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My common-law boyfriend of 10 years left me


6 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi ChristineD,

I am very sorry to read this. I can see how you would be very upset. The fact that your partner left with no explanation after 10 years is cruel and disrespectful of what you two had together. It is normal to feel hurt and even abandoned after that treatment. It is understandable that you want to make it work despite his treatment of you as his leaving could trigger any attachment issues or insecurities you may have. Detaching in any relationship is hard but when it is done so coldly I can see how the pain would be even worse. 

Accept your feelings. Grieve the loss of the relationship. Really put some thought into what you got out of the relationship and how the relationship harmed you. If you can write this down this can help with clarity. From the brief little bit you wrote it sounds like you felt used and depressed during the relationship so I want you to think about these questions:

Do you miss your ex partner as an individual or do you just miss a relationship with someone? Do you want him back due to fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear or rejection or some other fear? When we make choices based on fears it is very unlikely we will make fulfilling life choices. What do you want out of a relationship? How would you describe a healthy relationship? What are your needs and were those needs being met when you were with him? If he did chose to come back you would likely feel good at first but what would happen after? Would the arguing continue? Would you be able to tolerate some of his behaviour? Do you think it is healthy if you were to "tolerate" certain behaviours?

I hope you are hanging in there and taking care of yourself. It is a tough time now but it will get easier once you think through what you need and want.



Ashley, Health Educator
6 years ago 0 3 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I have also been emailing and texting him and no replies. He is being so cold and it is making it worse. I just want to fix this ad get back together...but I don't think he wants that anymore. Over the years he has left and come back...this time he said it's done.
6 years ago 0 3 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Our relationship started while he was depressed and struggling with addiction. I had just been recently divorced when I met him and he was just out of a relationship. Over the years we become co-dependant and I became his enabler. We struggled every year - while he was being an addict, I was struggling with HIS addiction, and the lying and staying out for nights. There were good times together, but mostly fighting over those negative things. This has caused me to change over the years, become more depressed, feeling used and worthless. More recently I would get extremely upset at his lying and behaviour and sneakiness. The feelings of resentment and dealing with this left me so stressed and depressed. A couple weeks ago while I was at work, he left to go live with his friend. No note or anything. I have talked to him since and he is cold and is blaming me for everything and for treating HIM badly. Although the relationship was more bad than good...i found myself calling him and texting him and basically begging him to come back. I felt so alone and sad and useless. I don't want to do anything or eat anything. I dont want to go to work and when I do I don't get anything done. I just want him to come back to ease these feelings and make me feel wanted. He basically said he can't live with the arguing and how I make him feel anymore. I feel that I put up with so much and never left him. But suddenly he just ups and leaves me.What is wrong with me?! Why do I want him to come back and why can't I snap out of it?

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