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Challenging Social Anxiety


12 years ago 0 36 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Pete.
 
I do appriciate your insight because I know there are a lot of things I am yet to discover about myself and about life in general. My psychologist is 63 years old and has helped me a lot this past year. I do hope to gain knowledge about how I can impove my life and be a better person in the future. I understand that there is so much more that I have yet to experience, and I'm glad I was able to connect to another person.
12 years ago 0 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Craig
 
I appreciate your courage in sharing your feelings and your pain so honestly.  I can only talk from my own experience, but you remind me so much of myself when I was 17.  I, too, had heartbreak and yearning for one particular girl, and didn't have a girlfriend at all until I was 19.  As you say, the simple things that look so effortless for so many people seemed to be denied to me, and I really couldn't understand why and it hurt like hell.
 
But here I am now, I'm 50 (though I still find that hard to believe).  I have a settled relationship, with the first woman I dated (believe it or not) and three fine sons.  I've not really changed - I'm still socially anxious, prone to lashings of self-doubt. I still stress over everyday things and struggle to cope, but my partner accepts me for who I am more than I accept myself.  Now, I do love her, but she's not a saint, not an exceptional special person. She's an ordinary woman, and the world is full of ordinary, kind-hearted people like her.
 
Please, Craig, try and have hope.  Close connections with other people can happen in unexpected ways and not always where or how you think they will.  None of us are so unique that there is nobody with whom we can truly connect, though I know it can feel that way.
 
Enough of the preachy 50 year-old stuff. I know when I was 17 I wouldn't have particularly appreciated it from a stranger, and I still wouldn't.
 
take care
 
Pete
12 years ago 0 36 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thank you Pete for your understanding. I still struggle with social anxiety, but it could be a lot worse. There were times in high school last year where I would stay in the bathroom stalls during lunch because I did not want to be seen by people. Or if were we assigned to do work in groups, I would shake uncontrollably and hyperventilate a little. Of course I would try not to let it show too much. I also had many issues with girls who broke my heart. I spent a greater amount of my time focused on the things that dragged me down like my emotions. I've been deeply hurt so many times and I used to cry nearly every night about it. I would think about that one girl that I have very deep feelings for and I knew that nothing would ever happen because she did not have any feelings towards me. I understand that I am still young, but 17 is an age where it's not uncommon to begin dating. I'm not looking to rush into things like marriage or having children, but I've never even had the feeling of being on a date or holding a girl's hand. It's the simple things that I yearn for the most. Simple, yet seemingly impossible.
12 years ago 0 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Craig
 
I got kind of choked reading your post, because you are describing exactly the way I felt when I was your age (I am 50 now). On reflection, I realised that you're actually describing the way I am now as well. I'm not going to come over all 'wise old guy' on you and dispense advice, I just want you to know that you are most certainly not alone in how you feel.  More people than you probably can imagine feel like you do.  Us socially anxious types tend to feel that we have a great beacon over our heads which makes us conspicuous, whereas in truth most people are too busy with themselves to notice or care.
 
I agree with Vincenza's advice to be yourself.  You are creative, you love music - these are great gifts and enrichers of life.
 
take care and keep posting
 
Pete
 
12 years ago 0 36 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hello again.
 
I have found that not many things make me happy. I don't have many hobbies. I enjoy listening to music, but it's not the kind of music that many people listen to. I rarely find someone with a similar music interest as me. I also write poetry a lot, but haven't had much to write about recently. That's about the only hobbies I have. I need to work on staying positive, because that's a huge problem I have. I am often impatient with friends because after high school is over, people are not going to talk to me because they have their own lives. So I don't make friends with people if I know it will only last for a short time. I don't think that it's worth it. If I have no friends, then I have nothing more to lose.
12 years ago 0 1853 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Craig,
I think the most important advice I can give you is to be yourself.  Life is so much easier when you realize that there is no need to put that kind of pressure on yourself.  Focus on the things you enjoy doing most.
 
What are your interests that you say most other people are not interested in?  
You never know who may share similar thoughts or interests as you.  
 
Highschool is a rough period in life, no doubt.  It's a time when you are figuring yourself out.  The truth is you are young and going to go through many personal changes over time as you evolve through life experiences.  The second piece of advice I can offer is to stay positive.  Positivity will attract others to you.  If you find you struggle with negative thought patterns, then review the toolbox on the DC webpage to help you change your frame of mind.
 
 
I hope you find this helpful.  Check in with us whenever you have questions or need support! We're here for you.
Vincenza, Health Educator
12 years ago 0 36 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hello, Vincenza. Thank you for answering me.
 
I am a high school student and right now I am on summer vacation, so I can't really make any new friends with anybody because I am just at home all the time and there aren't any places to hang out in my town due to the temperature and location. I often get nervous around girls and cannot talk to them in the manner that confident guys do. I do not talk to guys because most guys my age are immature and perverse. I don't have many interests that other people have either. I also have trouble maintaining friends with people because I either get too needy or share too much about myself. This probably makes them uncomfortable and they abandon me. I would like to improve my friend making abilities so I'm not sad and lonely all the time at school. I'm the kinda person that has gotten through entire classes in school without saying more than 3 words to someone the whole semester.
12 years ago 0 1853 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Craig,
Good to hear from you.  One way to start is by using the tools provided on the DC mainpage.  Under 'Toolbox' you will find lots of resources including a section on Relationships.  It takes some time to work through the program, but it is well worth it!  You will learn a lot about yourself and what steps to take to overcome social anxieties and fears.
 
Why do you say you can't make any friends right now?  What is your self-talk when you find yourself in social situations?
 
 

Vincenza, Health Educator
12 years ago 0 36 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi, Ashley. I have a question.
 
I don't really have any friends to hang out with, and I can't make any new friends right now either. What are some ways I can help my social anxiety with people?
12 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Members,

Last time, we had you identify sensitivity & shyness. Today, we will be talking about how to challenge social anxiety using the following techniques:

•    Thought records: Keeping a thought record implies writing down the negative thoughts you experience in social situations and challenging them using the 10 questions for challenging negative thoughts exercise posted below.
•    Exposure work: Exposing yourself to the phobia is key but slowly. This may involve having a friend come over for a short period of time, going out for a short period of time and increasing the level of perceived discomfort with each exposure. To help you along on a list from 1-10 write down the situations, people or places that would make you the least anxious to the most anxious. Next, devise a plan to move you through each level at a stage that is comfortable for you.
•    Communication skills: Don’t forget to review the way you communicate with others. This is helpful skill in any situation! Learning how to communicate with others will also allow you to engage others in conversation resulting in participation as opposed to monitoring your own negative thoughts.

Good luck! We now invite our members to ask questions!
 
Ashley, Health Educator

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