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Stress Management - The Power of the Word "NO"

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Stress Management - The Power of the Word "NO"

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Thank you ~m. It is nice to have confirmation that you have seen this trend as well.

I do believe that there is a potential generational difference in how one uses and interprets the word 'no', but there is also some learned behaviours that influence how one feels about the word 'no'. Two children in the same family, brought up with the same rules, parental love and consistently demonstrated behaviors can still result in one child becoming comfortable with hearing 'no' while the other is comfortable hearing 'no'.

Like you, I have no problem hearing 'no' as I've been hearing it in every facet of my life for as long as I can remember. My sister can say 'no' without a second thought, but she has a major problem with hearing the word 'no'.

I can understand how being unable to cope with people's constant requests and demands would lead to social isolation. While you are correct in your conclusion that you were avoiding people and stimuli that would cause you considerable anxiety in saying 'no' please don't forget that you started the behaviour as a coping mechanism (if I'm not around then nobody will ask me for anything and I won't have to say 'no').

It will take work to learn how to effectively use the word 'no'. Apparently learning how to say 'no' can be accomplished. I just haven't figured that one out yet!

Eeyore

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Amazing how being able to say something as simple as "no" can change our emotions and life.

I too found not being able to say no increased my agoraphobia. It also made me angry at the world and worse at me for being weak. Some times there is justification for not sayig no but only if there is no other way.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Excellent post on this difficult topic... your description of the difference (generational?) in how we learn NO is so right on. My adult children have the greatest difficulty hearing NO and get very angry... despite my earlier post, I really do have a hard time saying NO... no problem hearing it. I think a large part of my withdrawal into full blown agoraphobia was not being able to say NO to anyone. When I avoided everyone... not even answering the phone... I was "free" from that problem. Of course, I wasn't really free.... just avoiding. So good to have your input Eeyore. Thanks for posting such thoughtful commentary.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

I've often pondered why I find it so difficult to say 'no'. As indicated this is a very simple question, but it seems to come along with emotional baggage.

If you were told 'no' often as a child your relationship with the word is far different than those that never heard 'no' as a child. The first seem to be able to handle hearing the word 'no', but are not necessarily comfortable saying 'no'. The second seem to be able to say 'no' with little effort, but are not emotionally ready to hear the word 'no' when it is something they want/need.

I even did a speech about the power of saying 'no'. The speech was portrayed different situation in which I would like to have responded to with the response of 'no'. For instance if I was asked to stay late when I already had plans and someone asked me to work overtime I would be all set to say 'no', but I would hear myself say 'okay, sure or glad to help'.

Here I am multiple years later still grappling with the need to learn how to say 'no'. I am trying to remember that you can lose yourself in a world of requests if you don't start using the word 'no'. I guess it comes down to equating your personal welfare with the power to say 'no' (that power allows you to also say 'yes' when you feel that you want to do something). I'm going to learn how to conquer my reluctance and fear of saying 'no'. I hope that everyone else who needs to learn the lesson can do the same.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi: One of the best lessons is learning how to say "no" and meaning it - that is not feeling guilty afterward and knowing you have a right to say no. I am now winding down from volunteer work which I have been doing for over 10 years. I have one cttee. left and it will be over in Dec. I can also say "no" to gf's suggestions about attending different events if I am not interested. Couldn't do that before. Being true to myself, listening to my needs and knowing that they aren't all selfish, has helped get rid of some anxiety for sure.

Sunny

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

As Sid says, saying "no" can be expressed by setting limits or "drawing the line", and like most human relation skills, with practise the skill becomes more subtle. This is part of being assertive, and seems to be wide and difficult to nail down, even though the concept is simple.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 252

Eleveno,

Yes, I do use the word No as a stress management tool...Learning to say No was a very hard thing for me learn to do..

I did get a lot of resistance from the people I was saying no to...but over time they learned to accept the boundaries I had to set with them in order to live a happy and healthy life...

I was seeing a counselor at a local church near my home and explained to her the problems I was having with saying no to people and she suggested that I read the book titled, Boundaries written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend..

Reading this book changed my life and enabled me to take control of my life..It taught me how to set boundaries in my life and I learned that it is Ok it say No...

Learning to set boundaries in my life and to say No has helped me to take control of my life which in turn has helped me a great deal when managing the stress and anxiety in my life....

Red

aka

Sid

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Allowing yourself to say "No" can be very healthy... but it is not as simple as "just say no..." Those of us with anxiety and agoraphobia are really good about saying no to any and everything because we are afraid to say yes. It makes us anxious. If we are saying NO because we are anxious... it is good to stop and question ourselves about the fear.

I feel it is wasted energy to try to educate family and/or friends about our difficulties. They don't understand what we are dealing with and even when they try... they forget our "rules" because they don't understand.... Not everyone on this forum agrees with me on this. Some do advocate education....

Rather than spend energy worrying about if ppl around me are going to be sensitive to my needs, I would rather get better at understanding my triggers and/or limitations and then challenging them. I think it is fine that you told your mother it was not convenient to get together now.... AND offered her an alternative time. ( Sometimes it helps to have a set time and place that becomes routine for both of you to visit.) It is not fine that you ended up feeling guilty and drained by taking care of yourself.

It might be helpful for you to do a mood tracker of this incident (or the next one)... break it down... why did you get upset? What is provoking anxiety when you have to do several things at once? Did you feel like you had a choice to meet or not? Something along those lines.... so next time you can respond in a way that makes you feel strong instead of depleted.

I'm not explaining this very well... I'm not supposed to say that anymore.... but really I'm not. I hope others can point you in the right direction about saying NO. It IS a big deal for me as well.... I go through this all the time, but it has gotten better... easier to say NO when I need (or just want) to and easier to say YES went I need (or just want) to.

Keep up the good work Eleveno... you are asking good questions that make me think a little clearer about these things.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 619

Hello all. I found that stress management techniques, even if we understand them, they are difficult to incorporate in our daily lives. Yesterday I had a pleasant day with an exception. I was getting ready to go out to the beach and I didn't found my sunglasses and beach towel. Because I am very anxious I get crazy about not knowing where I put my things. I was stresses about this and my mother called me to have a coffee with her after 1 or 2 hours. I love very much my mother but this is the kind of situations that annoys me much and contributes for the increasing of anxiety. Trying do do several things at the same time. I get frustrated and overwhelmed even with small things like this. At first I got very anxious and said that could have coffee with my mother. But later I was feeling really bad and have a phone call with my mother explaining the situation, that I would like to go to the beach, and that I would like to be with her but had already other plans. I advice her, if she want to help me, to call in advance so I can arrange the necessary time to be with her.

I know it is my mother and I love her very much. But it seems I have to educate people who are important to me, about my emotions, and especially my family, so they can understand and contribute for my recovery.

Members, I would like to know if you use the word "NO" and if you find it useful as a stress management technique.

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Stress Management - The Power of the Word "NO"