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Struggling with trust


Ashley -> Health Educator
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Hi A.

What a great discussion topic! I think so many people can relate to this inability to trust after trust has been broken. It can be such a predicament because uneasy feelings are how we know when we may be unsafe, or when someone might be untrustworthy. When we have those uneasy feelings after trauma it is hard to determine if those feels are accurate or due to a negative core belief. I think some distrust after trust has been broken is actually healthy. It will take time and work to heal that broken trust. I think it is amazing your partner is being so patient and understanding. The fact that you can openly talk about your intrusive thoughts makes me hopeful that you can heal with your partner.

It might be helpful for you to use 10 questions to challenge anxious thoughts when you have feelings of distrust. The questions can be found in session three of the Anxiety program and here:

  1. Is it "true"? 
  2. How do I know it’s true? 
  3. Is the anxious thought 100% true? (Something less than 100% true is not true) 
  4. What's the evidence for it being true? 
  5. What's the evidence against it being true? 
  6. Has it ever happened before? 
  7. What's different now? 
  8. How bad would it really be? 
  9. What's the worst thing that could happen? 
  10. If the worst thing happened, how bad would it really be?


I find these questions to be great in using logic to challenge your anxious thoughts. I also find the last few questions can be very freeing to think about but also potentially very triggering. If you find yourself getting upset about some of your thoughts, please be sure to do some grounding work after. How do you try to ground or sooth yourself? I recommend abdominal breathing, mindfulness, and connecting with our senses.

I would love to hear all your thoughts on all this.

I would also love to hear other members thoughts on this topic of having difficulty trusting. Please post if you can relate!

Take care,

Ashley


PHMA04
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a month ago 0 PHMA04 2 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo

Due to trauma in my past between my parents, I feel like I have adapted the same paranoid and anxious thoughts as my mother now has. It's so frustrating because no matter how good something is going in my life, in my head I am always reminded that everything looked perfect between my parents, but meanwhile my dad was leading this double life with extramarital affairs and we had no idea until years later. And I know that not everyone is my dad, but it seems like I just can't shake the feeling that something is going on, and I find myself searching for these things. My current boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and I love him to bits. About 4 months in I had found out he was talking to another girl inappropriately and even though since then he has done nothing but show me he would never do that again (let's me look at his phone if I ever feel I need to, asks me to communicate whenever I am feeling upset, has taken that specific girl out of his life, etc.) but I am still on edge always wondering if he is somehow still sneaking around. And it makes me feel like a crazy person especially seeing how it impacts our partnership. He is so amazing to me and is patient about my invasive thoughts, but I feel like it's not fair to him to never give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially because I always told my mum she either needs to forgive (but not forget) my dad and move on together, or if she can't, she has to end things. But here I am, hanging on to these constant feelings and I feel as though I can't control them even if I wanted to. This pattern has ruined many of my past relationships and I just don't want to push anyone else away.

Does anyone have insight or advice with this?

A.


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