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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

My mind must be elsewhere (on lemon tarts I think) I forgot to congratulate you.

Accomplishments count no matter how small. Set backs don't. Ignore them and enjoy the accomplishments, you are doing very well. Some times it is only your friends that notice but we do.

Here for you,

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

~m, you continue to do so well- and then forget that!

Don't take that as criticism, please! It's just my outsider perspective and reminder to you. I'm really glad this forum is full of great folks with great suggestions for you. Small steps lead to small accomplishments, which then lead to gained confidence and the ability to take bigger steps, etc, etc! So keep at it! You are doing great!!

Is there a way that you can keep your accomplishments closer to the forefront of your mind? Being able to give yourself positive feedback quickly and easily (and frequently) would be good reinforcement of your success, I would think...?

Tiana, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Why would we dwell on the good things, they don't (usually) cause pain. We need to spend more time dwelling on good things. It would certainly help to build positive core beliefs. Think about it how often in your day do you smile or laugh. Bet you can't hold a smile very long. We live in a very serious world of our own making. By the way smiling and laughing at TV doesn't count. How much of your day do you actually have something to smile about. I'm smiling here because of your reaction to reading this.

Here for you,

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Thank you Sunny... love ur bunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi m: I was going to suggest exactly what Debit suggested about the corner store. The more you go outdoors and walk around and meet people, the more your confidence will come back, especially with the little one to take care of too. And driving to that corner store a few times is a great idea. Good luck. Keep the faith and keep practicing.

Your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Thank you Davit & Debi... this helps a lot. So great to have access to different perspectives!

On the issue of no control? No wonder childcare is tricky ground... it surely is not ME who is in control here *sigh* . Actually, I think realizing the anxiety is about lack of control will really help in this situation. Just knowing this... I mean, parts I can control and parts I can't so I need to learn to laugh about it and not feel so ... feel like such a failure when things don't go perfectly.

I know it's not the car anymore. I used to be afraid to drive but have gotten much better. I used to have the kids brought here to me, but now I go to my daughter's house to pick them up. It helps me with getting out of the house and getting more comfortable with the whole loading and unloading the car with kids and their stuff. It also helps my daughter's family have a calmer morning if I go up there and get the kids ready at our leisure after the parents leave.

I love the idea of walking to the corner store! In fact, your suggestion helps me take a look at and appreciate the steps I have already taken here. I did start taking the bb for walks around the neighborhood ... started by just going to the mailbox and now make it a point to walk for at least 10 min., sometimes do 20. AND, last week I was without car and diapers and had to walk to that store to get some. It was nerve wracking, but on the walk home I felt really proud of myself and energized. I forgot that.

Why is it so easy to dwell upon the failures and so very hard to recognize & remember the successes?! Sheeeeesh!

Thank you for helping me see this in a positive light! I guess it CAN be done.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 152

Davit this is an excellent answer as always, i got a lot out of it and i am sure others will to.

do you have a corner store nearby, maybe you could take baby for a walk to the store and by yourself a juice or something, try walking for a few days in a row, and then drive to the corner store and back (only the corner store) keep doing this everyday until you build a little more confidence, remember small steps are still steps forward

your frined Debi

PS dont ever be embarressed as you are amoung friends who understand xx

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Ah but you tried. Remember it is not about the car or the store or the great freeking out doors, it is about control and you started out with control and lost it. Still pretty good for a first try.

Lets break it down. Control. It was your decision to do this and up till the point where you couldn't do it you were in control. And you believed you could do it. So what happened? Once you start that car and move it you no longer have total control of the situation. You let your core belief tell you that you could not do it based on previous tries. And you believed it based on this.

How to get control back. Simple. Sit in the car, with out the baby or any goal because this is just an exercise. Say to yourself, (aloud if you want to) "this is my decision to start the car" Continue, "this is my decision to do this and I want to and I believe I can do it. Start the car. There you did it, No one or thing has control of the situation, it is your decision right. You believe that right. So now you know that as soon as you move the car you are going to lose control, traffic and lights and other things are going to influence you. In other words you have lost control of the situation. But you have one thing to over ride all of that. It is still your decision to do this. "it is my decision to drive this car in these conditions." Mine, "I am the one in control because it is my decision." All these other things are just part of what I have to do because It is "my" decision. This works, presuming you have coping skills in place. So that if you have to sit at a light you will have something to distract you from letting the negative core belief come to the surface. Remember you are sitting at that light because it was your decision to drive. Your decision, you have control of the situation even if you think not. Same with the store. Every thing that makes you panic is secondary because it is your decision to do this. So a little bit at a time as long as you can accept that it is your decision, you are in control and really do believe it. Once you get through one panicky situation with this as a positive core belief now all the rest will be easier. and the more you do it, even little things the more positive core beliefs you will build to bury the negative one that made you fail at the ignition. Believe me you will in a short time wonder why you ever could not. Don't forget to shout I won after every success, and laugh a lot. (these are reinforcement tools)

Here for you,

Davit.

Ps. I have been there, sitting in front of the store and could not get out of the car till I took back control.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi ~m,

Continue to work the program and use the strategies for challenging your negative thoughts. It is definitely not a bad idea to break things down into smaller steps if that helps. Set smaller goals that will lead to an ultimately bigger end goal. Know that we are here for you, lean on us for support and post often.

Samantha, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Hi everybody... my computer has been in for repairs so I have not been able to check in. This is such an active forum, it is going to take some time to catch up. I'll be doing quite a bit of reading! This particular thread caught my eye as I am just now starting to understand the power of "really believing it" or, more importantly... the effects of not really believing it.

The majority of my negative thoughts are fear based "I CAN'T" thoughts. For example: I can't go out of the house with my grandbaby (who I take care of during the workday). I did the 10 questions about this and realized that this statement not only isn't true, but it has been an excuse to avoid the outside world. So, then I tell myself to quit making excuses and go out because staying home all the time is not good for me or the baby. I believe this.

Ok, so today I tell myself I CAN go grocery shopping with the baby. I used to go out and about with my own children all the time when they were little (before I became agoraphobic). I get ready to go, packing up the diaper bag with all the required baby accoutrement, get the car seat properly installed, put the trash up so the dogs can't get into it, make sure I have my wallet, my list, and my keys ... but before I can put them in the ignition I am a blubbering wreck because I don't really believe I CAN do this and can't remember WHY I'm trying to do it in the first place.

In this case, I was trying to use the far past as a ... i don't know, model ... of what I am capable of doing.... proof that I did it once I can do it again. But that didn't work out so well. I guess I'm still pulling on the more recent past which indicates I can't go grocery shopping by myself without freaking out.... much less with a baby along to watch out for.

I don't know. I'm getting lost in this. I do recognize that I tried to do too much too fast. I need to break this whole thing down into smaller steps and try again. or not? I'm lost. :/ this is embarrassing.

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