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12 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
loves trees.

When I had an infected disk and was in horrible pain I wanted to kill myself to get away from it. My therapist talked me into going to the psych ward for a rest. There I met people that had actually tried and failed. They all said that at the moment they thought it was the thing to do. My therapist asked me why I never went through with it. I had the opportunity. I know I really did want to escape the pain. But like you I too believe there is always an answer, we just need to find it. I have spent years researching this and other disorders and there is an answer obviously because I am much better. It might not be the right answer or technique for you but if you keep trying things something has to work eventually and really what have you to lose. One good moment even is a success. Something to be proud of. Keep at it, you will find what works for you. And time does pass. Hard to believe It has been five years since I was at my worst. Seems like a long time but it was worth it. The last few years have been fine tuning my skills. More education, more experiments. More amazing discoveries.

Davit.
12 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Ashley,

I don't know if I "chose" this path. I have been seeking help most all my life . that i can remember anyways. I like feeling better (don't we all) and I seem stubborn. I don't stop until I find something that works. I seem to be self propelled to help myself. I am lucky to have this trait. It balances out for some of the other not so great traits I possess. :) 
12 years ago 0 1071 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thanks Deborah!  

Actually my finger is much better today.  I've been soaking it in Epsom's salts and the swelling is down and the bruising is lighter as well.  So, I'm glad I didn't worry about it taking two weeks to get better, it only took two days :)

Shari
12 years ago 0 542 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
What a wonderful inspiring post Shari! It gave me some hope and was so so true, I hope you're finger heals quickly as I am sure it will. I wish it would snow here Davit {it never does} I love snow.
12 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi.

I can not share where I am right now because that is not where I am. The big thing is that I know this and it makes it more tolerably. I am right now in the state that most of you are, maybe even worse. Shari's dragons are circling around looking for a place to attack. They are medication induced dragons not dragons from my memory so they are harder to deal with. I've cut Caffeine and all the other irritants till they go and they will go. It is so strange. My sweetie is in the kitchen happily going about what she is doing and I'm in another room on the verge of freaking out. Knowing that I am normally like she is, is very comforting. And I know as soon as the staph goes back into hiding and I can reduce the medication I will be like that again. It is something to look forward too. I have often mentioned that you can not get rid of negative thought in your memory, you can only bury it. So it is available if you really want it. I am my worst enemy because when I get like this I feel sorry for myself and that opens up that part of memory and I revert whether I want to or not. I may be back to normal in a few days, I might not. The big thing is to keep telling myself that it will pass. Right now I am thinking of all the things I will do when I can walk without pain, when I can get a decent nights sleep without having to have valium to do it. I have started my Tricyclic again more for its pain blocking effect than it's antidepressant effect. The dose is too small for that.

Clear and cold tonight, I prefer snow, it is nice to watch and I find it calming.

Davit.
12 years ago 0 1071 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I chose this path, because I couldn't take anxiety and panic attacks anymore.  I push forward to remain free of panic attacks.  I keep the momentum, because for me, there is no alternative and no going back to my previous state of being.  What helps is all of the positive progress and positive results.

Yesterday, I bent my finger and heard a crack.  My finger swelled up like a balloon and turned purple and had a sharp pain, along with numbness and tingling.  It came out of no where and my anxiety level was a 9 (panic attack being a 10).  I drove to Patient First and hit a red traffic light (where I used to have severe panic attacks) and, because my anxiety level was high I felt like it was going to kick over to panic (which it did not).  I remained in a high state of anxiety during the whole appointment, x-rays, and a baffled doctor who had "never seen a case like this before."  Lovely.  I called my Dad and he said it was a burst blood vessel which I went on line to investigate further, and sure enough, hundreds of people have had it happen and it's harmless and non life threatening.  It may take up to two weeks to recover.  Well, I was exhausted from being in that state of anxiety for so long.  I was sucked into the drama of it all and wondered why I felt so bad and my finger felt worse...Then I realized it was what I was focusing on.  I was focusing on my injury and it seemed to get worse.  Once, I replaced those negative thoughts with positive ones, such as:  It's harmless, not life threatening, this is temporary, I'll be better every day and it's two weeks of an inconvenience at the most.  My finger started feeling better.  It's still purple, it's tingly, swollen, but it is no longer the focus of my attention.  And, putting those coping skills in to action is what turned me around for the better.  I do not look at it as a setback and I'm not hard on myself about it.  Life is not perfect, we have rough days, and easier days.  Sometimes I can recover in a moment, sometimes it takes longer, because of the old habits, to realize what is going on and switch to the new habits.  I hope everyone is doing well and will keep going forward despite random upsets that life throws at you some times.  Don't give up, just because you've had a bad day or week, you will come through it.  I believe in you.

Shari
12 years ago 0 11209 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi everyone!
 
Sometimes it takes the opinion or view of another to clarify your reasons and make sense of it all.  The important concept is that you are working towards a healthier and happier lifestyle.

Take the time to refocus on your motivation.  What made you chose this path? What keeps you pushing forward?  How are you able to keep this momentum? What helped you make this choice?

By sharing, you may have just helped another find the motivation they were looking for and this makes it all worthwhile.
 
Ashley, Health Educator

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