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11 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thank you for sitting with it ~m.
 
I know you won't want to hear this but you deserve to see yourself as you really are.
 


Ashley, Health Educator
11 years ago 0 1022 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
What's coming up now? You mean besides my lunch?  
 
I'm not kidding.  I feel sick to my stomach when I hear myself described in such positive light.
I want to hide, shut down, run away...  but I am breathing through this feeling instead.  I can stay here and do that because I know such feelings will pass and if I don't run from them... I will learn something... and whatever it is won't kill me or grow bigger and bigger and take over my whole self anymore.  I know that.  I do. 
11 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
~m,
 
I wish I could meet you, look you right in the eye and tell you what I truly think of you: You are so very deserving!
 
Articulate, compassionate, intelligent, giving, analytical, persevering and so much more I see in you. If anyone is deserving then you are.
 
You are deserving.
You are deserving.
You are deserving!
 
I can't say it enough.  Please stop right now and tell yourself, "I am deserving."  
 
What's coming up now?
 

 

Ashley, Health Educator
11 years ago 0 1022 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
good questions Vincenza... I've been pondering them for awhile and I still don't have much in the way of answers.  Gonna ramble a bit here since I'm getting nowhere just talking to myself.  
 
It's true... I don't feel "deserving" of much.  I'm grateful for every bit of positive in my life these days.  It's not about deserving or not deserving though.  It's more about daring to step out of bounds... daring to go beyond "my place".  That was definitely not a wise move during the growing up years.  brought too much attention then ... mostly negative.  And not just for me.  If I stepped out of bounds... often it would mean punishment for other family members.  And that was the worst thing... having my sibs punished for something I did. 
 
I cannot stand to see suffering of any sort and have dedicated my life to serving and supporting anyone within my realm.  Core belief?  That is all I'm supposed to do... be support staff and flogging post for others?   That is where my fulfillment has been found.  
 
yuck. 
 
 
11 years ago 0 1853 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi ~m,  Ashley certainly knows how to ask the tough questions. Good for you for accepting her challenge and doing so much self-reflection.  You have come such a long way!
Regarding the statement 'how dare I.."  I was wondering if you think there is a part of you that feels undeserving?  
When do you catch yourself saying or thinking that way?  What are the circumstances?
Vincenza, Health Educator
11 years ago 0 1022 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Oh Ashley you do have a knack for making my brain hurt   
Good question.  I don't know the answer but if I were to hazard a guess...
um...
well, it sounds like a shaming response.  "How dare you!"
or controlling??? maybe a fear response?
How dare I step out of my proscribed boundaries... cuz there is danger out there?
I think I need some helping finding direction with this one ... I'm soooo confused.
11 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
~m,
 
I did not think you were trashing her at all! And you have a choice to see life as good or not regardless of the negatives and positives going on.  
 
What makes you need to ask "how dare I"? What's there?
 
 

Ashley, Health Educator
11 years ago 0 1022 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thanks Ashley... but I'm sorry you repeated that "Life is good".  After I posted so much positivity yesterday... man was I assaulted by the inner critic.  How dare I say "Life is good" when M is dead and L has cancer and war rages and children are dying...and... and... and... life sux soooo badly!
 
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!  The morning has been about crisis control... about answering the "how dare I" questions.  All that shtuff is still so close to the surface.  It is discouraging when this happens.  I am grateful that I had the morning free to spend time with myself being gentle but firm.  It is ok to feel positive about my life.... it is ok to see the world in a positive manner... I can only change myself and I am doing the best I can with that.
 
I guess I'm glad you used the phrase... another chance to retrain my thinking.  Thank goodness it only took a morning to turn it around and not six months or two years of tangled, buried turmoil!
 
I was also feeling guilty about "trashing" my daughter ... except I wasn't trashing her so much as trying to explain the situation.  In her defense, I am supremely grateful that she entrusted the care of her children to me even though I was an agoraphobic recluse when it began 4 years ago.  She not only helped me financially when I could not work, but she trusted me with her CHILDREN! She gave me purpose and reason to get up and keep going which helped me feel like I was a real person with a real job and real responsibilities.  
 
the process continues........ 
 
 
11 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi ~m,
 
This is great news! It sounds like you have handled this challenging situation with flying colours. You have determined what you want/need and asserted yourself to achieve that. This is a great skill and it takes strength to get to where you are. So kudos to you!
 
It's nice to hear you are excited about the possibilities! Life is good, isn't it?!
 
 
Ashley, Health Educator
11 years ago 0 1022 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Ashley,
 
Applying these techniques has given me the courage to make a major change in my "employment" status.  I have been feeling totally depleted and resentful about the babysitting situation, especially when I realized a third child was on the way.  I think I've probably used ALL of the techniques covered in re-negotiating the expectations of my role as grandparent.  
 
I do not want to be the full-time daycare provider.  I do not want to be the co-parent in charge. It has been a three month long process...  lots of anger and hurt feelings and disappointment and anger and more anger ... but we have worked through most of the awful stuff and are beginning to redefine our mother/daughter relationship as well as that of grandparent.  I want more of a supporting role really.  Now, I have less time with them, as well as less responsibility which leaves room for more PLAY and silliness and spontaneity.   I am much more comfortable doing that and my daughter is beginning to accept the change.   Not happy about it, but accepting.
 
I am very excited about the possibilities opening up, now that I will have more time and more energy for my own life.   Still muddling through some guilt and sadness and tired from all the explaining and negotiating and having to restate new boundaries, but overall... I'm feeling pretty positive about handling this dispute stuff.  Up until this point, my life has been dedicated to not rocking anyone's boat and avoiding any sort of confrontation at all costs.  Guess what?  I did it and the world didn't come to an end.  What a delightful surprise!  Life IS good. 
 

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