst from others. When people feel that their needs are not being met in a relationship, they start to assume that the other person is only looking after their own needs and is generally unhappy in the relationship. If you€™re mind reading in this way it makes it hard to see any communication as being positive because you can always imagine that the other person is only trying to get what they want (try a Thought Record on that one!). Mind reading is usually a mistake. An important part of being assertive is being able to ask for clarification and feedback about what other people are thinking and feeling, as well as what they want and need. When in doubt about what somebody is thinking or feeling, ask! Mind reading is bad for your health! Digging In Digging in is what happens when both people in a dispute refuse to change their position. The result is a stand-off in which neither person is willing to back down because of a rigid and moralistic position, belief that they are 100% right, pride or the belief that if they give in they will be taken advantage of. Some relationships can get to a point where most disputes end with both people digging in. Both people start to see all of their disputes in terms of winning or losing and both start to keep track of wins and losses. This pattern is extremely harmful to relationships because people start to lose trust and the willingness to compromise. Relationships without trust and compromise usually aren€™t very happy and don€™t last very long. The solution to this problem is to get better at perspective taking and compromising. We encourage you to keep tracking your communication patterns. How many times have you fallen into these problematic communication patterns? As you track, don€™t forget to note the 5 W€™s of your anger: Who was there? What happened? Where did it happen? And why did it happen? Don€™t forget to share your results here and to tune in on Sunday when we will begin discussion solutions to these problems! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Can't handle the news or negative info

Great suggestion Maggie, Jen try to stay focused on positive events, reinforcing these will help make the news a little more enjoyable and not as much of a stressor. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Weekend Prep.

Members, It€™s already the end of another month! Have you experienced any success, of course you have! €¢Take the time to acknowledge the day-to-day success. €¢Look at your Panic Diary and see the positive differences. €¢Share with others and be proud of what you are accomplishing. It doesn€™t have to be a large number either, share how you feel, how you look and what you are doing to push forward to achieve your goals. Sharing your tips and tools can help others through their own journey and we can always learn from one another. Get sharing today! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Hello

Hello Mike, welcome to the group! You're right, it can take some time to find what works best for each individual. We're here to help so continue working through the program, ask questions and post often! Keep persevering! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator